AI9: I Can't Pretend that This Show Is Worth It Anymore.

Really, America? You're going to send Didi home? Really? Really? Really? Not Tim the Joker? Katie the Robot? Andrew the Potato? Aaron the Turnip? Hell, even throw out Casey or Mike. Neither of them really have a legit chance at winning this thing in the long run.

And really, Judges? Who the F are you saving the Judges' Save for? And what the hell are you chitchatting about that's so important while Didi was singing?

I already fastforward (John Cho shout out!) through the judges' comments because 4 is just too many (they almost always agree -- do we really need to hear four iterations of praise or four iterations of criticism)? I just whizzed through the results show because I don't like Skinny Ruben, Usher's new single doesn't even sound like a song, Diddy's strobe lights apparently cause seizures (and his dancers ripped of Single Ladies), and the producers ran over time so the end was clipped off by about 4 minutes -- like last year's debacle that was its timing.

Blogging about it isn't even fun because I can only trash these horrible contestants so much before even I start feeling bad. Yes, ME! And I love judging others!

Just let Crystal and Lee have recording contracts. Give one to Didi, too, please, someone who knows what will actually sell in today's pop scene. And wake me up next time they have Kris Allen or Adam Lambert on to sing or, in Kris's case, make googly eyes at me through the telly.

Puke goes Season 9. Puke puke puke.

AI9: The Top 10 Usher Ushers Some Terrible Singers.

I'm going to just brain dump today, because I needs it:

• Usher's head has a funny shape to it. It's like a wasabi pea.
• Indoor sunglasses are stupid. And makes me think you're tweaking.
• Raymond v. Raymond = Usher's I Am . . . Sasha Fierce = Reason he's slumming it on AI.
• Siobhan just laid down another "wicked." Pissa!
• Siobhan, the Greek haircut, the ski boots, the bum notes. Oh, it's all atroshe. I gotta say, first major stumble for the presumptive silver medallist.
• This backstage cam is awful. Don't ever do that again.
• Casey looks like he's boring Usher.
• Casey is reminding me of a white Ray Charles who can see. You know, that herky-jerky dance Ray Ray do- well, Casey's doing it, too. Not bad, Casey.
• STOP WITH THIS BACKSTAGE CAM. So awkward.
• Big Mike just got Usher to make googly eyes at America. Thanks Mike. I'm going to have nightmares of wasabi peas giving me the death stare tonight.
• I'm not a fan of India.Arie generally, but this song fits Mike well. It helps him strip away the cheese.
• Did you see that middle-aged dude do the Swaybot? Oh, he'll never live that down at the office tomorrow.
• Whenever they show Mike's family, do you wonder who's babysitting? Isn't it kinda earl-eye to be leaving baby at home with a stranger?
• Didi did not impress Usher. You can tell. And Didi cries again! Usher just did a one-armed hug. Ooh, I feel like that's a major diss. Didi diddid get dissdissed.
• I would have done a really sleek coif on Didi. Not that wavy thing. I really think that's what did her in. Well, that and the terrible singing.
• Tim is having fun! Yay! FUN! Let's say fun again, Tim. You have 30 million, I mean, fewer watchers than Dancing With the Stars. But as long as YOU'RE having fun. Not us.
• Oh! Tim's pretending to be straight! That's so fun!
• If you listened to Usher's comments carefully -- he never actually praises Tim. Nice.
• It's funny that Tim pretends to be straight while wearing that drag queen wig. FUN!
• You know what else is funny? That the judges thought Tim should have been anywhere near the finals. I think Simon was sticking a hot poker into his right eye in that shot. Even Tim's friends can't fake it.
• Tim is just wasting time.
• Andrew . . . OMG! Ryan just touched Ellen's boob! I, I, I don't even know what that means.
• "I feel like this moment was very important for him." -- Usher describing Andrew meeting Usher.
• He's reaching back into his Straight Up playbook -- and you know, it actually kinda works for this song. I'm always a big fan of violins. And songs with phrasing that vocally limited gherkins like Andrew can speak-sing. Ethnic Gokey is back! I don't know if that's a good thing.
• Slezak put it best I think: the Ford commercials with Krissy Poo are the best part of this show.
• Katie chose to sing a song sung waaaaayyyyy too much on this show. You know how nice it was to have Casey sing a new song? And Andrew? Well, leave it to Katie to destroy that. Much like how she and all the other "singers" are destroying my love for AI. (Save me Bowsersock! Help me DD! Whisper sweet nuttin's Lee Dewickywoo!)
• Ugh, Katie is somehow making Chain of Fools into the whitest song ever. So, well, I guess that's a talent.
• BO BICE SIGHTING!!! Bo knows Moe's.
• Lee. Oh, LeeLee Dewyzieski. Looks like a young Helen Hunt. Lee just made Usher smile. USHER JUST SAID WOW. I told you he's awesome.
• "Treat Her Like a Lady." I think Lee thinks too much about the song while he sings it. If he can break that -- break through, I think he can beat Bowserboobs for the win. I'm dead serious.
• And now Simon is noting that there's some pain -- "something happened" -- with Lee. But that tonight, Lee might have won the competition tonight. I love Simon's comment. He just got Lee a whole crapton of new votes. What did I tell you? Great minds, people, great minds. Even if I have better fashion sense than Simon.
• I want to be that guitar pick.
• Crystal is wearing stileh-ohs. Hott. Awwwww.... she's sitting down. Boo.
• Usher is blown away. I kinda like Usher as a mentor. Even if he's phoning it in.
• Ooh, now he's standing. She does not look comfy in heels.
• Randy just name-dropped Gladys Knight.
• Crystal has to stop talking back to Simon. Simon loves herr. She's got to use that.
• NO. NO. NO.
• Aaron is doing "Ain't No Sunshine." This is a Kris Allen signature song. And this is Lee's audition song. Aaron is not allowed to desecrate it. And he is. BLECH.
• First, objectively, he's sharp. He can't find the pitch.
• Second, he's got a teardrop haircut.
• This is el terriblay.
• Just feels disingenuous.
• I need to go watch Kris's perf last year to make me feel better.
• Tepid response.

Best: Lee. Mike.
Okay: Casey. Crystal. Andrew.
Worst: Aaron. Siobhan(!). Katie. Tim.
Bottom three: Katie, Tim, and . . . Aaron.
Going home: Katie.

Some More Dukeness.

Because I'm just absolutely Duke-d out right now, I'm gonna keep the good blog posts going:

-First, let me show you a good example of Scheyer Face.

-Second, inappropriate crushes on Scheyer aside, what the eff is he wearing on his left knee?

-Third, here's kind of a cool article about why the typical Duke-hate isn't really warranted this year. And here's another. I think this picture kinda sums up what they're getting at.

-Fourth, if you don't believe that at the end of the day, these players are just kids, take a gander at Andre Dawkins, who basically looks like the cutest 2 year old puppy. And as if that weren't enough, dude's still got braces. HUGGY BEARZ!

-Fifth, for good measure of ghosts of Duke past: JJ has a rap album. ROFLCOPTER.

Oh, and congrats Jordan Davidson, for somehow never graduating long enough to make a Final Four. I salute you.

FINAL FOUR BABY!!!

So this is what it's like to cheer for a college team! With all due respeck to my ugrad, whose women's hockey and men's squash are, indeed, dominant, I've never gotten a chance to just be stoopid for college sports. But oh baby! Leave it to my law school to get me to scarf down beer, blue margaritas, rice krispie treats, and brownies while simultaneously loving Scheyer Face beyond appropriate boundaries of reason and civility. Woot!

The best quote that I've found that sums up Duke's Elite Eight (heartstopping) victory against an unbelievable Baylor team--as well as it's potential hope for the Final Four--was in a little blog post on ESPN:

Singler was 0-for-10 from the field. And Duke won. Think about that.

Manners.

I got my herr did this morning, and I overheard this exchange during the warshing phase:

Diego: It's good to see you!

Customer: Always!

Snuh? Is that a type of genteel small talk that I'm unaware of? Polite people are weird.

My Best Friend Is an Ad Exec. I Hope He Didn't Do This One.

One of the ads on yahoo.com is for Scoop Away kitty litter.  It features the adventures of Clumpy and Crumbly.

 

Clumpy and Crumbly.

 

Yes.

 

They are personified, um, doodies.

 

Really, Scoop Away?  Really?

AI9: The Top 11 Learn from Miley Cyrus. I Wish That Were Ironic.

So, yeah, this week was supposed to be Teen Idol week, but is Billboard No. 1's again. Again. Because the producers suck and can't think of anything new to do. Sigh. In that same spirit, I'm going to non-live live blog this episode.

Does anyone think that Miley sounds like a dude. Or a pompous arse. I can't wait until the Bowersox chomps her head off for being a horrible person.

1. Lee Dewyze - "The Letter." SCAT! The good kind, not the goopy kind. I remember thinking that Lee might have a problem with a voice that's not very versatile, but he's probably sung the most variety of songs. Owl City? This one? Nickelback-y stuff that every expects? It's cool, and surprising. It's actually kind of a throwback to the Kelly Clarkson / Clay Aiken days when the voice mattered more than the artist. It's refreshing.

2. Paige Miles - "Against All Odds." Ugh. It's one of those songs that AI just needs to retire. I can't believe I'm about to write this, but Miley Cyrus totally right. Paige can't sing in tune. Remember Lee's first week? Multiply that by crap taken to the dying cat power.

3. Tim Urban - "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." Miley totally wanted to hug Timmy because she's in love with hard bodies. Just google her past and current boyfriends. Anyway, Tim decides to wear Melanie Griffith's blazer from Working Girl. I think in his head he thinks he did awesome. And now Randy is going to cut him down. Randy, cut Tim's hair instead.

4. Aaron Kelly - "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing." Aaron has tonsilitis. And now Ryan thinks he's going to catch it. Because he made out with him? This is the only "mentoring" that is puppy-cute. Not creepy. Except that he's singing one of the worst songs ever. I think the starry backdrop isn't good for someone battling acne. Also, that thing where singers move their mouth away from the mike when they hit emphasized notes? He's doing it, but there's no point. This country thing is just awful. Except people are cheering for it. Ugh, am I just out of touch with this show?

5. Crystal Bowersox - "Me and Bobby McGee." One more notch. Bowser reminds me of Elise on that episode of Family Ties where she sings a folk song. Except better. That was pretty awesome. Joplin on AI? Dude. Whodathunkit. Crystal's only gimmick is a carpet -- and it's been warmed up. Wow. Totally trying to keep my mind out of the gutter. Not working.

6. Michael Lynche - "When a Man Loves a Woman." Editor's sidenote: Remember how Mariah Carey totally impressed as a mentor? I'm going to say it, Miley is kinda not terrible at this mentoring thing. She's straightforward with that deep dragalicious voice. If only she weren't the devil. So Big Mike has decided to swan dive headlong into a vat of cheese. He's just so over the top. Mike dresses as The Continental and wants to be taken seriously. Look, he has a play-zent enough voix, but it's just not very modern. It's like an early 90's End of the Road, without the heft (well, vocal heft).

7. Andrew Garcia - "I Heard It On the Grapevine." Andrew reminds me of a potato with toothpicks sticking out. I actually don't mind the tone of his voice. It's immature, but there's something promising. Like that last superfine sandpaper you use to buff things.

8. Katie Stevens - "Big Girls Don't Cry." Katie is such a soulless robot. Confession: I kinda love this song. Just not Katie's rendition. It's basically a copycat of the original, and well, Fergie is an awful singer. Mileyferatu said it right: Make it your own. Trim two eyebrows and call me in the morning Katie.

9. Casey James - "The Power of Love." "I'm a Big Fan of Your.......... Father's." SWEET. Way to drain the power of Miley Mouse. You know what's awesome? That CJ is singing a Michael J. Fox movie song, and I've already reffed Family Ties in this blog! I'm such a child of the 80's (even though I was born in '79 - Cambodia! Girl Who Spelled Freedom!).

10. Didi Benami - "You're No Good." Does anyone else really like angry Didi? She sounds waaaay bettah than Sweet Didi.

11. Siobhan Magnus - "Superstition." Look. At. Those. Jeans. THOSE FRIGGIN' AWESOME STONEWASHED JEANS!!! AND SHE JUST WHIPPED OUT THE "WICKED COOL"!!!! MASSACHUSETTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm done. What is she . . . what is going on with her ... hair. Last season was the year of Adam... this is Eve. My Grawd, she's fascinating in all her dorkitude. I'm speechless. In a good way. Totally good way. She's even standing like a dork.

No one was all that outstanding this week. Sigh, and it's starting to be the same ol' same ol'.

Decent: Crystal, Siobhan. Again.

Safe: Casey, Didi, Mike, Lee, Katie. Again.

Bottom: Tim, Paige, Aaron, Andrew. Again.

Send Paige home. She's terrible.

Planning Is Important.

So, you know Major League Baseball (BOSTON!!!).  When they were coming up with a team name for Arizona back in 1998 and settled on Diamondbacks, that probably made some sense, what with the desert and all.  But, like, someone -- anyone -- should have pointed out the naked emperor that is its nickname: the D-Backs.

 

I had the TV on in the background a couple days ago, and heard talk of all these "d-bags" this and "d-bags" that.  But, it wasn't The Jersey Shore or The Real World or The Celebrity Apprentice or anything like that.  It was SportsCenter.

AI9: Is American Idol Using Auto-Tune on the iTunes Live Performance Downloads?

Last night, one of my favorites, Lee Dewyze finally sang in tune... and it's only the fourth week.  He sang Beast of Burden, and although everyone wanted him to rock, he kept it blue-eyed cool, which I actually preferred.  So I headed over the iTunes ready to download it, but it wasn't up yet.  So I perused his past perfs, which I never bothered to check before because why would I want to download an out-of-tune performance?  Except... none of them were out of tune.

 

Weird.

 

So I googled -- and it's possible that, yes auto-tuning is occuring, but--SCANDALLLLLE!!!--not everyone is getting the auto-tune treatment.  I get the auto-tuning of the live perfs, but if they are going to do that, they should do that for everyone.

 

I think this should be a bigger deal than it is -- some major blog or entertainment reporter needs to follow up on this.  Cantiello!  Slezak!  MJ!  Follow-up on Rickey's report!

AI9: The Top 12 Sing The Rolling Stones.

Because my previous post about the Top 12 is so awesome, I'm going to keep this recap short. Overall, I gotta say, I was pretty pleased. Here's what was worthy of my clicking-fingiz:

MEMORABLE FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS:

Lee (I don't care what the judges say - this was AWESOME.)

Siobhan (WICKED!)

Crystal (I can't keep putting her first, can I? CAN I?)

Didi (Angsty.)

GOOD ENOUGH - LIKE THAT MIDDLE GROUP WHOSE SCORES QUALIFIED THEM FOR THE NEXT ROUND ON PROJECT RUNWAY:

Paige (Sick voice suits her.)

Mike (Spastic.)

Casey (Loved his mom.)

Andrew (Loved his silent lump of a mother.)

Aaron (Just barely.)

Tim (Had me until the closeup of his GROSS FINGERNAILS.)

PUT THEM OUT OF THEIR MISERY:

Katie (Ersatz Leann Rimes. Siobhan's gonna have to represent the northeast.)

Lacey (Just... baa aa aa aa aa d.)

AI9: THE FINAL 12!

Devoted readers, all seven of you (hi Adam!) will recall that I recently finished reading The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins (which was, yes, kick-awesome) and I can't help but believe that that fight-to-the-death last-man-standing battle royale would liven up this crop of 12.  The worst final 12 ever.  I can stand one Sanjaya or one Haley Scarnato, but 5 bundles of crap???  That's not really fair, because I really think that there have been only 3 completely mind-bogglingly bad ousters, so in reality we should only have 2 craptastic contestants in the finals.  Which is par for the course.

 

So, in pity and obligation, I give you my run-down of the worthy, and the butterworthy (I'm trying not to swear), in order from how I see things shaking out:

 

1. Crystal Bachelor-and-the-Bobby-Sox.

Why she'll win:  Singer-songwriters have it tough on AI.  They are admittedly awesome, but they have to deal with a format that requires them to fill bigger and bigger stages as they move on.  The show is mean for the Kellys and the Davids, not the introspective geeks.  But CB seems to have the presence to by more Kris Allen than Brooke White in that department.  Plus that early intervention with the Whitestrips only helps.

Why she won't: She's admitted that she's only doing AI for the money.  Somehow, selling out and "lowering" herself to this show might not play well with the heartland.  Plus, can even she pull off a genuine fake smile during group numbers for 11 more weeks?

Channels the spirit of: Jason Castro's cool, with David Cook's air of superiority.

 

2. Siobhan Magnus.

Why she'll win:  Duh, she's from Boston, and Boston's the best.  Also, she's the closest thing to a typical AI contestant - big voice, dorky personality.  Look where that got Kelly Clarkson.

Why she won't: In the time it took me to write this, she just said the word "the."

Spirit of: Katherine McPhee's ethereal voice, with Kellie Pickler's IQ.

 

3. Lee Blue-eyeze.

Why he'll win:  He's earnest.  He has a radio-ready voice.  He has a secret dark past that producers don't want you to learn about.  He thinks outside the box regarding song choices (see Owl City).  And he's purty.  At least I think so.

Why he won't: Dude can't sing in key.  Kinda, you know, required for a singing comp.

Spirit of: Kris Allen's laid-back adorableness, with Amanda Overmyer's lack of pitch.

 

4. Didididididi Benamimimimimimi.

Why she'll win: She's a less threatening (read: more conventionally pretty) version of Lilly Scott.

Why she won't: Did I say less threatening?  I meant less... good.

Spirit of: Brooke White, minus the 'tude.

 

5. Andrew Garcia.

Why he'll win: Did you hear Straight Up?  I mean, did you hear it?  We all know he's capable of surprising us and knocking homers out-da-park.

Why he won't: He reminds me of Danny Gokey.  Also, remember Sundance Head and Chris Sligh?  Me neither.  (Well, I do, but that's because I'm an AI nerd.)

Spirit of: Kris Allen's pension for remixing (and, according to Kara, Adam Lambert, snuh???), Scott Savol's on-air "personality".

 

6. Michael Lynche

Why he'll win:  This.  Woman's.  Work.  I've been watching too much RuPaul's Drag Race because I just typed that thinking "You betta werrrrk."  But seriously, song selection is important, and Big Mike showed that he has impeccable taste.  Also, how much would it suck to send him home after he missed the birth of his child?

Why he won't: How much would it rule to send him home after he missed the birth of his child?

Spirit of: Ruben Studdard, sans the talent.

 

7. Casey James

Why he'll win: Despite Kara's fawning, CJ isn't half-bad.  He's like Keith Urban, only uglier.  I'm saying that's a compliment.  Because I don't think that he'll get by on his looks, nor does he need to.

Why he won't: Kara likes him.  Everyone hates Kara.  Transitive property yadda yadda.

Spirit of: Ace Young's "looks."  Michael Johns's "looks."  Constantine Maroulis's "looks."  Chris Richardson's "looks".  All of their voices.

 

8. Lacey Brown

Why she'll win: She reminds me of a chinchilla.  Maybe a hedge-hog.

Why she won't: That goes for her voice, too.

Spirit of: Megan Joy's flotsam, Amy Adams's hair, Nikki McKibbin's ungodly ability to advance, Vanessa Olivarez's star power.  Jon-Peter Lewis's aw-shucks likeability.

 

9. Tim Urban

Why he'll win: Have you seen him shirtless?

Why he won't: Have you heard him sing?

Spirit of: Sanjaya's notoriety, with Haley Scarnato's attractiveness equivalent for boys.  Both of their voices.

 

10. Paige Miles.

Why she'll win: She's got the blessing of Simon, and that's not an insignificant thing.  As much as Randy and Kara (and Paula, still, I'm sure) think they matter, they don't.  And during Paige's invite interview, Simon off-the-cuff said she was good.  Il Divo aside, that means something.

Why she won't: Simon also said that about Carmen Rasmussen.  (And, to be fair, Il Divo.)

Spirit of: Lil Rounds's unfulfilled promise of a good voice.

 

The requisite crappy people: What's his name and what's her face.  Combined age: 26.  Combined talent: Todrick Hall.  ZING!  The worst of Kevin Covais, Ramiele Malubay, and John Stevens, all rolled into one, well, two, totally not-read-for-prime-time contestants.  Sorry, Aaron and Katie, give it a few years.

Cleaning Up House, Part Trois: LOST.

Sophie, whoever she is, is a Mash-Up Master.



And...



And this is coming from someone who HATES Miley "Making Asian Stereotype Jokes and Not Apologizing for them Because Who Am I Really Offending?" Cyrus. So, good on ya Sophie.

From Vulture.

Cleaning Up House, Part Deux: The Price.

The Price is Right kept me company many a sickday during the 11 o'clock hour when most channels decided that soaps were where it's at. Jokes on them now, right?!?!? Try the veal.

First, some fainting:



Second, worst bid ever:



And third, the type of run everyone dreams about:

Cleaning Up House, Part Un.

I'm a busy boy. What? No really. I can't blog everything that passes my desk that I think it blogworthy. But it really doesn't matter, because everything I think is blogworthy is something that I've found on someone else's blog. Anyhoo, I have a bunch of stuff bookmarked... so I need to clear it out. Here's a bunch of stuff that at some point or another I thought was cool.

From Best Week Ever, the coolest homage (do you pronounce that word "ah-midge" or "oh-mahj"?) to one of the finest television shows of all time. Lar-Y!!!!:



Sure, Michelle Williams is adorez:

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

But she's no Yakko:



WOOT!!!

Get The Eff Out.

Oh, America. What did you do? What did you DO? You kicked off Lily, Alex, and Katelyn? It's hard to believe that this is the same America that had the taste to put Kradam in the finals. Oy. Worst. Season. Ever.

The only thing that's saving the night is that I just made the connection that the last name of Amy on Project Runway is Sarabi... which is Simba's mom in the Lion King! I know so much useless trivia.

AI9: The Top 8 Guys, or How I'm Totally Unenthused.

So... this is the last. The last round before we finally get to the Top 12. When we finally think that the singers might be good. Oh, if only. When... we finally think that Kara will say something smart? BWAHAHAHAHA. Wow. This really is teh season of teh suck hard. Just give Crystal Bobby-sox the dumpy trophy that Kris got last year, some more teeth whiteners, and pictures of Tim Urban to keep her warm at night.

Well, here we go:

1. Leeeeee Dewyze. He's singing that stupid Firefly song. This is so odd, with his growl. He sings sharp. But that blue shirt does make his eyes pop. So dreamy. Did he sing a song? I can't remember. All I want to know is what dark past he's hiding. Snuh?!?! Where am I?

2. Alex Lambert. It is SO odd that his name is Lambert. Oh!!!! He's singing that song where the dog can't sleep because he's worried about his bone! PUPPIEEEEEEEZZZZ!!!! This is really good, though. And Alex is starting to grow on me. He's got the tone -- he's got the innocence -- he's almost got it. And he has dimples! He just needs to smile more!

3. Tim Urban. Take off your shirt. Take. Off. Your. Shirt. Shirt. Off. Off. So the guy who isn't the guy from the Apprentice (back when that show actually had normal people on it) is trying to pull a Jason Castro. It's pleasant enough, but this song, this Jeff Buckley song is one of the most wrenching out there. And he just doesn't have the depth to pull it off. Though, if he sang it shirtless, maybe. Ellen just gave him a hug. ROFLCOPTER. No one is immune to the shirtless wonder. Thing is, with all the notoriety of how bad he is... this might be enough to get him through to the finals.

4. Andrew Garcia. The once and future frontrunner. Now he's doing Genie in a Bottle, one of the best songs of all time. (I'm totally serious.) He's doing the same thing he always does --- takes a pop song and acoustifies it. It's just not... surprising anymore. I want him to come out and just sing a song as is. Like a bagel with nothing on it, and not toasted. This was more successful than his recent efforts, though, so good on him.

5. Casey James. Have you notice that when it sings, it tremors its head in front of the microphone. There it goes. There it goes again. It's like he has a mild muscular disorder that keeps him from keeping his head in one place. KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON! That's me being happy for him -- this was good. I give Casey a lot of crap for being ugly, but I've got to say, he's been consistently good with his acoustic-country vibe. Dare I say I like him? What'll you give me?

6. Aaron Kelly. And we're back. The the guys sucking. SO CLOSE. We had, like, 5 decent perfs, and that includes the biggest stumbling block of Tim Hotguy. But oh, this is just Lonestar minus the tone, pitch, emotion, and clear skin. That was not good at all.

7. Todrick Hall. WHOA. He's going to try and pull off a GLEE song??? With Adam Lambert lighting? And Adam Lambert squealing? Dude. I thought there was nothing worse than doing a Kelly Clarkson song on AI. I was wrong. He's doing a GLEE song. The only thing -- the only thing I like about that show -- he's doing it. Jebus. If your name isn't Adam, you can't pull off Queen (even I thought that Krissy-Poo kinda didn't fit in last year -- shock! gasp! w/e, I love Krissssss). His voice is pleasant, but it doesn't have the edge needed.

8. Michael Lynche. YIKES!!! He's singing Kate Bush!!!!!!! WOW. Okay, I might not like the guys this season, but they chose some amazing songs tonight. Kate Bush? Queen's Somebody to Love? Hallelujah? The Firefly song? The worrying puppy song? Genie in a Bottle? And now he's singing a glory note. I love this song so much. And he rocked it out. WOW. I have to give him kudos for that. That was a risk. And it paid off. I can't believe he just pulled it off.

BEST: Big Mike. By a lot. No one else is worth putting in this category.

WORST: Aaron. Tim. Todrick.

Going home: Aaron ... Todrick. Tim is going to skirt through on the strength of Ellen's hug -- the hug that transcended sexuality itself.

AI9: The Top 8 Girls, Or How We're So Close To The Finals, Where People Are Good? Yeah. Right.

First week, I was 2 for 4 for my predictions. Last week, I was 4 for 4 (even I was kinda surprised at how I did). How will this week go?

1. Katie Stevens. Again, why would you ever sing a Kelly Clarkson song? You're just asking to be compared unfavorably to one of the best Idols ever. Plus, you know, she is more off-pitch than an old fart throwing out the first ball in the World Series. That. Was. Horrible.

2. Siobhan Magnus. I pronounce her name as Sy-o-ban. Magneto is pulling out an oldie -- with an a capella opening! Dope is right, Randy! Ugh, I just agreed with Randy. I have to admit, chillz, from the slow-talker. I'm a fan. That was really, really good. The nicest thing I can say is that I actually want to hear what the judges have to say. Except Simon is wrong. I just agreed with Randy over Simon. I'm getting sick.

3. Lacey Brown. She's totally singing on borrowed time. If you can call it singing. But, you know, this song fits her voice really well -- and the warble warble of her vibrato actually kinda works her. That was cute. Not great -- but cute. She's been sucking hard -- I don't know if this was enough to overcome her slow start.

4. Katelyn Epperly. I hate this song. I also am hating her hair. She's got this amazing Felicity type bob of curls, and she seems like she's Drew Barrymore-ing it every performance. I do like the little hitch in her voice though. But, yeah, I hate this song, and it totally does not work for her.

SB: I like these Kris Allen commercials - but it does remind me that (a) he needs his second single to be released and (b) his tour is shaping up -- and it's all crap! Nothing in the DC area!

5. Didi Benami. Wow. We really have no big voiced divas this season. There are a bunch of soulful folk singers though -- Didi, Lily, Crystal. Lacey and Katelyn to some extent. It sort of makes me fall asleep.

6. Paige Miles. Probably the closest this season has to a power singer. Yikes, she's singing this song like she's ready to cut herself. It's all over the place -- she's singing like Jessica Simpson looking for a clue. Never quite there, although the effort is there. Sort of. Oh, I can't take it. And the last note just nailed her coffin shut.

7. Bowersox!!! Ooh, she's doing Tracy Chapman. I never thought about it before -- but this is absotively perfect for her. Every time she sings during this dreadful season (yes, I just pulled a Simon and said dreadful), it's like taking Whitestrips to Crystal's teeth. Just clears it all up. SO GOOD! That last little run was like so awesomely melisma, without being melismatic. I would love to see her sing Fast Car. She even has the name of someone who's a star!

8. Lily Scott. Doing Patsy Cline. REALLY? Jebus, we really are in American Idol: A Mighty Wind. I mean, I like it and all, but it's weird -- I just don't know how the contestants are going to be able to adapt to all the different styles of the finals.

BEST: Bowersox. Siobhan. (I feel like this is going to be a recurring thing.)

WORST: Paige. Katie.

GOING HOME: Paige . . . and um . . . it's either Katie or Lacey. Let's go with Paige and Katie. I think that Lacey is going to overstay her welcome for a few weeks in the finals.

Even Though I Read For A Living, I Like Reading For Pleasure. Sue Me.

I haven't done book reviews in a while. Here's a bunch I recently finished:

The Road. Cormac McCarthy.
I always liked Cormac McCarthy's name. Cormac. Imagine growing up with that doozy of a moniker! I've also read his book All the Pretty Horses, which is solid. Anyhoo, The Road is about a post-apocalyptic world blah blah snore. We've seen that all elsewhere. What makes the book amazing though is the writing itself. Now hold up, it's not often when the structure of the prose itself is something that makes me stop and think. I always thought that was a just a dumb doohicky nubbin-type superfluousness that middle school English teachers assigned to make you think you think they were smart (because, really, what do you do, with a B.A. in English? <---NAME THE REFERENCE!!!!). But The Road is crunchy and helps to paint a picture that would be woefully inadequate via descriptions alone. To wit, here's one of my favorite lines: "The blackness he woke to on those nights was sightless and impenetrable. A blackness to hurt your ears with listening." In this case, it's all about the how, not the what, of the story. Totes recommended.

Slaughterhouse-Five. Kurt Vonnegut.
I would love to have read this as part of a class -- maybe like 11th grade, when I felt like it was okay to care about school, and not 9th grade where I still acted aloof because I didn't want to be tagged as an even bigger nerd than I already was. I like S-5; there was symbolism with every line written, but not in a purple, bloated way. Reading it casually is tough, because I'm often too tired to think about what I'm reading (preferring Sparknotes lite, i.e., wikipedia summaries). But I think I caught most of it, and it's kind of a cool coincidence that I read it right when I listened to a RadioLab podcast about a theory of the universe as a multiverse. They go hand in hand. It's far too nerdy to get into here, so I won't. Mostly because I'm lazy. Remember, I embrace my nerdiness now, so that's not it.

The Hunger Games. Suzanne Collins.
AMAZING! It's surprising, I know, that I hate Twilight. And it's not just because I'm a sci-fi geek and think that sparkly vampires are stoopid. I tried reading the first book and just hated myself more and more with each passing page until I had to just put the durn pile of poop down. It sits, unfinished, on my shelf, as a symbol of me growing up -- right next to a rubber duckie. But then I read about THG in EW as another YA brouhaha. It's about a post-apocalyptic dystopia in which teens are thrown into a battle royale extravaganza. And it's awesome. So I've regressed back to being 14 years old. But at least stuff happens in this book. There's actual action, and the confusion of being a teen is rendered far more palpably here than in some Twilight "book" where a chick's pining for a dude who might kill her. Although, come to think of it, this book has that, too, only it doesn't seem like a sales trap intended to get tween gyrlz to shell out their money. My only prob? That book 2 is NOT on Kindle yet, and that book 3, the conclusion, isn't being published until this August. What am I supposed to do? Read more Vonnegut or sumthin' smrtypants like that?

The Girl With the Dragan Tattoo. Stieg Larsson.
I'm just going to put this out there and see what happens: This book was terrible. Remember how when Harry Potter really hit the zeitgeist, the third book had already been published? And then when the Goblet of Fire was ready to print -- it ended up being twice as long as any of the previous volumes? It needed editing. As good as a writer as J.K. is, her celebrity allowed her to override any major edits, and you could see it. The book rambled a bit. The thing was -- that's what audiences wanted. By that point, J.K. had absolutely earned our trust and so thoroughly and convincingly created this alterna-world where Harry, Hermy-One-Kenobi, and Ginger Lad ruled, that we just wanted more of that world.

TGWTDT is basically a rambling fourth book in a series, except that it's the first book of the actual series. It presents a mystery set in Sweden against a backdrop of corporate corruption and dark family secrets. Sounds saucy, right? Except that the plotlines don't really have anything to do with each other, and they don't add up to anything profound either. Bookending the central mystery (which isn't really set-up or solved until at least 300 pages in -- I'm not kidding) is a vendetta that we learn about only in the context of a trial verdict. In other words, there is nothing that makes us care about that, but we keep plugging along reading about how the protagonist goes to the market -- and doesn't learn anything about the mystery. Over and over.

This book is one of those great publishing stories of an author who posthumously gets published and garners wide acclaim and sales. Too bad the book sucks. This was a HUGE disappointment.

Oscars 2010: My Super Awesome Take.

Here's how I viewed the Oscars last night, in my own, completely inappropriate and out-of-right-field sort of way.

 

AWESOMENESS.

 

• NPH - I mean, why the F not?
• Sandra Bullock's dress - After an awards season of less than stellar gowns, SB knocked it out.
• Sandra Bullock's speech - And whether she actually deserved the award this year or not, her speech was gracious, funny, touching, sarcastic, and not too long.
• Colin Farrell... twice!  First, he's in the clip for Best Song singing "The Weary Kind."  Second, he's presenting to Jeremy Renner (and awkwardly, not to his co-star Jeff Bridges - wtf?) and talking about spooning in Mexico.  Switch out Jeremy for Zacquisha, and this would be at the top of the Awesome List.
• Queen Latifah making big girls look good.  As much as I hate Queen Latifah for terrible acting and dynamic-less "singing," she looked scrumptious last night.

SUCKY THINGS.

 

• They drag first-time nominee (!), living legend, and 80-year old Christopher Plummer to the Oscars for a 3.5 hour show -- where he knows he's going to lose.  And then they present his award first.  I love Christoph Waltz, but that's just cruel.
• When Babs said, "Well the time has come," before announcing the Best Director winner.  That wasn't cool.  It left Lee Daniels hanging on by his fingernails to slim hope, even though everyone knew it was K. Big's. 
• Small redemption: that K. Bigs decided to honor the troops instead of honoring female directors.  Nice save.
• Up in the Air, the best film of last year, takes nothing, losing in the biggest upset of the night in Adapted Screenplay to Precious.
• And therefore I lost my office pool by one point.
• The utter predictability of most of the categories.  What's the point anymore, if the pre-cursor awards give everything away?  All I can do is snark about the celebrities.  That gets tiresome.

AND RANDOM-OCITY.

 

• Judd Nelson looks wrecked.
• Ferris Bueller has not aged.
• Alec Baldwin has . . . but in a good way.
• George Clooney has . . . but in a bad way.
• Macauley Culken apparently visits the same radiation chamber that Brian Williams does to melt his face.  Is that a thing?
• Is Jaws a horror movie?
• Is Silence of the Lambs?  Because the Oscars gave a shout-out to The Exorcist as the last horror movie to be honored.
• Did anyone else secretly (or openly) want Zacquisha and Stretch Armstrong to present together?
• I desperately hope that Gabby Sidibe has a decent career and not flame out like Catalina Sandina Moreno or Keisha Castle-Hughes.
• Whatever metal plate Charlize Theron has in her neck that pushes her head forward like a Walking Bangle (<--get it?) has apparently infected Jake Gyllenhaal.
• May I please remind Penelope Cruz -- stop speaking English.  You are only good when speaking Spanish.  Ever.

I Refuse To Join Twitter, Even Though I Follow People On It And This Post Is Fewer Than 140 Characters Long.

I kind of want a curling rock.  No particular reason.  They just seem cool.

I Can't Be The Only One.

This weekend, Tim Burton's 87 billionth reimagining-nessness will be applied to Alice in Wonderland, which stars Johnny Depp as Carrot Top, sans freakishly toned muscles.  It also stars a newcomer named Mia Wasikowska.  But everytime I see promos for the movie, I keep thinking that it's starring Mike Wazowski.  We are in Burton-ville after all, so it's not that far of a stretch.

AI9: The Top 10 Girls, or How Bowersox Is BACK!

1. Crystal Bowersox. She's first! She has a twin named "Carl" who she called a square. Yes, if your name is "Carl" you are a square. Oooh... Crystal just dissed Simon. Love it! She's sassy. Oh, she's so good. Dude. For realzies. Whatever sickness she had is like when Phoebe caught a cold and just sounded sexier. This sounds professional. This is amazing. Whoa -- the judges did a 180. I'm sorry. Just give her the crown. She's so natural and unironic.

2. Haeley Vaughn. Lispy the lisper. She's singing Miley. This actually isn't that bad. I mean, it's bad -- but not bad. It's basically like Miley -- passable, with no emotion and no connection. Wait, now she' going flat. Is she also all leg? I take it all back -- she can't sing.

3. Lacey Brown. Adorable Lacey. She's like the Snuggle Bear minus the creepy Chucky vibe. She's singing Sixpence None the Richer. And this is kinda cool. She needs to emote more, and show more range. Her shoulder pads are distracting.

4. Katie Stevens. The favorite of the producers. She has some pronounced eyebrows. What's the big deal with her? Her interview package is a little awesome. She's coming across as a sweet 17-year old. Nice. Oh, and Ryan just did a disingenuous chuckle. Side note, I miss Paula and her wacky dancing to the most undanceable songs. I have a feeling that if she were here, she'd be headbangin' to K'Steve. She's not bad, but I don't know that she excelled tonight.

5. DD Konami. Normally I'd write her off, but there's something going on with her. I like her. But I don't think it's going to be one we'll talk about tomorrow.

6. Michelle Delamar. Seriously, a poor man's Jordin.

7. Lilly Scott. Sorry Kara, this is not a "Moment." Do your homework.

8. Katelyn Epperly. Oooh good song. The Scientist. This is .... really good. WHAT IS GOING ON? THE GOILZ ARE TOTES BREAKIN' IT DOWN TONIGHT! Okay -- it's a little lounge singerish, but this is still good.

9. Paige Miles. What is Simon picking at? Dry skin on his ankle? Why would you ever sing a Kelly Clarkson song on AI? Still, Paige is working it out.

10. Boston Girl Who Talks Like She's Thinking Really Hard. Yes. Siobhan!

Best: Crystelline Bowser-sox, Siobhan, Katelyn.

Worst: Michelle, Haeley.

Going Home: Michelle, Haeley.

[EDIT: If you read my first version of this post... um... yeah. Sorry! But I hope you had fun anyhoo.]

AI9: The Top 10 Guys, Or How Bowersox Got Sick.

Hi, Ryan Seacrest! So Bowersox got illz, and now the boyz are going to go first. Uh oh, Comcast didn't get the memo. My DVR tells me that it's still the goilz. So I'm live-blogging this, but not -- meaning that I'm not watching the live airing, but I'm blogging live. What? So confused. DVR is a wonderful thing. First impression... did Randy and Ellen switch places? Down is UP!

1. Big Mike. Do you think that Big Mike likes being called Big Mike? Does it put pressure on him to stay big? Oh BM, he's a regular old Troy circa HSM. He wants to be both a jock and a sensitive artiste. But still... he wasn't there for the birth of his first kid. Now he's singing about this being a man's world. This fits his voice pretty well, actually. I'm too tired to listen to the judges. But I will say this -- Randy's blue cardy is blending too much into the background.

2. John Park. Oh, he's singing a song by that star-whore John Mayer! This is the second ballad in a row that he's sung -- he's going for the ultimate cheese vote I guess. Why not just go full-on Unchained Melody? So the problem I have with his voice is it's like a viola. It's pretty, but indistinct. At a JP concert, he'd be putting people to sleep.

3. Casey. You know, if he cut his hair, and got in shape, and looked like Colin Farrell, he'd actually be hot. He pronounces "TV" by emphasizing the "T". That's weird. Oh crapo, he's singing a song done waaaaayyyy too many times on AI. That was a pretty endearing intro segment, though. Can he actually sing? He's sort of talk-singing. It's like what people who can't sing do when they get on Broadway. Whoa, but now he's going all Guitah Hero on us. And we melt into the amber waves of his hair.

4. Adam Lambert. I mean, Alex Lambert. HE'S NELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nell. Like, Jodie Foster Nell. Nell. He made up his own language. WOW. Andrew Garcia and Big Mike are snuggling. You know that Ryan just wants to jump into all of that. Wait. This is actually pretty good. Alex, yes Alex--not Adam--is singing a John Legend song. And it's good. There's something, dare I say it -- Paul McCartney about him? Ok, he shouldn't have did that falsetto. But this was good. You can see that he is improving. Yeah, and the judges are recognizing it. Not too shabby. Oh, and now Kara is pulling out the pity. I hate her. And now Simon just straight up told him the truth. That was good.

Side note: I heard that Alice in Wonderland is basically just an action flick.

5. Todrick Hall. There's something about his... like, are they gheri curls? I can't tell. Nutcracker! Either way. I don't like him. He just comes off as arrogant. He just said "platform." You know, this is the big difference between someone like him and someone like Alex Lambert, who really wouldn't have been found without this show. I'm sorry. I just don't like these established performers as much as those whose lives actually change. Last week, Toddy effed with Kelly, and now he's effing with Tina. This is just too R&B schmaltzy. Like, Courtyard Marriott quality. Toddy's fist pumping is out of synch! I thought he was a dancer! Lame. Hated it.

6. Simpsons Character! Jermaine Sellers or something. Seriously, look at the proportions of his face. It's weird. "It opens you up." I. Bet. HwAH? "You just have to take it . . . ." Lulzworthy. Yikes, the fauxhawk went out in 2003, dude. I get the onesie irony, but come on. You know, he reminds me of Corey Clark, the one that Paula felt up. Er, allegedly felt up. This isn't a compliment. Shot of Lee in the background looking hot and gloomy. *Swoon*. Jermaine, that wasn't bad, but I'm not going to remember that tomorrow morning.

7. Ethnic Danny Gokey! (Andrew Garcia). It's like how Allison Iraheta is an ethnic Kelly Clarkson. Dude. Andrew is a chunky guy, but he can move. Wow. I feel bad, he reminds me of Danny, so I don't like him, but he doesn't seem like Evil Gokes at all. YEEEKS. He is all over the map with the pitch. He can't find the pitch. He's flat... like, really really flat. This was not very good. And Randy totally CALLED HIM OUT ON IT. Nice. Asian Rihanna is part of Andrew's family?!?!?!? Ellen hit it on the head -- he might be sabotaged just by the fact that he was so good during Hollywood week. It's the Sundance Head problem.

8. Aaron Kelly. Aw, littl'un pronounces "pictures" as "pitchers." PUPPIEZZZZ!!!! He's singing and dancing like he's gotta pee like a vache. That's French for cow for you heathens. I think Simon just thinks Aaron is his ticket to the Disney/Nickolodeon goldmine that awful people like Demi Lovato and Miley Cyrus live in. I hate Miley Cyrus. Did Aaron just go through puberty on that last note?

9. Tim Urban, the shirtless wonder! Tim has no upper lip like Mark Lynn-Baker. Look it up.

[EDIT: I was looking up some old posts to see my first impressions of some of these guys. Apparently I assumed/guessed that Tim was like Zac Efron but without the body. Boy how wrong I was.]

Side note: KRIS ALLEN COMMERCIAL!!!!! Love it.

10. ***Lee***. Oh, my Lee Dewyze. He's my pseudo-Kris Allen during this horrible, horrible season. He's like a huggable penguin (yes, one might even compare him to Hugsy, Joey's bedtime penguin pal). He's got the pimp spot. Doesn't he seem like the most earnest guy ever? Is that what I like about him? Hmm... also, he looks like Kris. So there's that. WOW. Back lighting much? This sounds totally current. This is good. Like, really good. Judges are glowing. "You may be the one to beat" - Simon. "But we like you" - Kara. Oh, Kara, you are so very stupid.

Best: Lee, easily. (Leesily?) Big Mike and Adam/Alex Lambert are very close behind.

Worst: Todrick, Andrew, and Aaron.

Going home: Jermaine and John. Sometimes being forgettable is worse than being bad.

Yet Another Round Up O'Vidz.

First, we got an amazing reimagining of Community as Friends. I miss Friends. That was a quality show. Back when there was hope for grown-up life being awesome.



Second, we got Weekend At Bernie's reimagined as if it were directed by Tim Burton. Which would NEVER happen. You know. Because Tim Burton NEVER reimagines, like, everything.



Third, dude. I thought my ugrad was hardcore. Seriously, they can find you even where the CIA can't. But at least they don't threaten your life.



And this is ridiculous. So it's awesome.

Openminded.

I am admittedly not a NASCAR fan.  I don't really get it as a "sport."

 

But regardless, is Danica Patrick even good?  Is there any point to following her fail week after week?