It's late. I'm cranky. And I just ate a gajillion dark choco m&m's. I can't be bothered with 2 hours of blather, so I'm only going to watch the perfs themselve. That means no golden pearls (is that a thing) of wisdom from Randy. Yeah, no snark from me tonight, Kara. Well, maybe some.
1. Todrick Hall. Adam 2.0? If you Google him, you'll see that he cheats little guppies out of their money. And now he's cheating our ears of one of the sweetest pop songs ever. Boo.
2. Aaron Kelly. David Archuleta 2.0? Well, he's not gasping. And he's not adorable in a way that only puppies and bows can be. Oh he's also out of tune. And his falsetto isn't. Yikes, I just want to take his spikey hair and stab him to make it stop. Is he cute enough for the tweens? GRAWD I hopes not.
3. Simpsons Character (Jermaine something or other). Seriously, his eyes are so far apart, like Homer after a bender. Is he wearing tails? His upper register is like scratches on a chalkboard. Do those even exist anymore? Everyone has white boards. Hated it.
The best part of this so far are the Kris Allen Ford commercials.
4. Tim Urban. Not the dude from the Apprentice. I really think that if he cut his hair, he'd be the best looking dude. And that can get you pretty far in a tv competition. He's effing up the falsetto parts. Why would you choose a song that you fundamentally can't sing? Also, that 80's jacket and those skinny jeans have got to go.
5. Joe Munoz. So heeeeeere's the first cannon fodder. You can't discount him for that (after all Kris was). Can you hear him? Is he singing in a microphone? Oof, he's off the key and off the beat. Can I make a latino joke about The Rhythm needing to get him? This is painful. Like, not even Menudo (that means tripe!) would take him. Well. Cannon fodder it be.
6. TYLER GRADY! Love him. He's basically Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. He doesn't have quite the same presence as Chris Daughtry or Bo Bice, but he's likable. Also, he's chosen the first interesting song.
Time check: 20 minutes!
7. LEE DEWYZE! He's my Kris 2.0. He's got a Sundance Head type voice, and the chunky cuteness of David Cook. Let's hope he's good. I'm kinda diggin this. His tone is so scratchy -- I can't tell if he's in tune or not. Hmmm... I kinda want to know what the judges will say. AND SIMON AGREEZ WITH ME. Also, he just put his guitar pick in his mouth. That's kinda adorable. Huggigigiigigigigigigigigiiigi.
8. Korean Guy (John Park). Apparently wind is always blowing on him from his left, our right. He starts out by singing something... and it sounds like it's in Korean. Sigh, not a good day for the Koreans. (Harrumph to you, short trackers.) He's doing too many runs. I think he'd do better with some power notes instead. He's like a viola -- it's a great sound, but it's hard to project and appreciate. He's got to step out.
9. Dude Who Wasn't There For His Daughter's Birth. That's really hard for me to accept. Why is the Michelin Man singing Maroon 5? And why does he pronounce "wings" as "weengz"? It's a singing comp, not a squinting comp dude. It's not bad overall though.
10. Generic White Boy (Alex Lambert). MULLET! Oh dude, that is sick. Love love love it. Seriously, Simon, if you're name isn't Kris Allen, you aren't allowed to have your shirt down that low. Oh dear. This dude is way too country bumpkin. It's like he's seeing a toaster for the first time. Wow. A toaster. That was terrible.
11. Ugly Dude (Casey James). Oh Kara. You might be an idiot, but you are objectively hot. You can do better than this dude (I'd hope). This dude is a robot - he's smiling through every lyric. Where's the emotion? Where's the heart? AARGH. I hate it when singers don't know how to emote. Also, when they can't sing vibrato. Dude, just go feather your hair and pretend you have a prayer at life.
12. And the pimp spot goes to... Andrew Garcia. QUEL SURPRISE. Not. Dude is so likable. He's like the anti-Gokey. I love this song -- yes, the emo version. And he's stripping it down. He did this before with Straight Up. So the problem is that this isn't surprising. And not as effective. It's too bad. He needs to show that he can just sing. Think when Kris sang To Make You Feel My Love. Still, this dude is clearly the frontrunner for both genders.
The Best: Andrew, Lee.
The Worst: Aaron, Jermaine, Tim, Joe, Alex. Yes. I just put FIVE people in the bottom. These dudes are just awful.
The judges totally stacked this season for the girls to win... except I think that the best guys are better than the best girls.
Going home: Tim and Joe.
Side note: Who can't wait to see Bowersox do a group number? Lulz.
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