"Green" Has More Than One Meaning, Mr. Golfer Man.

The current celeb hubbub (oh, Adam Lambert - you've learned how quickly these things change) is Tiger Woods's car accident.  Yadda yadda.  He won't talk.  Blah Blah.

 

What I want to know is why, in this Inconvenient Truth era, no one is spazzing out over the fact that he was driving an Escalade.  Dude.  Just because you're rich doesn't mean you don't have to worry about the environment.  (Except it sort of does.  I know.  He can buy his way onto an ark.  Yeah, I saw 2012.  *Hurl*)

Why Glee Is Filled With Awesome and Suck.

I've noogied Adam a fair number of times (figuratively) IRL because I think he's occasionally contrarian when it comes to the "it" movie or TV show of the year (yeah, yeah, I get the hatred for Diablo Cody -- seriously, have people stopped using "shenanigans" in everyday parlance?). So I tread on hypocritical water when it comes to my critique of Glee. But I have good reasons. And I'm willing to admit that there are some redeeming things about it. Some. But overall, OMG. People. This show is terrible.

THE WIN:

1. Lea Michele's voice. Glee's magical sword (think Legend of Zelda for the reference). The show basically lives because it found an actor who can alternate effortlessly between youth and maturity with a simple switch of her head voice. I mean, for realz, she made me want to listen to a Celine Dion song, and I haven't wanted to do that since Celine sang with that chubby Asian girl playing violin. Best to date: Her take on Defying Gravity.
   
2. Puck. Even though Mark Salling continues in the rich history of waaaay overaged dudes playing high school people, the show somehow has gotten the Puck character just right. He's not hyperarticulate (although I loves me my D. Creek dialogue -- RTR K.Will!), but he's not an idiot, either. He's hormonal. And ultimately, surprisingly, that makes him one of the more believable -- and fun characters.
   
3. Quinn. Someday, I'll do a write-up of why I think the Star Wars movies had a fundamental flaw in them -- in short, it has to do with characters who don't change (see Jedis). But Quinn's the opposite. Although Glee's central romance is supposed to be Rachel and Finn (I think), Quinn has gone through the most compelling, and most dramatic, character arc so far. She was the queen bee until her pregnancy -- and along the way the fleece was lifted from her eyes on Sue, on Gleeks, on Puck, and on herself. To me, it's no wonder that she's lately been the center of the show.
   
4. Brittany. The best airhead since Amanda Seyfried in Mean Girls.
   
5. Kurt, his dad, and yes, the actors who play them. Mike O'Malley was kinda bril on My Own Worst Enemy. I forgot how he wasted airtime on Yes, Dear because of it. Mikey continues that streak with his portrayal of Kurt's dad, and with Chris Colfer, the two have created the most affectionate and real family dynamic so far on the show.
   
6. Jane Lynch. The Sue character teeters on the brink of caricature, but Jane Lynch's delivery keeps it well within the merely absurd. I can't wait for her inevitable villain song (cue Alan Menken -- update me some Poor Unfortunate Souls, stat) to cement her status as one of the all time greatest b's on TV.
   

THE SUCK:

1. Cory Monteith's voice. You're telling me that the producers found Lea Michele, but they paired her with Cory Monteith's singing? Nuh uh. No way. Some people were out cold on Sudafed or something when they auditioned him. Really.
   
2. Mr. Shoe's wife. I've complained about this before. Mr. Shoe's wife is a horribly written and horribly acted character. It demeans the show, and it demeans Will to keep such an unlikable and UNNECESSARY character around. Will couldn't have been single? Really? And FYI, the fact that I put this at number 2 should just show you how much I hate Cory's singing.
   
3. Plotlines that go nowhere. Where should I start? The AcaFella's? The fact that Mr. Shoe originally blackmailed Finn into joining the Glee Club? Puck and Rachel's hookup (this one should have gone on much longer -- RIPE for comedic gold)? Emma's dirt aversion? Kurt being on the football team? Tina's secret reveal to Artie? There were so many promising subplots, but for some reason, the show has decided to stick with the stupidest -- the pregnancy switcheroo for Will's heinous wife. It's like Lost at its suckiest when new stuff was introduced only to be forgotten an episode later. This is some of the worst TV writing I have seen in a long time -- especially in a show that frustratingly has great ideas to boot.
4. Emma's office. I admit. This is a minor pet peeve. But no way in hell would the schools guidance counselor have a glass office.
   
5. Mercedes. I had some nice hopes that Mercedes would be a great high school girl with some messy hormonal outbursts ever since the whole L'Affaire Kurt. Instead, she's devolved into a bland black diva 3-snap stereotype.
   
6. Sandy Ryerson. Offensive in every way. Including wasting Stephen Tobolowsky on a character that should never have made it past Standards & Practices, even at a moral dumping ground like Fox. And I like Family Guy. So there you go.
   
7. Another token minority character in a position of authority. Consider it another pet peeve, but with a twist. Glee has had some awesome moments. I loved that Sue tried to split the club in two based on race and other minority characteristics -- just to bait Will and his softie consciousness to figure out how to call her out. It's times like this when Glee glides on cringeworthy absurdism. But most of the time -- as embodied by the principal -- it falls back on stupid token stereotypes to fill its Benetton quota. Seriously: watch almost any show. The character who's in a position of authority is typically a minority character. That character is the least interesting, but hey, at least it shows a broken glass ceiling. Right? Pfft.
   
8. The nagging feeling that Kurt won't ever get a boyfriend. Speaks for itself.
   
9. Using the school musical to lure Rachel away. Another minor point. But one that leads to a bigger point: In a world of Show Choir -- the school musical would naturally overlap in terms of members. That Rachel somehow had to choose -- and that she would be the only one -- was a dumb way to try and wedge her from the group. And as the show has shown -- there has been no interesting subplot involving Rachel since that weak attempt. I love Lea Michele, and I love Rachel, but the show has no idea what to do with her as a lead protagonist. And it's obvious.
10. Mr. Shuester rapping. It was fun once. It has sucked ever since.
    

Beans.

I've taken to using chili as my go to dish for getting rid of leftover bean-type substances and vegetables.  Note to self (which is weird that I'm posting this on the internet, since it's not really to my "self" this way): ginger does not go well in chili.  Instead of tasting like chili, it tastes like someone stuck some ginger in it.  Descriptive, I know.

You Didn't Ask For It!

As you might have noticed here at 28ST, I'm a fan of Kris Allen. And NOT a fan of Twilight (sparkly vampires, puuuuuuuuuuuke). So I obviously was first in the internet line to buy Kris's debut album last Tuesday. I've now worn out the cassette tape, so I'm ready to run down the awesomeness of it all for your reading playsure. This is THE definitive unbiased review. Un. Biased.

Couple things to note: First, AI debut albums suck. They produce them in like 4 months while they tour. This isn't conducive to music that is good. Remember, Kelly's awesomeness began with her second album. So consider this context. Second, I'm not music-y enough to critique the album-iness of the album. I guess it doesn't really matter because iTunes has changed the artistic statements of albums anyway. So, like everyone else, I'm going to discuss it song-by-loverly-song:

STUFF EVEN NON-FANS WILL POOP IN THEIR PANTS FOR:

• Live Like We're Dying - There was a lot of hubbub over the fact that this first single is actually a cover of a song by the Script. First. Who? Right. So really who cares. And second, even if the Script never released it, almost every Idol has to sing something that was a reject of some other established star. Kelly sang Christina Aguilera. Adam sang Aerosmith, then Britney (and is now singing Pink). People, these contestants are being churned out like cookies. Let's give 'em a break and just enjoy the bouncy pop fun that is LLWD.
  
• The Truth - This ballad hurts. In a good way. I think it's one of the best blends of lyrics and melody on the whole album.
  
• Alright With Me - Think George Harrison's Got My Mind, and mix in one ridiculous falsetto note. You've got one of the happiest songs ever. And that's saying something, since songs are inanimate objects and can't have feelings.
  
• Red Guitar - Kris wrote this for Katy, so there's something very rough about it. It captures something pre-Idol about Kris, and you can sense it (deep, I KNOW). The only thing I don't like about it is that Kris sings it as if he has a speech impediment where he can't pronounce the letter "R" correctly. And you can't blame Arkansas for this one, K-Siz. But I still love you.
  
• I Need to Know - Kris has suggested that this is about a crisis of faith. Brother, tell me about it. I'm kinda flabbergasted that it's even on the album. It's like unpop. But really, really good.
  

STUFF ONLY FANS WILL PROLLY DROOL OVER:

• Before We Come Undone - Probably the most straightforward pop song of the whole album. And that's not a great thing. It's good though. I just find the resolution in the chorus totally unsurprising and unsatisfying. If I weren't a fan, I'd be sort of unswayed, but I am a fan. So woot!
  
• Is It Over - Bluesy-eyed soul at Kris's finest. But again, it sounds like a lot of other bluesy-stuff out there. I can see this being cool in concert, when Kris can play with meter a bit more. But as it is recorded, it's a touch too slow and too measured. Make is more playful.
  
• Bring It Back - Kris channels The Fray. I like it, but this is exactly the kind of song that makes me look forward to what Kris will do on album 2 with more time.
  
• Let It Rain - Cheesy lyrics aside, this is another cool ballad. But some peeps might not be able to get past the cheesy lyrics. Even if you put them aside. Which is weird, since if you put them aside, you should be able to get past them just fine. Huh.
  
• Send Me All Your Angels - Kris channels Daughtry. See BIB, supra.
  

FILLER:

• Can't Stay Away - Kris channels Maroon 5. See BIB and SMAYA, supra. Only less successfully so. Kris being swaggerific isn't all that convincing. I love him, but he's only 4 feet tall. Reminds me too much of all the Napoleon's out there trying to dunk a basketball.
  
• Written All Over My Face - There's something unsatisfying about the melody, the harmony, the way too heavy bass and rhythm, and the lyrics. It's not terrible, like Lifetime, infra, but it just feels all over the place. As if the center won't hold (even though it ultimately does).
  
• Heartless - Ok. I like this version (which critics have compared to Phil Collins's In the Air) much better than the studio version released a couple months ago. It's still not as good as the pure acoustic version Kris sang to get into the finale. Overall, it's just unnecessary (although I guess, if this was the compromise so that No Boundaries was bumped - then I wave the white flag). Especially when EVERYONE is buzzing over the Mat Kearney collab that didn't make the album.
  
• From the Ashes - Another one where I feel like the chorus was an opportunity lost for just the most ear wormy hook. It's nice, but I'm not going to remember it a couple years from now.
  

YUCK:

• Lifetime - Ugh. Don't bother. This is Kris channeling Danny Gokey. I know, RIGHT?
  

Food?!?!?!?!?!?!?

After I watched Super Size Me, I had a craving for McDonald's.

 

After I read Fast Food Nation, I immediately went to Burger King and pigged out.

 

Seeing a pattern?

 

But, well, last night I finished reading In Defense of Food.  Jebus.  I don't want to eat anything now.  This did it for me.  Yeesh.

McEwan.

Recently I finished reading Ian McEwan's First Love, Last Rites. It's one of his earlier writings -- a collection of short stories. The only other thing I've read by him is Atonement, which I thought was near perfect (I wasn't that inspired by the middle section that seemed like a dry description of war -- sort of like running through sand a bit). Yeah, it was sort of abrupt to switch from a refined gem to rough beginnings. Still, it's interesting to see how the two connect -- the writing was good of course, but the dude's got a fascination with the tension between immaturity and sexual adulthood. Wild. I might officially add IMc (J.Lo/A.Rod'ing his name doesn't really work, huh) to the list of authors whose works I'll voluntarily read more than one of.

Sigh, I know. That last sentence was grammatically lazy. I'm too tired to fix it.

Go Watch Conan's Interview of Gabourey Sidibe. It's Awesome.

Although it might not seem like it, I've actually restrained myself from spazzing too much about Kris Allen's debut album coming out tomorrow. Seriously, if you thought this was bad, imagine if I didn't hold myself back, and fully on flailed like I was a 13 year old girl.

Gearing up for my, yes, pre-ordered album, I'm sort of dazzled by all the Kris press going on! There's this article in particks that was awesome. And it's from the AP no less! Weird. I know. Here are some choice quotes:

Since foiling Lambert at the "American Idol" finale last May, the 24-year-old singer-songwriter from Conway, Ark., has not appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine and declared he's gay. His music can't be heard during the credits of the apocalyptic action flick "2012." And you won't find him posing in a racy Details photo shoot with a naked woman.

(Shame. I mean...) Standard intro (although I just read excerpts from Adam's new OUT interview -- as good if not better than his Rolling Stone article). But then this whammy:

Allen is looking forward to touring with his band next year and hopes to keep an Allen family Christmas tradition going strong this holiday. Every year, Allen's mother gives him and his brother, Daniel, a new pair of pajamas and a board game, which they play — no matter how long it takes — before going to bed. He already knows what game he wants this year.

"The new Monopoly with the big towers," he says, his eyes widening. "You can build cities. It's weird."

Seriously. K-Sizzle is the patron saint of beagle puppies. I. Can't. Wait. For. His. Album. And. Tour.

Round Up.

1. I totally remember Harvey, Don, and Bruno from Sesame Street! I wish Don were still around. So what if kids imitated him.

2. Michelle wears 'em. As if I need any justification to wear my awesome bright red Crocs. B____, please.

3. First MTV doesn't have music. Then Syfy trips out on whatever NoCal is serving. And now Cartoon Network no longer is showing just cartoons. TV networks really need to put more thought in their channel names before they commit.

4. Some time back, Planet Money did a piece to assess who might be at fault for the current economic crisis. I happened to find the role that the ratings agencies played in the development of mortgage backed securities particularly persuasive. So it's nice that they got a little spanking. But also, forgive me, though I love my Massachusetts (sniff -- it was a hard weekend -- I converted my license), somehow, I'm not comforted when the raters state that the state bonds are stable.

5. Interesting.

6. Jebus. Fright Night was one of the first movies -- if not THE first movie -- to give me nightmares. Like, friggin' wake-up-in-a-cold-sweat-screaming nightmares. I'll pass, thanks.

My Hope.

My hope is that maybe Ted Mosby's breaking up with Lindsay Price, for whom I have little love [read: none], will get this season of HIMYM back on the track of awesomeness.  The past few weeks of "not-as-good-as-previous-seasons-but-still-far-superior-to-most-crap-on-TV-although-this-season-as-a-whole-has-been-kinda-awesome-*cough*vampirediariescougartownmodernfamilyncisla*cough*.  I mean, she's poison.

 

True story.

In Other News.

If you haven't watched this vid from College Humor re: Pixar, you are a less valuable human being. Consider this my olive branch:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

My Street.

 

From DCist.  Yeah.  The DC public schools could use some work.

Sesame Street's Berfday.

Google has been intentionally leaving things blank in celebration of Sesame Street's 40th birthday. I don't really know what they have to do with each other. Anyhoo, Jimmy Fallon reminded me of one of the besterest SStreet vid's ever:


Other cool captains include Captain Planet and Captain Delicate, my friend Chris's possibly future super butch dog.

McMemories.

When I was 10, Mickey D's had this effin' bril marketing campaign where they shipped out vinyl LPs of the "Menu" song in the Sunday newspaper. If you got the one where the chorus manages to sing the entire song -- you won like a billion dollars or something like that. I don't think anyone ever found the winning one, but the song itself was like this uber-badge of pop culture awesomeness (think Barenekkid Ladies' One Week plus REM's End of the World times BJ's We Didn't Start the Fire) that kids on the playground would practice singing. You know, so we could be zombified into buying McDonald's.

Whatev's. When mass inculcation is this smart, I surrender.

It Just Isn't The Same Without Kevin.

Dude. AJ looks rough.



Yikes.

That's What I Remember?

As anyone who knows me will tell you, nothing I say is original.  Trust me, if I say it, a movie or TV show has already done it, and done it funnier or with more attractive people.

 

So, I just yawned, and blurted out "Great Googa Mooga!  I'm tired!"

 

Realizing that I've said that before, I checked to see where I got it.  Apparently, I got it from this movie.  Really.  Bi.  Zarre.  I have a LOT of crap stuck up in my head.

Don't Piss Off The Fans.

How is that not obvious?

 

Today, you can pre-order Kris Allen's (<--btws I just wrote Kris Album by acci-pose) debut from iTunes.  Here are the multiple rubs that is pissing people (most importantly, me) off.

 

First, iTunes offered the "iTunes Pass" which was basically an obvious rip-off where they promised to send you exclusive content from the American Idol tour re: the Tender Puppy himself.  In this day and age of YouTube, I was surprised that anyone bit.  I guess it wasn't that big a deal though b/c part of the package was a pre-order of the album.

 

Second, iTunes released Live Like We're Dying, K-Sizzle's most ridick new single that is in the vein of Man in the Mirror -- i.e. a message song without the hamfisted preachiness of Evil Gokey (<---it has been a long time since I knocked him -- feels good).  I totally bought it.  Think Britney in a shiny-things store.

 

Third, the pre-order today is necessary to get an "exclusive bonus track."  I obviously went for it, but am kinda annoyed that I'm essentially buying LLWD twice.  It's unclear if I can just "complete the album" as you normally can on iTunes.

 

Fourth, Walmart.com also has an "exclusive bonus track" that is DIFFERENT from the one being sold on iTunes.  And it's unclear if they'll sell it separately, or if you have to buy the full album there to get it.

 

Look, I get that the music industry is having issues.  Think Miley and Twitter's "relationship."  But one of the brilliant things about iTunes was that at the heigh of Napster/Limewire/Kazaa/Grokster mania, along came a pay site that succeeded.  What boggles my mind is that music people somehow didn't learn that people WILL pay for their music, but it has to be fair.  Almost like, like, dare I say it?  A free market?  Screwing around like this with the faithful of new artists/epic symbols of ridick cuteness is just begging for the underground trade to come back in full force.  I'm just saying.

 

I've ranted about the music folks before.  Stop being douches, people.

This Fall's TV Is Amah-zing.

I've done a bunch of first impressions of the TV shows that I've checked out this season. I think that I've pretty much got my schedule down now, so here's a summary of what my DVR makes love to each week.

• 30 Rock. Old reliable.
  
• America's Next Top Model. Just an awful cycle; I look forward to tall people coming back. Give the title to bloody-eye girl. Apologize for the blackface. And never cheap out again (seriously, Tyra photographed twice and the "destination" was Hawaii? how much does this mess cost on a regular basis that you had to cut corners for the shorties?)
  
• Community. An auspicious beginning has sort of lost its buzz. But Abed, Chevy Chase, and Ken Jeong more than make up for the already tired romance between Joel McHale and the water filterer.
  
• Cougar Town. Best new guilty pleasure! Courteney Cox is balls to the wall in this, and it totally pays off. The sweet rapport she has with her son (of Aliens in America non-fame), her ex-husband (nailed it!), and her paper buddy are the highlights.
  
• Dollhouse. Confession: I haven't watched an episode yet. Part of me is just waiting to see if FOX will actually air the entire season, or if I should just wait until it's fully released on DVD.
  
• Family Guy. Junk food for the soul.
  
• Flash Forward. Imagine Lost, but with an actual plot and with writers who actually know what they are doing.
  
• Fringe. I'm upset at the Evil Francie Redux plotline. And Liv has gone back to being insufferable. Come on, J.J. stopping sucking whenever your shows make it to a second season.
  
• Glee. If this show keeps going the way its going, expect a blog post devoted to just how awful everything other than the songs and Jane Lynch are.
  
• How I Met Your Mother. Too much Barney and Robin. Get back to Ted and the Mother!
  
• Modern Family. The best written new show. Al Bundy anchors this updated version of Arrested Development. Sofia Vergara is remarkably believable. Cameron is a star.
  
• NCIS: Los Angeles. They should just rename this NCIS: Bromance.
  
• Project Runway. Just awful. I don't care who wins. It might as well be Irina even though she's a raving b____________.
  
• The Cleveland Show. Junk food for the soul, part 2.
  
• The Office. Still funny.
  
• The Real World / Road Rules Challenge: The Ruins. Crack for the soul.
  
• The Simpsons. Even if it's not as good as it once was, it's still funny.
  
• Top Chef: Las Vegas. One of the best seasons. GO JENNIFER!
  
• Vampire Diaries. The best new show of the season. I'm totally serious.
  
• White Collar. The other cool bromance of the season. Nice salve after the sort of suckitude of the fall season of Psych.