1. Big Mike. Do you think that Big Mike likes being called Big Mike? Does it put pressure on him to stay big? Oh BM, he's a regular old Troy circa HSM. He wants to be both a jock and a sensitive artiste. But still... he wasn't there for the birth of his first kid. Now he's singing about this being a man's world. This fits his voice pretty well, actually. I'm too tired to listen to the judges. But I will say this -- Randy's blue cardy is blending too much into the background.
2. John Park. Oh, he's singing a song by that star-whore John Mayer! This is the second ballad in a row that he's sung -- he's going for the ultimate cheese vote I guess. Why not just go full-on Unchained Melody? So the problem I have with his voice is it's like a viola. It's pretty, but indistinct. At a JP concert, he'd be putting people to sleep.
3. Casey. You know, if he cut his hair, and got in shape, and looked like Colin Farrell, he'd actually be hot. He pronounces "TV" by emphasizing the "T". That's weird. Oh crapo, he's singing a song done waaaaayyyy too many times on AI. That was a pretty endearing intro segment, though. Can he actually sing? He's sort of talk-singing. It's like what people who can't sing do when they get on Broadway. Whoa, but now he's going all Guitah Hero on us. And we melt into the amber waves of his hair.
4. Adam Lambert. I mean, Alex Lambert. HE'S NELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nell. Like, Jodie Foster Nell. Nell. He made up his own language. WOW. Andrew Garcia and Big Mike are snuggling. You know that Ryan just wants to jump into all of that. Wait. This is actually pretty good. Alex, yes Alex--not Adam--is singing a John Legend song. And it's good. There's something, dare I say it -- Paul McCartney about him? Ok, he shouldn't have did that falsetto. But this was good. You can see that he is improving. Yeah, and the judges are recognizing it. Not too shabby. Oh, and now Kara is pulling out the pity. I hate her. And now Simon just straight up told him the truth. That was good.
Side note: I heard that Alice in Wonderland is basically just an action flick.
5. Todrick Hall. There's something about his... like, are they gheri curls? I can't tell. Nutcracker! Either way. I don't like him. He just comes off as arrogant. He just said "platform." You know, this is the big difference between someone like him and someone like Alex Lambert, who really wouldn't have been found without this show. I'm sorry. I just don't like these established performers as much as those whose lives actually change. Last week, Toddy effed with Kelly, and now he's effing with Tina. This is just too R&B schmaltzy. Like, Courtyard Marriott quality. Toddy's fist pumping is out of synch! I thought he was a dancer! Lame. Hated it.
6. Simpsons Character! Jermaine Sellers or something. Seriously, look at the proportions of his face. It's weird. "It opens you up." I. Bet. HwAH? "You just have to take it . . . ." Lulzworthy. Yikes, the fauxhawk went out in 2003, dude. I get the onesie irony, but come on. You know, he reminds me of Corey Clark, the one that Paula felt up. Er, allegedly felt up. This isn't a compliment. Shot of Lee in the background looking hot and gloomy. *Swoon*. Jermaine, that wasn't bad, but I'm not going to remember that tomorrow morning.
7. Ethnic Danny Gokey! (Andrew Garcia). It's like how Allison Iraheta is an ethnic Kelly Clarkson. Dude. Andrew is a chunky guy, but he can move. Wow. I feel bad, he reminds me of Danny, so I don't like him, but he doesn't seem like Evil Gokes at all. YEEEKS. He is all over the map with the pitch. He can't find the pitch. He's flat... like, really really flat. This was not very good. And Randy totally CALLED HIM OUT ON IT. Nice. Asian Rihanna is part of Andrew's family?!?!?!? Ellen hit it on the head -- he might be sabotaged just by the fact that he was so good during Hollywood week. It's the Sundance Head problem.
8. Aaron Kelly. Aw, littl'un pronounces "pictures" as "pitchers." PUPPIEZZZZ!!!! He's singing and dancing like he's gotta pee like a vache. That's French for cow for you heathens. I think Simon just thinks Aaron is his ticket to the Disney/Nickolodeon goldmine that awful people like Demi Lovato and Miley Cyrus live in. I hate Miley Cyrus. Did Aaron just go through puberty on that last note?
9. Tim Urban, the shirtless wonder! Tim has no upper lip like Mark Lynn-Baker. Look it up.
[EDIT: I was looking up some old posts to see my first impressions of some of these guys. Apparently I assumed/guessed that Tim was like Zac Efron but without the body. Boy how wrong I was.]
10. ***Lee***. Oh, my Lee Dewyze. He's my pseudo-Kris Allen during this horrible, horrible season. He's like a huggable penguin (yes, one might even compare him to Hugsy, Joey's bedtime penguin pal). He's got the pimp spot. Doesn't he seem like the most earnest guy ever? Is that what I like about him? Hmm... also, he looks like Kris. So there's that. WOW. Back lighting much? This sounds totally current. This is good. Like, really good. Judges are glowing. "You may be the one to beat" - Simon. "But we like you" - Kara. Oh, Kara, you are so very stupid.
Side note: KRIS ALLEN COMMERCIAL!!!!! Love it.
10. ***Lee***. Oh, my Lee Dewyze. He's my pseudo-Kris Allen during this horrible, horrible season. He's like a huggable penguin (yes, one might even compare him to Hugsy, Joey's bedtime penguin pal). He's got the pimp spot. Doesn't he seem like the most earnest guy ever? Is that what I like about him? Hmm... also, he looks like Kris. So there's that. WOW. Back lighting much? This sounds totally current. This is good. Like, really good. Judges are glowing. "You may be the one to beat" - Simon. "But we like you" - Kara. Oh, Kara, you are so very stupid.
Best: Lee, easily. (Leesily?) Big Mike and Adam/Alex Lambert are very close behind.
Worst: Todrick, Andrew, and Aaron.
Going home: Jermaine and John. Sometimes being forgettable is worse than being bad.
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