AI9: The Top 11 Learn from Miley Cyrus. I Wish That Were Ironic.

So, yeah, this week was supposed to be Teen Idol week, but is Billboard No. 1's again. Again. Because the producers suck and can't think of anything new to do. Sigh. In that same spirit, I'm going to non-live live blog this episode.

Does anyone think that Miley sounds like a dude. Or a pompous arse. I can't wait until the Bowersox chomps her head off for being a horrible person.

1. Lee Dewyze - "The Letter." SCAT! The good kind, not the goopy kind. I remember thinking that Lee might have a problem with a voice that's not very versatile, but he's probably sung the most variety of songs. Owl City? This one? Nickelback-y stuff that every expects? It's cool, and surprising. It's actually kind of a throwback to the Kelly Clarkson / Clay Aiken days when the voice mattered more than the artist. It's refreshing.

2. Paige Miles - "Against All Odds." Ugh. It's one of those songs that AI just needs to retire. I can't believe I'm about to write this, but Miley Cyrus totally right. Paige can't sing in tune. Remember Lee's first week? Multiply that by crap taken to the dying cat power.

3. Tim Urban - "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." Miley totally wanted to hug Timmy because she's in love with hard bodies. Just google her past and current boyfriends. Anyway, Tim decides to wear Melanie Griffith's blazer from Working Girl. I think in his head he thinks he did awesome. And now Randy is going to cut him down. Randy, cut Tim's hair instead.

4. Aaron Kelly - "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing." Aaron has tonsilitis. And now Ryan thinks he's going to catch it. Because he made out with him? This is the only "mentoring" that is puppy-cute. Not creepy. Except that he's singing one of the worst songs ever. I think the starry backdrop isn't good for someone battling acne. Also, that thing where singers move their mouth away from the mike when they hit emphasized notes? He's doing it, but there's no point. This country thing is just awful. Except people are cheering for it. Ugh, am I just out of touch with this show?

5. Crystal Bowersox - "Me and Bobby McGee." One more notch. Bowser reminds me of Elise on that episode of Family Ties where she sings a folk song. Except better. That was pretty awesome. Joplin on AI? Dude. Whodathunkit. Crystal's only gimmick is a carpet -- and it's been warmed up. Wow. Totally trying to keep my mind out of the gutter. Not working.

6. Michael Lynche - "When a Man Loves a Woman." Editor's sidenote: Remember how Mariah Carey totally impressed as a mentor? I'm going to say it, Miley is kinda not terrible at this mentoring thing. She's straightforward with that deep dragalicious voice. If only she weren't the devil. So Big Mike has decided to swan dive headlong into a vat of cheese. He's just so over the top. Mike dresses as The Continental and wants to be taken seriously. Look, he has a play-zent enough voix, but it's just not very modern. It's like an early 90's End of the Road, without the heft (well, vocal heft).

7. Andrew Garcia - "I Heard It On the Grapevine." Andrew reminds me of a potato with toothpicks sticking out. I actually don't mind the tone of his voice. It's immature, but there's something promising. Like that last superfine sandpaper you use to buff things.

8. Katie Stevens - "Big Girls Don't Cry." Katie is such a soulless robot. Confession: I kinda love this song. Just not Katie's rendition. It's basically a copycat of the original, and well, Fergie is an awful singer. Mileyferatu said it right: Make it your own. Trim two eyebrows and call me in the morning Katie.

9. Casey James - "The Power of Love." "I'm a Big Fan of Your.......... Father's." SWEET. Way to drain the power of Miley Mouse. You know what's awesome? That CJ is singing a Michael J. Fox movie song, and I've already reffed Family Ties in this blog! I'm such a child of the 80's (even though I was born in '79 - Cambodia! Girl Who Spelled Freedom!).

10. Didi Benami - "You're No Good." Does anyone else really like angry Didi? She sounds waaaay bettah than Sweet Didi.

11. Siobhan Magnus - "Superstition." Look. At. Those. Jeans. THOSE FRIGGIN' AWESOME STONEWASHED JEANS!!! AND SHE JUST WHIPPED OUT THE "WICKED COOL"!!!! MASSACHUSETTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm done. What is she . . . what is going on with her ... hair. Last season was the year of Adam... this is Eve. My Grawd, she's fascinating in all her dorkitude. I'm speechless. In a good way. Totally good way. She's even standing like a dork.

No one was all that outstanding this week. Sigh, and it's starting to be the same ol' same ol'.

Decent: Crystal, Siobhan. Again.

Safe: Casey, Didi, Mike, Lee, Katie. Again.

Bottom: Tim, Paige, Aaron, Andrew. Again.

Send Paige home. She's terrible.