Terrible Music.

I need help. I find myself weakening to the power of the Biebs. Someone stop me before it's too late.

Look, I've never claimed to have good taste in music. I find it a source of pride that I bought Justin Timberlake's first solo album AND Nick Carter's solo album. At the same time, I know the difference between good and bad music. I just choose bad music.

But dear Lord, even I'm tested by some of the stuff out right now. Some, yeah, I can resist. Like, I don't own any Katy Perry stuff. I also don't own any Miley Cyrus twaddle (although I'm weakening to Party in the USA everyday). Yes, I own one Ke$ha song (Love Is My Drug). Shoot me.

So this mea culpa here has to do with the fact that: I don't have any Justin Bieber, but oh man, I'm ready to dl some lesbian tween diddies. Come on people! His crap is so friggin' catchy! And I might as well take advantage of his stuff before his voice changes. We all know that Hanson just isn't the same as it once was. (And I love me some Mmm Bop).

I needed to get that off my chest. But one thing you can all be safe and secure in knowing is this: Imma Be is just dung from Satan's backyard. Shame on you Black Eyed Peas. And shame on you world for supporting that song.

You Didn't Ask For It!

As you might have noticed here at 28ST, I'm a fan of Kris Allen. And NOT a fan of Twilight (sparkly vampires, puuuuuuuuuuuke). So I obviously was first in the internet line to buy Kris's debut album last Tuesday. I've now worn out the cassette tape, so I'm ready to run down the awesomeness of it all for your reading playsure. This is THE definitive unbiased review. Un. Biased.

Couple things to note: First, AI debut albums suck. They produce them in like 4 months while they tour. This isn't conducive to music that is good. Remember, Kelly's awesomeness began with her second album. So consider this context. Second, I'm not music-y enough to critique the album-iness of the album. I guess it doesn't really matter because iTunes has changed the artistic statements of albums anyway. So, like everyone else, I'm going to discuss it song-by-loverly-song:

STUFF EVEN NON-FANS WILL POOP IN THEIR PANTS FOR:

• Live Like We're Dying - There was a lot of hubbub over the fact that this first single is actually a cover of a song by the Script. First. Who? Right. So really who cares. And second, even if the Script never released it, almost every Idol has to sing something that was a reject of some other established star. Kelly sang Christina Aguilera. Adam sang Aerosmith, then Britney (and is now singing Pink). People, these contestants are being churned out like cookies. Let's give 'em a break and just enjoy the bouncy pop fun that is LLWD.
  
• The Truth - This ballad hurts. In a good way. I think it's one of the best blends of lyrics and melody on the whole album.
  
• Alright With Me - Think George Harrison's Got My Mind, and mix in one ridiculous falsetto note. You've got one of the happiest songs ever. And that's saying something, since songs are inanimate objects and can't have feelings.
  
• Red Guitar - Kris wrote this for Katy, so there's something very rough about it. It captures something pre-Idol about Kris, and you can sense it (deep, I KNOW). The only thing I don't like about it is that Kris sings it as if he has a speech impediment where he can't pronounce the letter "R" correctly. And you can't blame Arkansas for this one, K-Siz. But I still love you.
  
• I Need to Know - Kris has suggested that this is about a crisis of faith. Brother, tell me about it. I'm kinda flabbergasted that it's even on the album. It's like unpop. But really, really good.
  

STUFF ONLY FANS WILL PROLLY DROOL OVER:

• Before We Come Undone - Probably the most straightforward pop song of the whole album. And that's not a great thing. It's good though. I just find the resolution in the chorus totally unsurprising and unsatisfying. If I weren't a fan, I'd be sort of unswayed, but I am a fan. So woot!
  
• Is It Over - Bluesy-eyed soul at Kris's finest. But again, it sounds like a lot of other bluesy-stuff out there. I can see this being cool in concert, when Kris can play with meter a bit more. But as it is recorded, it's a touch too slow and too measured. Make is more playful.
  
• Bring It Back - Kris channels The Fray. I like it, but this is exactly the kind of song that makes me look forward to what Kris will do on album 2 with more time.
  
• Let It Rain - Cheesy lyrics aside, this is another cool ballad. But some peeps might not be able to get past the cheesy lyrics. Even if you put them aside. Which is weird, since if you put them aside, you should be able to get past them just fine. Huh.
  
• Send Me All Your Angels - Kris channels Daughtry. See BIB, supra.
  

FILLER:

• Can't Stay Away - Kris channels Maroon 5. See BIB and SMAYA, supra. Only less successfully so. Kris being swaggerific isn't all that convincing. I love him, but he's only 4 feet tall. Reminds me too much of all the Napoleon's out there trying to dunk a basketball.
  
• Written All Over My Face - There's something unsatisfying about the melody, the harmony, the way too heavy bass and rhythm, and the lyrics. It's not terrible, like Lifetime, infra, but it just feels all over the place. As if the center won't hold (even though it ultimately does).
  
• Heartless - Ok. I like this version (which critics have compared to Phil Collins's In the Air) much better than the studio version released a couple months ago. It's still not as good as the pure acoustic version Kris sang to get into the finale. Overall, it's just unnecessary (although I guess, if this was the compromise so that No Boundaries was bumped - then I wave the white flag). Especially when EVERYONE is buzzing over the Mat Kearney collab that didn't make the album.
  
• From the Ashes - Another one where I feel like the chorus was an opportunity lost for just the most ear wormy hook. It's nice, but I'm not going to remember it a couple years from now.
  

YUCK:

• Lifetime - Ugh. Don't bother. This is Kris channeling Danny Gokey. I know, RIGHT?
  

McMemories.

When I was 10, Mickey D's had this effin' bril marketing campaign where they shipped out vinyl LPs of the "Menu" song in the Sunday newspaper. If you got the one where the chorus manages to sing the entire song -- you won like a billion dollars or something like that. I don't think anyone ever found the winning one, but the song itself was like this uber-badge of pop culture awesomeness (think Barenekkid Ladies' One Week plus REM's End of the World times BJ's We Didn't Start the Fire) that kids on the playground would practice singing. You know, so we could be zombified into buying McDonald's.

Whatev's. When mass inculcation is this smart, I surrender.

It Just Isn't The Same Without Kevin.

Dude. AJ looks rough.



Yikes.

Maniacs.

So, a couple months ago, I blogged about the Texas State Fair selling deep-fried butter. Well, apparently it tastes good:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

We're talking, Singles Ladies good:

Kritney.

My 20 year-old self and my 30 year-old self picnicked and plotzed at the awesomeness of this.

Note To Self.

Ipods are not allowed in Maryland state courts.

Marketing 101.

I was reading an article at boston.com about hangover cures (no special reason -- seriously), and it said that menudo is a traditional remedy in Mexico. It's a soup made with tripe, which is intestinal lining of a cow.

You'd think Ricky Martin's managers would have been a bit more fastidious with the groups they throw him into.

Potpourri.

Wherein I tie up some loose ends of thoughts and observations that don't merit their own blogpost (should give you an idea of the quality of stuff up ahead):

-----

Everyone knows what "tater tots" are. (And are they ever tasty. ) But I grew up calling them "potato puffs" (western Massachusetts, boyardee!). No one I know has heard of that. But today, I actually went to Whole PaycheckFoods before noon to beat the hellish, and I really mean spawn of the devil, crowds that huddle there to shop, because heaven forefend that you buy cheese that's been aged less than 60 days. Wait... where was I going with this. Oh, right, their salad bar there had them and they called them "tater puffs." My mind was blown.

-----

The last two covers of GQ magazine have featured Robert Pattinson and Zac Efron, respectively. I think Twilight's stoopid, and I love the Efron, but since when did GQ's target audience become 12 year old girls? And if that's the case, when did 12 year old girls start being interested in nekkid Jennifer Aniston?

-----

I'm a fan of classical music. By the way, I hate that classical music radio stations play too much baroque music, and keep insisting that classical music is "relaxing." I get that classical music isn't for everyone, so if someone calls it "boring," I get that. But good classical music is anything but "relaxing." Really good classical music is totally energizing. For some reason, I've been listening to the arias from The Magic Flute recently. I'm sure you've heard at least this one before. FF to 2:43 to hear the famous section (and the totes ridonk high notes being homered ou' tha parque):


-----

Speaking of the Efron, he was at the results show from American Idol last week. EW.com sends a reporter to the taping to give the inside scoop. This week's was particularly happy because it pit the Efron against Kris Allen, aka K-Sizzle, aka you might have heard that I'm a fan, in a Battle Royale of... NICENESS. Yeah, I know. My heart skipped a beat, too. Then it skipped another when it was determined (obvs) that Kris was the nicest.

I Think Awesomely.

Entertainment Weekly has this feature called "The Bullseye" where they track the past week's pop culture randomness and rank it from awesome to not-awesome. Awesome stuff is closer to the bullseye, while not-awesome stuff can show up as far away as a different page of the magazine (very meta).

Just want to point out that in the November 28, 2008 issue, the one with Patrick Wilson and Kate Winslet making out on the cover, one of the not awesome items on The Bullseye reads:

Note to recording artists: Please stop asking us to buy the expensive deluxe versions of your year-old album.

Sound familiar? Yeah. I read too much EW.

Beyonce.

Sasha Fierce's new song is called "If I Were a Boy."

Sasha, I will call you whatever the hell you want if you continue to keep the English subjunctive mode alive.

Two Things That Bug Me.

First, there's a lyric in OneRepublic's Apologize that goes: "I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue." The song is basically a kiss-off to a lover who screwed you, and I think this lyric is supposed to be a metaphor for the cooling of the affection once felt for the lover. But, every 8th grader knows that a blue flame is hotter than a red flame.

Second, in one of the bathrooms in the building where my Bar/Bri class is, there are vertical handle bars between the urinals. I... I just don't get it.

Rip-off.

Unabashedly, I like both Rihanna's new single Take a Bow and Chris Brown's new single Forever. Now, I'm usually okay with whatever pricing structure evil music companies want to impose on consumers. I recognize the difficulties of the current distribution climate. But I still think that the structure has to be fair.

For example, I don't like buying the "single" version of a song on iTunes. I prefer to wait until the album is release as well so that the mp3 tag will be associated with the full album. Who knows? Maybe I want to buy another song from that album, and sometime down the road it is conceivable I might want to listen by album instead of by artist on my iPod. But then I found out that both Take a Bow and Forever aren't lead singles off of new albums--they are new singles included on reissues of Rihanna's and Chris Brown's most recent albums.

That's annoying to digital folk like me, but it's a f***ing rip-off for anyone who shelled out dough for the CD.

Clarinet.

I used to play clarinet. I wish I never stopped and have often thought about the best way to pick it up again. I was pretty good in my day. Anyway, I was listening to WCPE, which is one of the best classical music radio stations I've encountered, and Weber's Concerto #1 for clarinet came on. It's probably my favorite clarinet solo piece of all time. I've always thought that in one of my alternate lives (I have many) where I singularly pursued clarinet performance as a career, it would have been my signature piece.