AI9: The Top 12 Guys.

It's late. I'm cranky. And I just ate a gajillion dark choco m&m's. I can't be bothered with 2 hours of blather, so I'm only going to watch the perfs themselve. That means no golden pearls (is that a thing) of wisdom from Randy. Yeah, no snark from me tonight, Kara. Well, maybe some.

1. Todrick Hall. Adam 2.0? If you Google him, you'll see that he cheats little guppies out of their money. And now he's cheating our ears of one of the sweetest pop songs ever. Boo.

2. Aaron Kelly. David Archuleta 2.0? Well, he's not gasping. And he's not adorable in a way that only puppies and bows can be. Oh he's also out of tune. And his falsetto isn't. Yikes, I just want to take his spikey hair and stab him to make it stop. Is he cute enough for the tweens? GRAWD I hopes not.

3. Simpsons Character (Jermaine something or other). Seriously, his eyes are so far apart, like Homer after a bender. Is he wearing tails? His upper register is like scratches on a chalkboard. Do those even exist anymore? Everyone has white boards. Hated it.

The best part of this so far are the Kris Allen Ford commercials.

4. Tim Urban. Not the dude from the Apprentice. I really think that if he cut his hair, he'd be the best looking dude. And that can get you pretty far in a tv competition. He's effing up the falsetto parts. Why would you choose a song that you fundamentally can't sing? Also, that 80's jacket and those skinny jeans have got to go.

5. Joe Munoz. So heeeeeere's the first cannon fodder. You can't discount him for that (after all Kris was). Can you hear him? Is he singing in a microphone? Oof, he's off the key and off the beat. Can I make a latino joke about The Rhythm needing to get him? This is painful. Like, not even Menudo (that means tripe!) would take him. Well. Cannon fodder it be.

6. TYLER GRADY! Love him. He's basically Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. He doesn't have quite the same presence as Chris Daughtry or Bo Bice, but he's likable. Also, he's chosen the first interesting song.

Time check: 20 minutes!

7. LEE DEWYZE! He's my Kris 2.0. He's got a Sundance Head type voice, and the chunky cuteness of David Cook. Let's hope he's good. I'm kinda diggin this. His tone is so scratchy -- I can't tell if he's in tune or not. Hmmm... I kinda want to know what the judges will say. AND SIMON AGREEZ WITH ME. Also, he just put his guitar pick in his mouth. That's kinda adorable. Huggigigiigigigigigigigigiiigi.

8. Korean Guy (John Park). Apparently wind is always blowing on him from his left, our right. He starts out by singing something... and it sounds like it's in Korean. Sigh, not a good day for the Koreans. (Harrumph to you, short trackers.) He's doing too many runs. I think he'd do better with some power notes instead. He's like a viola -- it's a great sound, but it's hard to project and appreciate. He's got to step out.

9. Dude Who Wasn't There For His Daughter's Birth. That's really hard for me to accept. Why is the Michelin Man singing Maroon 5? And why does he pronounce "wings" as "weengz"? It's a singing comp, not a squinting comp dude. It's not bad overall though.

10. Generic White Boy (Alex Lambert). MULLET! Oh dude, that is sick. Love love love it. Seriously, Simon, if you're name isn't Kris Allen, you aren't allowed to have your shirt down that low. Oh dear. This dude is way too country bumpkin. It's like he's seeing a toaster for the first time. Wow. A toaster. That was terrible.

11. Ugly Dude (Casey James). Oh Kara. You might be an idiot, but you are objectively hot. You can do better than this dude (I'd hope). This dude is a robot - he's smiling through every lyric. Where's the emotion? Where's the heart? AARGH. I hate it when singers don't know how to emote. Also, when they can't sing vibrato. Dude, just go feather your hair and pretend you have a prayer at life.

12. And the pimp spot goes to... Andrew Garcia. QUEL SURPRISE. Not. Dude is so likable. He's like the anti-Gokey. I love this song -- yes, the emo version. And he's stripping it down. He did this before with Straight Up. So the problem is that this isn't surprising. And not as effective. It's too bad. He needs to show that he can just sing. Think when Kris sang To Make You Feel My Love. Still, this dude is clearly the frontrunner for both genders.

The Best: Andrew, Lee.
The Worst: Aaron, Jermaine, Tim, Joe, Alex. Yes. I just put FIVE people in the bottom. These dudes are just awful.

The judges totally stacked this season for the girls to win... except I think that the best guys are better than the best girls.

Going home: Tim and Joe.

Side note: Who can't wait to see Bowersox do a group number? Lulz.

Yeah, Yeah, I'll Blog About AI9 In A Second.

I can't believe that the Korean Women got DQ'd in the 3000m relay.  I've seen a lot of bumps, and this one was NOT impeding.  The Korean had the inside track, and the Chinese skated into her outstretched right arm.  Not cool, Mr. Referee.

 

First the men fumbled a potential sweep (allowing Ohno to medal no less), and now this?  CLEAN UP THE SLOPPINESS, KOREA.

AI9: The Top 12 Girls.

And we're BACK! It's been about a year since Krissy-poo saw the man in the mirror and Adam made googly eyes at Kris. Oh how things have changed. I mean, come on, who would have thought . . . that RANDY WOULD BE COHERENT?!?!?!?!?!?!? Unbelievable.

1. Paige Mills. She chooses to try and get handclaps going, except she forgets she's still carrying the mike. Dude. Stop. The chorus sort of sucks, but that glory note is ok. Now, the first time we see the judges -- TOO MANY JUDGES.

2. Jelly Bean Head. Singing a Leona Lewis song? Did she not know that Simon Cowell sort of discovered her? This is the first time that I notice that Randy actually says something coherent. Down is up, up is down! Oh, and Guy Smiley is terrible.

3. Janelllllllle Wheeeeeler. She wants to "light up on that stage." I bet. I don't get teh black spanx, and I don't get why a singer-songwriter would do Heart. Maybe if she Allen-ized it, but this isn't good.

4. Tilda Swinton. Is she British? I can't tell. But it's so affected. I like this neo-soul stuff, though, but I just don't know if this'll work on AI. Some people hate this stuff, and it could get tired after a while. Remember when Madonna was British? Yeah, that got annoying fast. Her parents have the same beady eyes. Wow.

5. Katelyn Epperly. I love this song, "O Darling." Her Felicity-hair is rocking, but her wax lips are ugerly. Simon calls her messy, Randy likes her tone, and Ellen says she pushed too much. They are all correct, which is weird. Notice that Kara is not included in this list. Because Kara is stupid.

6. Black Taylor Swift. I just think that if you're 11 years old, you are not allowed to say you've been dreaming of something your entire life and have that mean anything. Also, is it really a dream come true to be in the semi-finals? I think the dream should be getting to the finals. You know, the way Kris Allen did. Because he's awesome. And stop screaming: "AAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHHHHH Wanna Hold Your Hand!" I want you to fix your lisp. Also I want to know who's writing Randy's words because he just had another good piece of advice telling BTS to lower the key.

7. LACEY BROWN . . . is terrible. OMG. She's the cutest thing ever, but she's terrible. She's British, and southern, and phrases her songs like Charlie Brown's mother. Oooh. I'm not hopeful.

8. Thin Jordin Sparks. Hey. It's the semis. I don't have enough time to learn their names. Let's see, she's good, but I think she'd do better, you know, in Seasons 1-4, when you only had to sing, and you didn't have to rearrange songs. Also, she sings without dynamics, like Queen Latifah. Ooh, double-diss.

9. Didi Benami. I'd call her Crying Girl, but her name reminds me of Konami video games (up up down down left right left right B A start). Also, she's wearing a rainbow tortilla. That makes me hungry. I like this. It's a good starting point, but she def has room to grow over the season. I like the tone of her voice.

10. Siobhan. Um. I know I shouldn't make a joke about her slow talking, but she does sound like David Archuleta with one less chrome. She seems sweet though (and dumb) and sings well. She basically just needs to never talk. Sort of like Allison Iraheta. Play up the dork angle (as if she can help it) and she just might go far.

11. Bowersox. Bowersox. Nescafe? Did someone take a baking soda SOS pad to her teeth? They are still yellow, but at least they aren't the same shade of chestnuts and poop. I love that she just said that she needs a bigger paycheck. That's so refreshing. I'VE GOT CHILLS! I don't care what the judges say, I liked it. And I can tell that there's only better things to come. My hope is that her disdain for this competition doesn't come bite her in the behind.

12. Katie Stevens. Ugh, she's singing a song that's too old for her. She's not so cloying, which is good, but I don't get that she'll Jordin Sparks her way to the top. The judges like her, but I feel like they like her in a Jasmine kind of way (that girl who was "so commercial" last season, was 12 years old, and didn't make it past any round by America's vote -- the judges just couldn't let it go).

The Best: Bowersox, Didi, and Tilda Swinton (Lilly Scott).

The Worst: Jelly Bean (Ashley Rodriguez), Janelle, BTS (Hayley Vaughn), and, sadly, LACEY BROWN!

Going home: Paige and Ashley.

[Editor's note: BTW, I'm typing this while watching the Ladies' Short Program at the Olympics. Mao Asada just brung it. Kim Yu-Na just slapped her down. Dan Jansen just spoke with true grace. And Joannie Rochette just make me shed a tear. I can't wait for the Long Program.]

A Really Good Speech.

Every so often, I come across a speech that really, really moves me.  There was Conan's Harvard Class Day speech.  There was David Foster Wallace's Kenyon College speech.  And now, I've found Robert Krulwich's CalTech speech.

 

In a nutshell, it focuses on the communication of scientific ideas to laypersons, and the non-trivial importance of that act.  On its face, it seems like Krulwich is asking us to yet again dumb down science, which is apropos in this age of soundbites and in-your-face marketing, but he's not.  It's about staying connected.  So many elitists are ready to leave behind the chaff if they aren't willing to follow, or at least make an effort.  But those who start responses with "Alls I know is..." aren't the enemies.  And I think that's reallyt the heart of this speech.

 

I kind of like that.

 

I wish that I could find a transcript so that you could read it, but it's not too long and worth listening to.

AI9: The Top 24 -- Boys Edition.

Yesterday, I ran down the girls... with my car. Try the veal! I'm here all night. Now it's the boys -- and my incredibly scientific take on who's in it and who's out it.

Aaron Kelly

Ugh. Everyone is saying he's like a mashup of Kevin Covais and David Archuleta. First, I hate mashups (yes, even the ones that K-Sizzle does don't sit well with me). Second, Aaron Kelly is no David Archuleta. Maybe if you blended up some puppies and oreos for him to drink, or if you, you know, taught him how to sing without sounding like a bleating (or bleeding) lamb, the comparison would be apt. It's not. My only consolation is that this time, the producers stacked the boys with other non-threatening Zac Efron-esque white boys to split the vote. The key, then is to see which of the three will make it through and collect the remains of their fallen tween heartthrobs (squeeeeee!).

Alex Lambert

Here's heartthrob #2. His name is too much like Adam Lambert's for me to give him any unbiased assessment. He must go so that my tiny brain won't hurt.

Andrew Garcia

Ah, THE frontrunner. He's like Danny Gokey, but without all that smug unlikability and cloying douchiness. I pointed him out early on, but then again I think the entire interwebs did too.

Casey James

I don't get it. He's not hot. It's like Ace Young, Chris Richardson, and Michael Johns all over again. They aren't hot, and they can't sing.

Jermaine Sellers

He looks like a Simpsons character.

Joe Munoz

Who? Did Jorge Nunez make the Earth spin the other direction so that he can replay his very brief time on AI?

John Park

If I had a dime for every John Park that I've met in my life, I'd be a rich man. It's like naming your kid Muhammed Wang.

Lee Dewyze

I pointed Lee out, too. Mostly because I think he's cute, but I think that his voice is going to be a limitation in this type of competition. Think what's her name with the white streak down the middle of her skunk hair. He fits a type, but you need to be versatile to pull off an AI win.

Michael Lynche

I'm sorry, I don't think that American Idol is worth not being there for the birth of your first child. I know I shouldn't judge, but then again, you're going on a reality TV show so that we, the voting public can judge you. If there was ever a time where I can cast stones, it's now.

Tim Urban

The last minute replacement! And the third of the 3 Zac Efrons. Except how much do you want to bet that he doesn't have Zac's body? Also, I wonder if he has That 70's Show hair to cover a baldspot. I'm not digging T.Urb, can you tell?

Todrick Hall

And I'm definitely not digging Todrick Hall. He's already an established performer in the vein of Adam Lambert. No disrespect (because I've come to appreciate Glammykins -- mostly because Kris tells me to like him), but this is exactly the type of professional performer who shouldn't be on AI. My favorite AI seasons and contestants are those where earnest regular folk are given a break. Yes, I think that Adam Lambert -- and Todrick Hall -- are ridiculously talented, and probably the most talented singers in their seasons. But I think it completely takes away from the awesomeness of a show like AI, where you get Kelly, Ruben, Fantasia, Carrie, Taylor, Jordin, David, and Kris winning. These are people who didn't use AI as a "platform" but rather used it as a lottery ticket. And that's so much awesomer than anything the producers can concoct for us to swallow blind.

Tyler Grady

I also pointed him out early on, too, although I didn't remember his name. Go, Tyler, go, go, go Tyler....

And that's that. Tomorrow, we finally get to see what these peeps are truly made off. I'm such a dork, but I can't wait.

AI9: The Top 24 -- Girls Edition.

This is it, ladies and germs, the semi-finals of AI. This is the round that gave us Kradison, and where it first became clear last season that the producers no longer are even trying to hide the fact that they want us to vote a very specific way.

So we're back to the top 24 thing where they shave people off two by two. I don't know that I like this better than the top 30 or top 36 format. There's something way more dramatic of having to really be the best to get into the finals. Doing the semis in the same style takes away from the Survivor-ness that is so cool about the finals. Others will disagree -- the main argument is that this allows the audience to get to know all the contestants better. But I contend that after seasons 1, 2, 3, and 8, the top 30/36 format is superior.

Anyway, here's the womyns for this week, with my thoughts. And remember, I picked Kelly and Kris before they were famous, so I'm smrt.

Ashley Rodriguez

She reminds me of Guy Smiley from Sesame Street. I'll wait while you Google. It's the ginormous fivehead. Am I right? Yeah.

Crystal Bowersox

My hope is that just as they turned Clay Aiken into a halfway presentable foetus, they can pin C.B. down with some Crest Whitestrips and spit-shine this piece of silver. This one is one to watch out for. Buzz is huge.

Didi Benami

The One Who Cried. And the one who sang a Kara song. NoBo aside, Kara isn't a bad songwriter, so it's not terrible that she chose this route. But the last time I got my hopes up over a sweet singer like this, it turned out she sucked (Hi Anne Marie Boskovich!), and before that, it turned out she had an attitude (Hi Brooke White!). I like her, but I'm not holding my breath.

Haeley Vaughn

I.e., the black Taylor Swift. That's not a good thing.

Janell Wheeler

Now this one is the spitting image of Amber Heard, who's a natural actress, but completely devoid of charisma. We're talking, like, hole-in-the-ozone layer dull. Like, Bill Pullman dull.

Katelyn Epperly

Here's something interesting. I pointed out Katelyn as one of my favorites from the audition episodes. And then a week later, I gave her props again -- thinking that I didn't remember her. This basically is proof that she's forgettable. Or does it prove that I like her so much that I want to vote twice for her, Kris Allen style? I get the sense that she's the pretty girl that you hate because she's actually nice, and you want to stab her for being on the receiving end of Gifts from Both Hands.

Katie Stevens

One of the producers unholy chosen ones. As a result, I immediately don't like her. Will she turn out to be a Gokey douche? Or a Lil gonna-cut-a-hoe? Or an Adam okay-I begrudgingly-like-you? We'll see. But I don't have high hopes based on what I've seen.

Lacey Brown

FOR THE WIN. There is something about this girl. I've said it before -- there is something special here.

Lilly Scott

Who?

Michelle Delamour

Who?

Paige Miles

Who? Actually, in this case, I do want to know. Simon off the cuff said that she's good. Now, we've heard that before. Simon is the one who cho-o-o-o-o-ose Carmen Rasmussen. He tends to like gimmicky acts or uber-commercial ones more than straightforward solid performers. No disrespect to Paige, who is very attractive, she's no female Pocket Idol. So what is Simon hiding? This might be a situation where the top 24 format is superior -- the last time we had something like this was in Season 3 when Latoya London came out of nowhere to get into the finals. But her lack of an early push crushed her chances. I'm hoping Paige is similarly worthy.

Siobhan Magnus

Who?

So that's the round-up. I'll write one up for the boys, too, and then a wrap-up after each perf with predicks!!!!! So excited! This is where it gets good, and you just keep cutting yourself over and over saying that you'll never watch this trash again and that you are disappointed by American and that the producers stink and that this is the end of TV as we not and yadda yadda.

Out of Nowhere.

I think I like Aladdin better than Beauty and the Beast.

Winter Olympics: The Men Skate. And I Live Blog.

I'm not going to waste my AWESOME blog on the chaff, so I'm only going to talk about the top 6:

1. Evan Lysacek. This morning I learned that Vera Wang does his outfit. Pfft. I still like the Norwegian Curlers' outfit better. Plus, what's with the shellacked hair? The Ken Doll Meets Alfalfa look is so dumb. But he skates well, with only a little trip on a triple. Ah, okay, I guess the silver snakes crawling all over him is okay then. Not.

SN: Is anyone else uncomfortable when Scott grunts to express when skaters barely pull off a jump?

2. Nobunari Oda. PUPPIES!!!!!!! Is anyone else just flailing at how adorable he is? OH NO! He pulled a Tonya Harding! The good kind of a Tonya (funny misery), not the bad kind (whack whack). Pretty cool, dude, I gotta say. That's a classy way to handle yourself, but you know, it's true, in any other sport, if your equipment breaks, you're SOL.

3. Stephane Lambiel. Okay, I'm a nerd -- I follow figure skating. So I know that this dude (as all Swiss) spins like a a motha. Hey, that first spin combo wasn't great. What's with you Steph? And that second one wasn't that great either. Come on, dude! Okay, that last spin finishing with the headless scratch was more like it. But Scoandra Bezilton thinks its flat. And I agree. He's better than this.

SN: French has to be one of the best spoken languages ever.

4. Daisuke Takahashi. If you haven't landed a quad all season, doesn't that mean you can't do it? Does anyone else think it's weird that although Japan has become one of the dominant countries in figure skating (both mens and womens), the programs are very Amer-European in theme? I mean, I know that classical music tends to be the pool from which skaters choose, and that tends to be Western, but... I don't know. Somehow I wish it could be more forgiving. Also, dude, you are cheering after that? You fell. Even if you get a big score, that's weird.

5. Johnny Weir. Disappointing costume. No swan's beak? No tassel? Ooh... Sandra just dissed Scott, and Scott snapped back. I think that Evan Lysacek is a suntan vampire, and he feeds on Johnny. Because this dude is paiyle. Will someone say that he has soft knees? I hope so. I think that's such a nice phrase. Johnny just did one of my favorite moves! A jump with a hand above his head! Good for him. Seriously. And that's hair.

6. Evgeny Plushenko. Can we talk about his hair for a second? That's enough. Seriously. What is WITH this skater-mullet that he insists on? I think he wins for best outfit, though. That's ferocious dude. Except it doesn't go with the muzak at all. Or with that hair. You know what would? A Canadian Tuxedo. Zingcouver! "This guy's a cat!" With bad hair. No, I'm not going to let it go. Mole. I mean, hair. STOP WITH THE KISS BLOWING.

Has anyone noticed that there haven't been any commercials for like the past three hours? How is NBC making any money?

Does Lori Nichol not choreograph for anyone? Can you name another figure skating choreography?

"Frank Carroll finally has his Olympic champion." SCREW YOU commentators. Michelle Kwan is kick awesome.

Final thought -- skating a clean program -- actually TWO clean progs is for the fans. I get that you can win even if you fall *cough*kristiyamaguchi*cough* but there's something so unsatisfying about that. So good on sunburnt Ken-acek for winning in the best way possible.

I'm pretty pleased, I gotta say. Only way to make this even better? If Yuna Kim wins the ladies competition. (Okay, I lied, two ways to make this even better? If someone holds Evgeny CheeseG.O.E.ko down and shaves his head. What is he hiding under that Hamill mop?) Peace.

AI9: Insta-Reacton Before I Write a Proper Run-Down of the Top 24.

Lacey Brown FOR THE WIN.  There's something about her.  Loving it.

 

Also, snowboard cross might be my new favorite Winter Olympics sport, but shorttrack speedskating relays is simply a redoubtable classic.

AI9: Maybe They Are Lawyers?

Last night we learned that the American Idol producers are either investment bankers from the early- to mid-2000's or accountants from the late-90's/early-2000's because they can literally create something out of nothing that looks pretty, but is actually pure crap.

 

Zing!  Topical humor!

 

I'll write more about how this year's Top 24 will never be as good as Kris Allen once they are completely revealed.

Oooooooooo-Lympics.

So far...

 

-Wayne looked pissed.

 

-I literally screamed out loud in agony in a bar when South Korea ruined a chance to sweep the mens 1500m short-track speedskating, and instead allowed Apolo Anton Ohno to get a medal he so didn't deserve.  People in the bar looked at me, and I was like -- look at me, I'm Korean, not a surprise, move on people.  The only reason why I support Ohno is that because of his celebrity in the U.S., NBC will actually broadcast the event so I can watch the Koreans dominate (or screw up royally).

 

-Snowboard cross has to be the coolest sport ever.  EVER.

 

-Apparently skeleton is safer than luge, despite the fact that they go head first and despite the fact that they will NOT be using the shortened course at Vancouver (apres the luge tragedy last week).  Somehow, I'm not comforted.

 

-It's weird to hope that Yuna Kim does NOT follow in Michelle Kwan's footsteps.  But here's hoping.

 

-In perhaps the weirdest bit of news, while watching that Canadian dude who finally won a gold on home soil receive his gold medal, I noticed that an Australian (Dale something or other) got silver.  That's always fun, to see a flat, southern hemi country do well.  Plus he was hot.  But when I looked him up on the interwebs, it turns out he's been accused of spamming.  Yes, computer spamming.  I've never actually seen a face associated with that.  If there's anything lower on the totem pole than telemarketers and credit collectors, it's that.

Food For Thought.

Isn't it interesting that Mr. Belding was named the way he was on Saved By the Bell?  Get it?  Mr. "Bell-Ding."  So, like, the kids were all "saved by the bell" in more than one way.

 

Hey, my mind was blown.

 

And this was courtesy of my little brother, who previous asked me whether rich people are better people because Santa Claus gives them more presents.

American Idol 9: Don't Talk To Me Right Now.

We learned nothing from tonight's episode of Hollywood week, except that the producers have their favorites and don't seem interested at all to introduce anyone new. This was a waste of an episode.

And my ESPN isn't working. You know what that means? I can't watch the Duke-UNC game.

By the Rule of 3, there's probably a ship full of puppies and kittens that's capsizing off the coast of Nova Scotia right about now. Count it.

AI9: Seriously, What the Hell Is Wrong With Kara?

Give me a moment.

. . .

I . . . I am . . . so . . . ughhhhhh.

I don't ask for much from American Idol. Lord knows, they do their very best to manipulate and sandbag the show so that us viewers will lamb along and go with the flow (how'd that work for you, Evil Gokey?). But this, I just cannot abide.

To Kara: You. Effing. Moron. It was KRIS ALLEN who flipped songs and rearranged them last season -- NOT Adam. Look, I've never, never claimed that Kris is a better singer than Adam, or that Adam isn't a huge ass star -- brighter than Kris, even. But give Kris the effin' due that he deserves. And you, Ms. Songwriter/Failed Recording Artist, of all people should know the difference. My GRAWD. Tonight, when Andrew "My Parents Were in a Gang But Still Managed To Teach Me How To Wear Hipster Glasses" Garcia redid Paula Abdul's "Straight Up," I -- and every single other devotee with a semblance of a memory -- thought, okay, wannabe Kris Allen, you're not bad. But Kara *spit* complimented him and said it was "genius" how he flipped the song like Adam did last season. Adam. Honey, Adam is a lot of things (e.g., more famous than you'll ever be), but he is no song re-arranger. (And to any naysayers -- people, Adam clearly said on camera that he found the Ring of Fire arrangement that he sang for Grand Ole Opry night.)

Okay. I needed to get that off my chest. Kara, don't mess with Kris.

Let's see, what else happened tonight...

Soon-to-be-dad kept pronouncing "waiting" in "waiting for the world to change" in a really annoying way. Ick.

Tim Urban needs a haircut . . . and better vibrato.

They cut Cancer Boy! Hey, if he wasn't good enough to last year when he was in White Chocolate with Matt and Kris -- even though he's so "memorable" -- he's not good enough now.

And last but not least: I like Ellen. She's approaching this judging thing from the perspective of a performer -- not a singer -- but a performer, and that's actually turning out to be pretty cool. You are forgiven for the SYTYCD debacle last year.

Til tomorrs, kids, when GROUPS happen. Oh yeah. I heart Hollywood Week.

UPDATE: Apparently Kara's comment has renewed the Kris v. Adam rivalry. I'm not buying it, Adam-fans, Adam might have used alternative arrangements but he did not rearrange them himself. Plus, Kara even tried to coin the term "to Allen-ize" a song last year. I'm less upset over Adam yet again getting a namedrop than am that Kara is just a complete waste of judging space.

I Hate You Even More, Mr. Comcast.

My DVR didn't record the new How I Met Your Mother last night. I hate you, Mr. Comcast. The last time I blogged about hating you, you left a comment saying sorry. Do it again. And then cut 30% off my cable bill. And give me free HBO. I hate not knowing what's cool in the world of TV.

In Case You Were Wondering.

The Colts are this year's Super Bowl champions . . . in Haiti. (And yes, somewhere in Nicaragua, the Patriots were 19-0 in 2008.)

Also, I was channel surfing and caught some of Ice Age. Why is it that animals of different species can communicate with each other, but humans can't? If we're so superior, I feel like we should be able to speak sloth and dodo, too.

My friend Sara pointed out the weird coincidence that Ryan Bingham is both the name of the songwriter of "The Weary Kind" from Crazy Heart (which is an amazing song, btws, as are the songs that Colin sings, but I digress -- no seriously, Irish can sang) AND the name of George Clooney's character in Up in the Air, which in my opinion is the best movie of 2009.

Last but definitely not least. In honor of the Winter Games starting up this week (go Yuna!),the best Olympics ever:

@ Yahoo! Video

So Much For That.

The Politician is back for sale at Amazon, which I assume means that all MacMillan books are back up for sale there too. But, although the Kindle edition is still under $10, as widely reported, Amazon capitulated. And now, as feared, I can't buy the e-version until April.

Snoooooow. And No Manners.

Hello from under twelve feet of snow. So you might have heard. Being from Boston, it's usually not a big deal. But this is DC. And they don't know how to deal with snow. To wit:



Yes. That's a line to get in to the Whole Foods in my neighborhood. And that was on Thursday night.

On Friday, I stopped by to pick up a few things. Thankfully I didn't have to wait to get in, but once inside, it was like some Soviet thingamajig, only more hipster-y. You couldn't find any fresh arugala or Swiss chard to save your life. Sadly, I'm not even being ironic.

So, I got in line, which extended to the back of the store, and hunkered down for the good half hour it was going to take to get through the express line. Here's what happened next: The dude in front of me, who had a cart of groceries, kept leaving the line to continue shopping. He did this at least three or four times, and would be gone for DAYS at a time. Being a decent human being, I kept his place in line for him, because at the time, I thought he was only going to do this once. And who hasn't had that last minute item they forgot to get? But finally, I had enough, and proceeded to chew him out over his dbagginess and the fact that he didn't even ask me to save his spot. He tried to defend himself by saying that he only came back with one bag of sugar. THAT'S NOT THE POINT. Urgh. That's when I knew he just didn't get it.

But it was very satisfying. Dumbass people forget common decency all the time. It's good to call them out on it every once in a while.

Huzzah! The Auditions Are Over.

Lee DeWyze is a poor man's Kris Allen.  (Illinois instead of Arkansas?  Puh-leeze.  Your accent is bound to fail, benches.)  And yet, I'd still take an ersatz Kris over most of the other dreck they let through to Hollywood.  I.e., I liked Lee.

 

To Hollywood!!!  There are my absolutely favorite episodes of every season!  Finally!

Oh, And Just One More Thing.

There has been a lot of prognostication over how Scott Brown won in Massachusetts (a Republican in Massachusetts?!?  that's like a tree growing in Brooklyn!).  Was it Obama?  Was it Coakley?  Was it national health case?  Was it that Massachusetts already has health care?  Was it the magical unicorn that blocked everyone in Massachusetts from voting except for Scott Brown's family (available daughters and all!)?  Well, this is now being followed up with whether this victory can be replicated in another blue(ish) state: Illinois.

 

People.  You're missing the most obvious reason for the victory: It's not that big of a surprise that a male candidate with a history of beefcake modeling would, you know, win in the gayest state in the country.

Napster Redux.

I can't even begin to pretend to know the first thing about price points in the publishing industry.  But to the casual observer, like myself, who is, admittedly, biased in favor of the Kindle and in favor of lower prices, the smackdown between Amazon and publishing companies like ol' Mr. Burns, I mean, Rupert Murdoch over the selling price of e-books just reeks -- REEKS -- of the music industry resisting the inevitable switch to digital media -- and we all know how that turned out.  Napster doesn't have the notoriety it once did, but iTunes would not exist today without it.  I pray we can avoid a similar brouhaha with books.  Because books are awesome and make I look smrt.

His Name Is Oscar.

Oscar noms are out y'all!  While everyone is going to be talking about the "surprises" (is there a surprise anymore in this world of too-many pre-cursor award shows and totally-obvious marketing campaigns?), like The Blind Side for Best Pic and Mags for Supporting Actress, I'm going to try and come at this from my own, completely abnormal point of view.

• Up in the Air was NOT nominated for Best Editing.  Ruh-roh.  I'm Scoobying on this because it was my favorite film of last year.  My fear is that with waning support, UITA's most likely win -- for adapted screenplay -- could be losing support.  The last time I loved a screenplay this much -- for You Can Count On Me -- it ended up losing (to Almost Famous).
• The only thing I know about In the Loop is that it was supposed to be the big comeback of the girl from My Girl.  If out-of-left field support for this movie sandbags UITA's only real chance for a win, I'm gumby pissd.
• The Secret of Kells?  WTF?  I don't know what this film is, but what's the point of making an Irish movie if you're not going to put Colin Farrell in it (even if it is animated -- actually, a toon Colin would be KICK-AWESOME!!!)?  Okay, okay, maybe Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, too.
• I wonder if the whole moving to 10 nominees thing was worth it.  The average moviegoer doesn't obsess about reading the movie award tea leaves like *ahem* some of us do, so to them, The Blind Side, Up!, and District 9 getting nominated are great.  And it is great -- don't get me wrong.  But with the rest of the categories still limited to 5 -- most notably Best Director -- for geekazoids, we all sort of know what the 5 would have been in a different year.  It'll be interesting to see if the 10 noms affects the final vote (the Oscars use a weird weighted thingy system).  Otherwise, this whole expanding to 10 noms thing is really, truly stupid.
• In other news, I might have to watch TBS now before it inevitably plays ad infinitum on TBS.
• Peru got nominated for a film called The Milk of Sorrow.  That just makes me want to go beat up nerds and steal their lunch money.  It's like, take Johnny Weir, Elizabeth Wurtzel, every disaffected teen girl who takes photographs of her feet, every wannabe East Village hipster living on daddy's dime trying to be a documentary filmmaker when all he really wants to do is sell out, and every copy of The Perks of Being a Wallflower, The Bell Jar, and The Catcher in the Rye (including e-versions), and then stick them in a blender.  Out will come a film called "The Milk of Sorrow."  And no, I haven't seen it.

It's Not an iPad. Wait. How Should That Be Capitalized?

I've held out as long as I could.  With the announcement last week of the Apple Maxipad (now with wings! actually, with the way that Stev-o keeps hemming and hawing, it might actually have wings), and no other announcements, I decided it was time to make the big switchBACK to Mac.  Yes, I figured out every discretionary body part I had that could be sold, and ordered me a schmancy MacBook Pro.

 

Please note.  This is a switchBACK.

 

You see, I grew up on Macs, and then one day, Stev-o got kicked out by stupid people, Mac Clones emerged, and nearly destroyed the brand.  But Stev-o came back, and then IBM got sold, and then my computer died, and now I need a new computer.  (Ta da!  The entire history of Apple in two sentences!)  Oh, it hurts though.  I hate spending that kind of money.  Even on pretty gadgets.  But it was needed.

 

Now, I'm just counting the days.  In particular, day 15 after my new playmate arrives.  For I assure you, on that day, the day AFTER I can return my order, Apple will revamp its entire line and drop the price of the model I purchased by $500.  You know, I liked that kidney.

When Two Elephants Fight, It's the Grass That Suffers.

Apple recently unveiled its electronic tampon, and the recent CES show featured oodles of e-readers.  So, natch, eyes have been on Amazon and it's super-awesome-fandango Kindle (I'm biased) to see how it would respond.  There's a titter here and there about opening up apps on it, but the biggest brouhaha has been that MacMillan books and The Bezos got into a tif re: pricing.  So much so that last Friday The Beez yanked the books from the website.  I get it, two big swinging ____ are fighting for the very survival of the publishing industry, and they each have different views on how to do that.  I don't know enough about the inner-evils of every RandomHouse wannabe, but I do know this: They best get their act together because I need to read The Politician.  Now.  (For reals, I'm not big into political bios, but John Edwards's fall from grace transcends all.  And I mean all.  It's like the literary version of the Real World / Road Rules Challenge, and we know how I feel about that.)

 

As of Sunday, Amazon totes raised the white flag, but The Politician is still not up for sale.  (When they do put it back up, they better not go all Barnes & Bitches on us by making the e-version of it only available in another two months.)

 

Come on people.  I can only read so much legitimate literature before I need to slum it.  Don't make me read The Deep End fan-fiction.