I'm Not Trying To Be Mean. I'm Trying To Be Helpful.

This is all in good fun. Smile, you're on TV!

Take Kelly Clarkson, La Originelle, and run her through the vaguely-ethnic-machine, and you get Allison Iraheta.




Take Robert Downey Jr., and subtract his rakish charm, and add a lot of holier-than-thou smugness. You get Danny Gokey.




This is more of a vibrato thing... Matt Giraud resembles a goat.




Don't get me wrong. I think Megan Corkrey is pretty. But she shares Cruella's bone structure. And Hula Girl's dance moves.





Michael Sarver is a Dancing Polar Bear!

Ingredients!

Barbecue Flavored Baked Lays have:

 

Leavening.  What's being leavened?  These chips are flatter than Matzo.

Chicken Fat.  Mmmmmmmmmm.

Corn Syrup Solids.  There's something solid in corn syrup?

And Torula Yeast.  This is a by-product of paper production.

 

Awesome.

Fark You, A. Idol.

For putting the Wednesday results show on at 9pm.  Since when?  Hasn't it always been on at 8pm?  Is this an attempt to muscle Lost out of the way?  Granted, I have like 7 unwatched episodes of Lost DVRed, but I will get to them.  Despite my love-hate relationship with the show, I intend to stay faithful to J.J. et al.  (The problem is that I DVR Life on NBC, which really belongs on USA, but is nonetheless the best procedural on TV right now.)

 

And it would have worked out at 8pm.  Because ANTM is airing encores on Fridays, so I could have gotten Scrubs and you in together on Wednesdays.

 

Hmm... I don't watch enough TV, says I... sarcasmicalfully.

Everyone's DVR/TiVo Cut Out the Last Two Minutes.

Way to piss off your dwindling audience, AI.

But yeah, I'm just kick-awesome. Either that, or the producers are making it SO obvious who they want to advance, that there's no surprise.

American Idol 8: The Third 3 Finalists and WILD CARD!

Jebus, I'm good. So there's 9 of the top 12... Danny, Alexis, Michael, Kris, Adam, Allison, Jorge, Lil, and Scott. I'll do a full assessment once the complete top 12 is done... but for now, I'll look at it in terms of the wild cards.

A couple obvious notes:

• With only 3 girls so far, the girls have a better chance of snagging 2 of the 3 wild cards. The judges have stated (I can't find the link right now) that gender parity is not required, but that doesn't mean they won't give a slight nudge one way.
• Only 3 people of color. That means that Jasmine, Anoop, and Tatiana have a leg up. Yeah yeah, there's no aff-ac per se, but the producers aren't going to just let this slide.

In order, here's who I think have the best shots:

THE SURE THINGS:
Anoop. Duh. He barely missed out on a legit selection. Turns out the economy is hotter right now than Slumdog Millionaire (yeah, I went there).
Megan. The judges love her to pieces. Hula-girl brings a completely different sound with her, which is what will hurt Matt and Ricky.

A CLUB TO THE KNEE MIGHT HELP:
Jasmine. She stands to benefit the most by the double aff-ac going on. I'm a little peeved that her wild card chance didn't go to Anne Marie or Felicia, but her Disney-ready persona must be giving Simon a semi.
Matt. He's had the most favorable early round screen time... which also led to a sourpuss face when he lost to Kris. Kris's win hurts both him and Ricky because they all fit the "soulful white guy" role. If Matt can tweak it and get more piano-man-y, and less folksy, I think he has a chance. He'll need a bit of a face-plant by Jasmine to help his chances.

FOD. DER.
Ricky. Poor guy. He gets talked up by Paula. Then loses his slot to Kris. He has a name ripe for a fan base a la Soul Patrol or McPheever. Then has his website shut down by the producers. Now he has to compete against Matt, who has the blessing of the producers, in a round where the judges choose.
Von. What do the judges see in him? HE HAS NO UPPER LIP.
Tatiana. Ratings gold! I can't tell if it's symbiotic that she and the show are using each other or if she's just that stupid.
Jesse. The judges said it themselves, she was a last minute switch. Megan is prettier, jazzier, and more likeable. Thanks for playing.

The judges are going to be making insta-decisions, and I can't watch the show live, so no pre-results wrap-up here. Ah, well. I'm looking forward to the top 12 finally being done, so we can see how the show choreographers will continue to work around the fact that Scott can't see. Did you know he's blind? AI will remind you, just in case you decide to actually listen to his crappy singing.

American Idol 8: The Third 12!

Here are my pre-game predictions.

This show is almost too predictable. Pimp spot to Lil Rounds? Check. Pimp Ju'Not Joyner despite a ho-hum perf? Check. Crush Kristin MacNamara despite a great perf? Check.

I'll say this, though, I think that Lil is the only one of the evil trinity who I actually think is deserving of the attention. Taking on Mary J. Blige, and making it through is worth a clap or two. (By the way, I heart Kris Allen, but he needs to stop clapping like Paula.)

In a just world, Jorge Nunez would take the top guy spot. There's something earnest about him, and his perf was the best guy's by far. I was impressed.

The third spot is going to go to Alex Wagner Trugman, Scott McIntyre, or Felicia Barton. I think Felicia made a mistake in doing the same song that is getting all those YouTube hits. She did it better on YouTube. Scott's likeable, but I can't get past how crappy his hairdo is. And his brother on second viewing isn't hot. Alex has the dubious honor of being the VFTW pick of the week--beating out Elton Newton-Loaf. He's the anti-Jesse Langseth: insanely likeable personality, but with the same weirdly affective voice. He's got a bit of Sanjaya and JPL in him... and that's huge.

Von Smith was ok, but you can drive a Mack truck through his mouth. Arianna Afsar takes the obligatory pretty girl with a good voice crashes and burns (say hi to Anne Marie and Megan!). It's too bad because you can tell she has a good voice. Ju'Not wasn't nearly as good as the judges though, and Kristin wasn't nearly as bad (though she did sound 50 -- I'm 50 years old! I kick! And I stretch! And I kick!). Kendell Beard seemed out of breath (though I loved the Carrie Underwood in the Ever Ever After video-esque dress). The only thing good about Taylor Vaifanua was that she decided to wear rubber leggings, given that she danced like she had to pee.

Ryan's shirt was way better this week. Kara needs to STOP f***ing with the microphone (seriously, we can ALL HEAR YOU TAPPING THE DAMN DESK). Paula has seemed to finally get her meds balanced. Randy finally used a multi-syllabic word that is actually in the English language, but of course he used it ("vindicate") with the ESL speaker. And Simon needs to stop picking on Kara.

I'm going to go with Lil, Jorge, and Scott making it. I think Alex will be close, and could possibly take the 3rd spot, but I'm going to stick to my guns this time. I think Felicia blew it.

The Federal Government Ladies and Gents.

I make fun of the D.C. area for delaying or closing public school openings when there's even the threat of snow.  In general, I whole-heartedly agree with the Prez that the peeps here need to toughen up a bit.  People 'round these parts always assume that I'm somehow "used" to the cold, being from up north.  Please, no one up north likes the cold.  But what I am used to is snow, and a dusting is not snow.

 

However, today is real -- with like 5 inches on the ground in an area without the budget to deal with proper salting and plowing.  Yes, today, the worries are legit.  I mean, Alabama is getting snow.  HOWEVER, among the thousands of school and church closings running on the local news this morning (why not just say what is open?), there was a notice that the federal government is on a two hour delay:

 

Federal Government in Washington Area- Federal Agencies will operate with a 2 hour delay as well as unscheduled leave. (Monday)

 

Hey, Bam-Bam.  Follow Kris Allen's lead and look at the Man in the Mirror.