AI9: The Top 12 Girls.

And we're BACK! It's been about a year since Krissy-poo saw the man in the mirror and Adam made googly eyes at Kris. Oh how things have changed. I mean, come on, who would have thought . . . that RANDY WOULD BE COHERENT?!?!?!?!?!?!? Unbelievable.

1. Paige Mills. She chooses to try and get handclaps going, except she forgets she's still carrying the mike. Dude. Stop. The chorus sort of sucks, but that glory note is ok. Now, the first time we see the judges -- TOO MANY JUDGES.

2. Jelly Bean Head. Singing a Leona Lewis song? Did she not know that Simon Cowell sort of discovered her? This is the first time that I notice that Randy actually says something coherent. Down is up, up is down! Oh, and Guy Smiley is terrible.

3. Janelllllllle Wheeeeeler. She wants to "light up on that stage." I bet. I don't get teh black spanx, and I don't get why a singer-songwriter would do Heart. Maybe if she Allen-ized it, but this isn't good.

4. Tilda Swinton. Is she British? I can't tell. But it's so affected. I like this neo-soul stuff, though, but I just don't know if this'll work on AI. Some people hate this stuff, and it could get tired after a while. Remember when Madonna was British? Yeah, that got annoying fast. Her parents have the same beady eyes. Wow.

5. Katelyn Epperly. I love this song, "O Darling." Her Felicity-hair is rocking, but her wax lips are ugerly. Simon calls her messy, Randy likes her tone, and Ellen says she pushed too much. They are all correct, which is weird. Notice that Kara is not included in this list. Because Kara is stupid.

6. Black Taylor Swift. I just think that if you're 11 years old, you are not allowed to say you've been dreaming of something your entire life and have that mean anything. Also, is it really a dream come true to be in the semi-finals? I think the dream should be getting to the finals. You know, the way Kris Allen did. Because he's awesome. And stop screaming: "AAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHHHHH Wanna Hold Your Hand!" I want you to fix your lisp. Also I want to know who's writing Randy's words because he just had another good piece of advice telling BTS to lower the key.

7. LACEY BROWN . . . is terrible. OMG. She's the cutest thing ever, but she's terrible. She's British, and southern, and phrases her songs like Charlie Brown's mother. Oooh. I'm not hopeful.

8. Thin Jordin Sparks. Hey. It's the semis. I don't have enough time to learn their names. Let's see, she's good, but I think she'd do better, you know, in Seasons 1-4, when you only had to sing, and you didn't have to rearrange songs. Also, she sings without dynamics, like Queen Latifah. Ooh, double-diss.

9. Didi Benami. I'd call her Crying Girl, but her name reminds me of Konami video games (up up down down left right left right B A start). Also, she's wearing a rainbow tortilla. That makes me hungry. I like this. It's a good starting point, but she def has room to grow over the season. I like the tone of her voice.

10. Siobhan. Um. I know I shouldn't make a joke about her slow talking, but she does sound like David Archuleta with one less chrome. She seems sweet though (and dumb) and sings well. She basically just needs to never talk. Sort of like Allison Iraheta. Play up the dork angle (as if she can help it) and she just might go far.

11. Bowersox. Bowersox. Nescafe? Did someone take a baking soda SOS pad to her teeth? They are still yellow, but at least they aren't the same shade of chestnuts and poop. I love that she just said that she needs a bigger paycheck. That's so refreshing. I'VE GOT CHILLS! I don't care what the judges say, I liked it. And I can tell that there's only better things to come. My hope is that her disdain for this competition doesn't come bite her in the behind.

12. Katie Stevens. Ugh, she's singing a song that's too old for her. She's not so cloying, which is good, but I don't get that she'll Jordin Sparks her way to the top. The judges like her, but I feel like they like her in a Jasmine kind of way (that girl who was "so commercial" last season, was 12 years old, and didn't make it past any round by America's vote -- the judges just couldn't let it go).

The Best: Bowersox, Didi, and Tilda Swinton (Lilly Scott).

The Worst: Jelly Bean (Ashley Rodriguez), Janelle, BTS (Hayley Vaughn), and, sadly, LACEY BROWN!

Going home: Paige and Ashley.

[Editor's note: BTW, I'm typing this while watching the Ladies' Short Program at the Olympics. Mao Asada just brung it. Kim Yu-Na just slapped her down. Dan Jansen just spoke with true grace. And Joannie Rochette just make me shed a tear. I can't wait for the Long Program.]