I'm Torn.

While I understand the criticism in the comments of using Hollywood movie imagery instead of real life events to accompany Carl Sagan's words, I think that this speech is in and of itself powerful enough to overcome any trite association with commercialized films. And it's most definitely worthy enough to be linked to.

AI9: The Top 6 Sing -- Sigh -- Shania Twain.

Yeah, I'm lowering my expectations. Not only because this season is terrible (like, Taylor Hicks terrible), but because this theme could not be dumber. Shania Twain? Canadian country? Really? This whole songbook trend for themes has got to end. As does Randy's taste in sweaters.

Don't get me wrong. I like Shania. She likes the Asians. Just, like, really? As a theme?

1. LEEEEEEEEEE. He's harmonizing! Which is weird, because he doesn't really sing in tune. AND he's doing side-mouth singing. Not as cute as Krissy Allen Poohs, but close.

2. BIG MIIIIIKE. Look, I know that Mike means well, but dude just is uncontrollably cheesy. Everything about his just screams -- velvet. As if he's supposed to be Miss Kentucky in the Miss America Pageant. Totally just not my style. Although, yes, he sings more in tune more than Lee does.

3. KC. I feel like Shania is generally a good mentor. Do you think Casey has problems when it's really humid outside? Like his hair just goes all bouffant, and not in a good way? That was actually really good, except for his vibrato. And it's awesome that Shania is sitting next to a gnome.

4. MAMASOX!!! Omg, Ryan just made a crack about Shania's white teef in front of Crystal -- who used to have poopy coloured teef. Omg, I love Crystal. She just called out her bf for not getting down on one knee already. Grawd. Loves. Oh, is there someone blowing an empty moonshine jug? Or Steve Martin? This is so country fair. I love it. I hope other people love it, too.

5. AAAAAARON. Sigh, will I be missing anything if I just ff through his perf? Oh, please, as if he would ever disagree with her. He's 17 going on 13. Also, everyone who keeps comparing him to Archie: (1) he's not as good as Archie and (2) he's not nearly as adorable as Archie. Archie also has better hair. And laughs like he's being tickled by puppies. This perf is just so karaoke. There's nothing special about it whatsoever. I feel like people are cheering for him as if he took his first step. Like Bambi. Without being as cool. Yes, he's not as cool as Bambi. That's how much I don't care for him.

6. SIOBHAN. Oh, I love this song. This is one of the best Shania songs ever. Siobhan sounds amazing -- I'll give her that. She's even made up like Shania -- hair, get-up, etc. And she does her signature scream -- replete with end glory note. That was awesome. Cheesy, but in a good way, not a Big Mike way. Cheesy in a -- Shania way. SWEET. Punk country is right. That's what Magnus should do it.

Best: Siobhan.

Close: Casey (darn that stupid vibrato).

Good: Lee, Crystal.

Terrible: Mike, Aaron.

Bottom: Mike, Aaron, Casey. Although, I could see a shocker bottom 3 where Crystal is there instead of Casey.

Going home: Mike.

I Know, I'm Posting This Late.

[I'm cleaning out my Google Reader starred items. Sue me.]

I didn't watch Jersey Shore, but you BET I would watch Wicked Summer.

Here's what I appreciate from the casting:

• Chicopee shout-out! (Western Mass!)
• Wellesley preps are included. When Slate predicted this, even they acknowledged that Massholes come in more than one variety.
• They dropped "hoagies" from the alleged early draft of the posting.
• "Seeking ages 21-80+"

Cleaning Up House, Part Quatre.

1. Call me a sucker for obvious statements, but this l'il vid came to my attention a few months back when Jeremy Renner was relevant for one shining moment and when Sandra Bullock's life was perfect. It makes fun of Hollywood -- and also make me cringe at hoe formulaic Hollywood really is:

2. Speaking of cringing at Hollywood. I sort of miss him as an action star:



3. So despite all that, again, I'm nuts I guess because I sort of think this would be a fantastic movie:

I'm Not Crazy Or Anything.

But I was irrationally excited that Kris Allen was spotted eating din din at a hotel near me.

 

And no, WaPo, they have never crafted a cuter Idol.  (Eat it, ArchAngels! [/dork])

Da Bay State.

She might as well have sang a song that went "Tuesday night we went to the Christmas Tree Shop / And drove past the Friendly's / At Roche Brothers "Steal Away" by Robbie Dupree was playing softly / And Tuesday nights are like this forever."

-Gawker's hilari-diculous Richard Lawson on Siobhan.  Seriously, if you're an AI junkie and you aren't reading his recaps, you're missing out.

AI9: The Top 7 Give Back.

I'm super busy tonight, so I'm keeping it short and sweet tonight.

First things first, does Randy ever get tired of booing Simon when Simon gets introed? Also, it seems super inappropos for Big Mike to bear hug Alicia Keys like that.

Casey - Ever since he did Huey Lewis, I can't stop hearing HuLew when Casey "sings." Also, best screenshot ever was Casey's "friends" holding guitar-shaped signs reading "Casey Rocks" but accidentally obscuring the R and the top of the o so it looks like "Casey Sucks." Truer words have never been written on guitar-shaped signs.

Lee - Lee's got some tattz. Did not know that. Jebus, forgetting Lee for a sec, this song is so ridiculously good. Back to Lee - he threw on a swanky loose tie combo (a la Kris Allen singing How Sweet It Is) AND he threw in some falsetto. I like Lee's teeth. (Als0, interestingly, Lee is playing in the Kris Allen Memorial Spot. Hah.)

Tim - Does he just never cut his hair? Or sing in tune? That was awful.

Aaron - Oh, this is even more painful. Tim, you're lucky that Aaron's still flailing in this comp. Why did people cheer for that?

Siobhan - I kinda like Alicia as a mentor. What the hell is she wearing? I thought that was cheese-tastically over-the-top AWESOME. So theater. So drama. So overblown. Loves it. I read that the judges hated it, but the judges are stupid. Just listen to me, not them, because I'm an anonymous blogger on the internet. Total credibility.

Mike - Ugh. I'm sure Mike's a nice guy and all, but his whole kumbaya shtick is particularly grating on the "inspirational songs" week. I don't think that inspiration is intentional, which is why I hate people like Mike so much. The song was okay. Meh.

Crystal - She gets pimped again! How many times has she gotten to sing last? Lucky gryl. Plus, she doesn't have the stank of Lil or Danny Gokey on her neiver. I just stopped blogging for a sec, because Crystal just made me stop. No snark here. She looks amazing. Earthy, but sophisticated. Going gospel works for her. And then she is so overcome with emotion that she starts crying. DUDE. Crystal just took Lee's Moment, ripped out its little heart, chewed it like gum, and replaced the whole damn thing with her own. Crystal has her Moment, which is really the only thing she needed to secure her spot in the finals.

But then Fox epically fails. The show gets cut off by my DVR for running long. And now I bet that Glee will also be cut off by a few minutes. Thanks for being just the worst channel ever, Fox. And yes, I realize that NBC sucks.

League of her own: Crystal.

Woulda had a moment but-for Crystal: Lee.

Good enough: Siobhan, Casey.

Bottom 3: Aaron, Mike, Tim.

Going home: Aaron.

Dude. Duke! Wash, Rinse, REPEAT.

Holy carp, my pasty-white velociraptor Kyle Singler is staying. STAYING. Given the current pro bball climate, it's not at all clear what the best choice was for him. But it is tooooootes clear what the best choice was for fans.

WOOT!

I'm Going To Try And Watch Movies.

Despite the fact that I really have no personal time in which to go to the theatah -- I'm looking forward to the summer anyway. The spring movie season is usually pretty terrible because studios tend to dump their bad movies then. Summer -- you get the big shooty flix, which then ease into the fall prestige films. Thank goodness it's about that time! Anyhoo, as I did last year, I perused the EW summer preview and here's what, in a perfect world, I'd watch (and what would be good movies -- even though at least half if not more will suck).

MAY

• Iron Man 2 (5/7). I still don't really understand why they had to replace Terrence Howard. Still, RDJ in that cobalt blue racing suit redefines dashing. Yowsa.
• Robin Hood (5/14). Is it weird that Hollywood still can't find a modern English actor to play RH other than Cary Elwes? Meh, I think that Cate Blanchett as Marion is inspired (I'd almost rather it be from her POV) and bows and arrows are cool, so, yah.
• Prince of Persia (5/28). If, IF, this turns out to be a Pirates of the Caribbean-type adventure, I'm in. If it turns out to be a Tomb Raider type dud, then I'm out.
• Micmacs (5/28). Jean-Pierre Jeunet goes all mimsy on us borogroves!

JUNE

• Ondine (6/4). Colin Farrell is my favorite actor. And he knocked up his leading lady. So yah, amusing.
• Toy Story 3 (6/18). Because I have a pulse.
• Knight and Day (6/25). Because despite Tom Cruise's brainwashing of Katie Holmes, he's still a movie star who makes awesome movies. And the trailer made me laugh. And I don't even think the trailer gave away the whole movie! (See MIB as a horrible example of the latter.)

JULY

• The Last Airbender (7/2). You have no idea how anxious I am about this one. If you don't know, Avatar: The Last Airbender, was this amazing cartoon on Nickelodeon -- incredibly mature concept that nerds like me can appreciate, but fun and light for the young'ns. When I heard they were making this live action, I... was excited. And then I heard that M. Night Shyamalaladingdong was directing, I... threw up a little in my mouth. And then when I heard that he didn't cast ANY Asian leads, I got pissed (he's since put in what's his name from Slumdog instead of JESSE FRIGGIN MCCARTNEY). This is definitely one of those movies where I'm not sure that getting what I wished for (a live-action version) is all that it's cracked up to be.
• Inception (7/16). Even though it has a crappy title, this is Christopher Nolan doing his Memento thang. You bet I want to see this.
• The Sorcerer's Apprentice (7/16). God help me. I hate both of the "stars" but I'm a fantasy-junkie.
• Kisses (7/16). Yeah, yeah, I have a weird thing for Irish-themed films.
• Dinner for Schmucks (7/23). Predictable premise. But it's hard for me not to want to see Paul Rudd in a movie. Just impossible. He. Has. Tiny. Arms.
• Salt (7/23). Because Angelina Jolie kicking ass is bliss.
• The Adjustment Bureau (7/30). I don't really understand what it's about, but hey, I always like to put Matt Damon's movies on my To See list and then inevitably not be able to see them in the theaters because I'm too busy. Sigh.

AUGUST

• Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (8/13). Dude. Awesome premise.

AI9: The Top 9 Rehash Themselves. Yet Again.

I don't mind that Adam Lambert is the mentor. What I do mind is that he is the quintessential example of the producers shoving what they think is the star down our throats. And this is what I simply just do not get. This show, this crazy stoopid I-hate-to-hate-it show is TAILOR-MADE to just go with the flow to figure out what the public wants. Why force it? Why pimp your favorites? It makes no sense whatsoever. I like Adam as much as the next one (well, maybe not as much as most people), but I can't help but feel like he's always got the stank of teacher's petness about him. And he don't need that! Sigh.

Crys Bowserocks. CB does her same singer-songwriter bluesy-soul -- but she swirled it a touch. That's awesome. Because as good as she is -- if she doesn't figure out a way to change it up every single week, she's not going to win. See Melinda Doolittle, and, hell, Adam Lambert. No one denies that they were the most talented their seasons, but people, that's not what wins AI. (And I spit on those people who don't know their propuh AI history. Ever since Kelly beat Justin AND Tamyra, this show is about growth.)

Andy Garcia. Not the famous one from the Untouchables. He gets reamed by the judges, and for good reason. AG's performance reminds me -- excuse me while I dork out for a sec -- of the current advice for concerto competition musicians. Because some pieces have become so iconic -- or so associated with a certain performer (think Jacqueline Dupre and the Dvorak Cello Concerto) -- that many performers now use lesser-known or new pieces for competitions. Hound Dog, you see, is the Mozart Clarinet Concerto of Elvis songs. And AG is, sadly, simply an also-ran on some televised singing competition.

Timothe Urbane. "Showing people that I know what the words are about." Deep. TU isn't a bad singer. He's just an immature singer. Meaning that he has a limited voice and still hasn't figured out how to make the most of it. By comparison, Kris Allen (I luv him -- haven't you noticed?) doesn't have a voice that will stop cars -- but oh my grawd does he know how to make the most of it. TU's got a ways to go. All in all, though, he was surprisingly decent this week.

LLe Dwyz. "So, Lee is great." Read: "Lee reminds me of Kris Allen, and I love Kris, so I love you." LD just sounds good. And that smirk-smile he does is so cute. OMG, Kara's advice was spot on. "That was fire." Oh, Ryan, you are a douchebag.

Erin Kheli. Aaron knows that this song is wrong for him... and yet he's still singing it. This has disaster written all over it. Take a look at my critique of AG and apply it here. It's the very definition of KaraDioguarke. See what I did there? I so clever. Here's what AK should have done: a country version of Blue Suede Shoes. Whoa! Simon just gave a shout out to Tim. Snow. Hell. Etc.

Siobhan Magnum PI. SHE'S SINGING MY FAVORITE ELVIS SONG. This sounds kinda Kathie Lee Gifford on a Carnival Cruise. Ooh, except for that little gospel spin at the end. Oh, she should have done that from the beginning. The second half of that song was waaaaaaaaaay waaay waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than the first.

Mika Lyncha. I love ML in those glasses. Oh, boo. He's not wearing them for the perf.

KT Stephens. Does KS bother anyone else just by being her? Yeah. Wow, apparently a Transformer threw up on her. And some weird pleather pants monster is eating her from the feet up. Oh, KS, you are not a badass. Towards the end of the song, I actually heard KS's voice not quite make it -- there were a few points where you could hear her swallow her "big" notes.

KC Jemz. I hate Ryan. Oh noez! Casey is standing in the Pit of Sway Despair! That's where both Kris and Matt had problems connecting. I hate CJ's vibrato. But overall, I like what CJ's doing with a funky, countrifried song. It suits him, and is fun. That's it. Fun. Nothing more than that. And still not hot.

Best: Crystal (duh), Lee (duh, sort of), Mike.

Okay: Tim (snuh!?!), the second half of Siobhan, Katie (I guess), Casey.

Worst: Andrew, the first half of Siobhan, Aaron.

Going home: Andrew and Aaron.

PS. THANK YOU FOR GETTING RID OF THE BACKSTAGE CAMERA.

Another Slew of Muppetness.

Is it weird that I don't know who Wendy Williams is? In other news, I wish that I had dancers who followed me around to throw down every time I randomly broke out into song:




I feel bad for Beaker. He gets picked on too much:




This is effing bril. If you only have time to watch one of theze vids, make it this one. "Please. Don't eat me. Don't do it.":

The Best New TV Show of the Spring.

For as much TV as I watch, I watch a surprisingly little amount of cable shows. I saw the first season of Breaking Bad, but haven't continued with it. I haven't gotten into Mad Men -- mostly because I learnt 'bout it too late and I hate picking things up mid-series. I've caught a few eps of The Riches on hulu, but I was never into The Shield, Rescue Me, or Nip/Tuck (I hate seeing plastic surgery -- even though I watch Cougartown). I did obsess over Battlestar Galactica because I'm a huge nerd, and I like Psych (even if it's gone downhill recently) and White Collar has its charms (Matt Bomer *teehee* is pretty). I don't watch The Closer, Damages, or Saving Grace. So yeah, take this recommendation with a hunk crystal of salt.

Justified stars Timothy Olyphant in all his grandest reticence and lanky physique as a U.S. Marshal with daddy issues and the type of sublimated anger that is far scarier than some in-your-face gangsta punching a hole through the wall every morning. He gets transferred from Miami to Kentucky, his home state, pending an investigation into his "justified" shooting of a criminal suspect. Hilarity ensues. Just kidding. What has ensued thus far is an easygoing mix of cowboy-movie austerity with modern day clashes of federal jurisdiction over local Kentucky flavor. The script is witty without being ironic. The action is slick without being predictable. And anything with Natalie Zea in it gets an automatic bump in the awesomeness meter.

One more thing: Olyphant's character is no off-the-reservation maverick like waaaaayyyy too many protagonists these days. The show chooses instead to allow the situations play out themselves. In a lot of ways, I think this is the dramatic counterpart to Cougartown -- the characters are written so well and their backstories, albeit still new, are sketched with such assurance that the show can just insert them into really interesting situations instead of contriving some random drama. In other words, just watch it. So I can have someone else to nerd out over the show with.

More On Duke.

• This is the single best recap of Duke's awesome National Championship that I've seen so far, courtesy of Sports Illustrated.
• This is the single worst recap that I've seen, courtesy of NBC. This article is filled with so much blind hate and disrespect. Dude. It actually made me angry to see, and I'm pretty tolerant of stupid people.
• In this world, Dewey also beat Truman.
• Kris Allen, I forgive you this time. Don't test me again.
• Ask my friends, I said that if Duke can break 60 -- the much vaunted statistic that was Butler's opposing score ceiling coming into the game -- the Butler spell would be broken. And it was. Kinda cool, that. (Also, I wore my Red Sox t-shirt and channeled the 2004 Sox during the entire game.)
• You didn't think I'd put another Duke bball post up and not include more praise for Scheyer, did you? Bitch, please.

AI9: The Top 9 Rehash a Theme. Again.

Hey there Comcast, thanks for not recording AI for me. [Editor's note: Reva's Comcast also screwed up. Way to go, Cable.] If it weren't for Rickey and MJ, I wouldn't know what happened in the first half hour. And yet ... this season ... there was a part of me that didn't care at all. Like, so I missed ... something. Wow, I really have no attachment to anyone on this season.

So, I missed a half hour, and wouldn't you know it... only two people have sung. Are you kidding me? You really need another reason for me to hate this season?

1. Aaron. Long and Winding Road.

Aaron pretends to be David Archuleta. If Archie sang with a country twang, out-of-tune, and jebus - out. of. tune. So, you know those swaybots -- does anyone ever do that at real concerts? Snore. My mind is spacing. Even that last "glory note" was boring. Sigh. Moving on.

2. Katie. Let It Be.

Excuse me for a second. Katie, dear. Did you not just see Kris Allen sing this song brilliantly for Haiti? Ugh. I bet either Simon doesn't acknowledge that or Kara says that Adam sang it. Well... okay, now. Ms. Pageant eighty-year-old teenager is sort of doing okay. When Katie crinkles her forehead, it looks like she has a unibrow. I'll be honest: That was the first time that I saw that Katie has potential. Not to win, mind you, but at least deserving of being in the finals.

3. Andrew. Can't Buy Me Love.

Remember the movie where Patrick Dempsey essentially bought a prostitute? I basically spaced out during Andrew's uninspiring perf to think about that movie. Andrew wasn't bad, but there was nothing about it that made me want to hear more.

4. Mike. Eleanor Rigby.

Dude. Sigh. He's singing a David Cook song. Just come on. And his family used to call themselves the "Lynche Mob"? Uhm. Awk--wwaaard. Anyone else with me on that one? All this is making me think of is that I miss David v. David. Mike is making this like some weird Miami Soundmachine 80's retro thing. And I don't like it. This song should be DRAMA. Just a wall of sound. And Mike makes it all laser-y pow pow. That's not a good thing.

Do you think that they hate the backstage cam because it forces everyone to hug each other? Like, what if you don't like someone? Or if someone smells bad? Or if someone is creepily handzy?

5. Crystal. Come Together.

Okay, Crystal, you're treading on thin ice by picking a Kris Allen song. I forgive you for two reasons: Kris kinda did terrible on this one, and you're kinda one of the only songtestants I care about this season. Digiridoo!!! (sp?) I don't know, but that's AWESOME. Niice. That little curl of the words at the end of the first line was so sexy. Hey, Carly Smithson, watch and learn. That's right. Mamasox, she of the disgusting dreaded hair, can pull off sexy because she knows how to infuse a single word with layers. Kind of a rough ending, and it seemed like CB was lost a few times, but we'll chalk it up to her being Phoebe sick.

6. Tim. All My Lovin'.

His hair is consuming him. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. So... like, yeah, this is in tune. And, like, it's pleasanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Zzzz. Snuh? This is just boring. I can't believe that this dude gets a minute and a half of airtime each week.

7. Casey. Jealous Guy.

LOLZ! Synergy! Angel and Zooey have been trotted out! Bare with me a sec -- does anyone else really like Andrew and Lee in these dish-about-the-other-contestants interviews? Touche, Egghead Latin Gokey, for you are sort of likeable. (Lee, well done, as expected.) I like this stripped down performance, but it has the drawback of exposing some weakness in Casey's voice itself. Namely: his lamb-vibrato. It's like that crap that Matt Giraud tried pulling on us last season (that Evil Gokey made fun of -- that b____).

8. Siobhan. Across the Universe.

I love Siobhan's hair. There. I said it. Hmm... Siobhan's sort of playing loosey goosey with the tempo. And when it's slow... it's a touch too slow. I totally get what she was going for with this version. I don't think it was exactly successful. Oh... dramatic close-up of Siobhan with tears. I don't think that Simon was expecting such a sincere, earnest answer. You could tell he had to backtrack and play nice.

9. Lee. Hey Jude.

First impression? Lee is dressed in the same, cazh, relaxed, loosened tie on suit outfit that Kris rocked last year during this night. Not a bad playbook to crib from. Lolz, they are making fun of the bromance! A Danny Gokey reference! Clapper joke! Holy carp, Lee really is stealing from Kris. Is Lee actually smiling? And now he's side-mouth singing Kris Allen style... this is creepy. W. T. F. SHARK JUMPED. BAG-F***ING-PIPES. Well. There's something Kris didn't do. Huge crowd reac. Mama-Sox has got competition. I'm so glad that Lee just owned it with the bagpipe. Sweet.

Best: Katie (where am I? did I just put her first?), Lee (for owning the bagpipe decision 100%).

Okay: Crystal, Siobhan, Casey, Mike, Andrew.

Worst: Aaron, Tim.

Bottom three: Aaron, Tim, and Andrew.

Bottom two: Aaron and Tim.

Going home: Tim.

Yup, I think this is the end of the road for Tim. [Editor's note: Apparently the judge's liked him -- I still think he's going home.]

Things I Lurv Even More.

DUKE!

Things I Lurv.

Dude.

1. Doogie just quoted Clue, one of the greatest movies of all time. All. Time.
2. Matty's going to be hangin' with Liz and Jack.
3. Billy Mitchell, a major, major douchebag, is currently displaced. This movie, btws, is also awesome.
4. Someone's actually trying to secede from the South.
5. Jon Scheyer. There was a sign during the Final Four game against West Virginia that read "Hobbits love the Scheyer!" I love my nerdy schools.