AI9: The Top 10 Girls, or How Bowersox Is BACK!

1. Crystal Bowersox. She's first! She has a twin named "Carl" who she called a square. Yes, if your name is "Carl" you are a square. Oooh... Crystal just dissed Simon. Love it! She's sassy. Oh, she's so good. Dude. For realzies. Whatever sickness she had is like when Phoebe caught a cold and just sounded sexier. This sounds professional. This is amazing. Whoa -- the judges did a 180. I'm sorry. Just give her the crown. She's so natural and unironic.

2. Haeley Vaughn. Lispy the lisper. She's singing Miley. This actually isn't that bad. I mean, it's bad -- but not bad. It's basically like Miley -- passable, with no emotion and no connection. Wait, now she' going flat. Is she also all leg? I take it all back -- she can't sing.

3. Lacey Brown. Adorable Lacey. She's like the Snuggle Bear minus the creepy Chucky vibe. She's singing Sixpence None the Richer. And this is kinda cool. She needs to emote more, and show more range. Her shoulder pads are distracting.

4. Katie Stevens. The favorite of the producers. She has some pronounced eyebrows. What's the big deal with her? Her interview package is a little awesome. She's coming across as a sweet 17-year old. Nice. Oh, and Ryan just did a disingenuous chuckle. Side note, I miss Paula and her wacky dancing to the most undanceable songs. I have a feeling that if she were here, she'd be headbangin' to K'Steve. She's not bad, but I don't know that she excelled tonight.

5. DD Konami. Normally I'd write her off, but there's something going on with her. I like her. But I don't think it's going to be one we'll talk about tomorrow.

6. Michelle Delamar. Seriously, a poor man's Jordin.

7. Lilly Scott. Sorry Kara, this is not a "Moment." Do your homework.

8. Katelyn Epperly. Oooh good song. The Scientist. This is .... really good. WHAT IS GOING ON? THE GOILZ ARE TOTES BREAKIN' IT DOWN TONIGHT! Okay -- it's a little lounge singerish, but this is still good.

9. Paige Miles. What is Simon picking at? Dry skin on his ankle? Why would you ever sing a Kelly Clarkson song on AI? Still, Paige is working it out.

10. Boston Girl Who Talks Like She's Thinking Really Hard. Yes. Siobhan!

Best: Crystelline Bowser-sox, Siobhan, Katelyn.

Worst: Michelle, Haeley.

Going Home: Michelle, Haeley.

[EDIT: If you read my first version of this post... um... yeah. Sorry! But I hope you had fun anyhoo.]