It's Lee.

Congrats, Lee! Yeah, I know, despite my bitching and moaning, I can't help but feel choked up watching someone's life literally change before their eyes. So what if Lee might reach Taylor Hicks levels of mediocrity? Taylor still made a shitton more money than you did last year. Who's laughing now?

I've always liked Lee. And I even noted him immediately after his audition in Chicago. Frankly, he's got the most commercial radio-voice -- moreso than Crystal. His concerts will probably suck, but that's okay because I never go to concerts anyway.

At the end of day, what really matters is that Kris Allen's haircut was ridiculously hot tonight. Ri. Di. Cu. Lous.

AI9: The Top 2... Which Means It's Almost Over!

Crystal. Kicked. Lee's. Ass.

Last year, you know, when American Idol was good, I didn't care who won. I know, right? Weird that I wasn't obsessing over Kris to win. (In retrospect, thank God he won. With the amount of support Adam's been getting as the runner-up, I can only imagine that Kris would have been but an afterthought had Adam won.) Ultimately, it came down to the fact that even if Adam wasn't my preference (heh, get it?), I still recognized that he was an amazing singer and an undeniable star.

Year before that, I was an Archie fan, and was definitely disappointed that Cookie won, but I got over it (and proceeded to buy just as many Cookie singles -- actually MORE Cookie singles than Archie singles). Because at the end of the day, Cookie was a bril arranger with a cool voice.

This year, I like Lee... as a person. He's huggable. But dude cannot sing in tune. Lee has the arc -- the more compelling growth curve and story. He also fits the non-threatening white boy mold that has been so successful the past couple years (seriously -- would Fantasia have had a chance this season?). But consarnit, Crystal deserves this. If a girl can win SYTYCD, then it can absolutely happen on Idol.

Please let Crystal win this. It would be one of the few redeeming things about this ridiculously bad season of AI.

AI9: The Top 3 Make Me Believe It's Almost Over.

Remember the good old days when they'd wheel out Clive Davis's desiccated body and he'd tell the pretty young things on stage to sing Whitney? I miss those days.

My favorite performance of the night was Crystal's Maybe I'm Amazed. Crystal doesn't have the most elastic voice. She's not a diva. She'll never be Kelly or Carrie. But she has the most amazing interpretive ear I'm heard on the show in quite some time, and she can translate that to her singing. It works for her. So what was great about tonight was that Ellen's song choice (yes Ellen!) got Crystal to find a middle ground that Lee's been coasting on since the beginning of the show. She let all the perfect imperfections of her limited voice come out on this huge song, and in so doing stayed true to herself and revealed a whole other side of her all at once. Amazing.

Frankly, I kinda liked Lee's Lynyrd Skynyrd song better than his Hallelujah. Here's why. Yes, I got bigger goosebumps from the latter. I recognized the song, and Lee harmonized on it something fierce. IF ONLY IT DIDN'T SEEM SO MANUFACTURED. Which is weird, right? But look. The strength of the song is the song itself. Hallelujah is a ridiculous song that makes almost anyone singing it sound good. Jason Castro legitimately sounded good on it, and Tim Urban managed to stay around a bit because of it. Of course Lee was going to sound good on it. And then he had the white light? And the back-up chorus? And the pimp spot? We get it. You want him to win, and yes, he deserves it, but no one likes having cake--no matter how good--shoved down your throats. This was an Idol Moment, sure, but a Manufactured Moment. Similar to Katherine McPhee's Over the Rainbow. Sadly, people will be talking about Lee's Hallelujah as if it were Kris's Heartless, Adam's Mad World, Carrie's Alone, Jordin's I Who Have Nothing, Fantasia's Summertime, etc.

Frankly, I don't think either Lee or Crystal had a True Moment all season.

What? There were three people who sang tonight? Oh Casey. Miserable, miserable Casey. How does it feel to be Syesha Mercado, Vonzell Solomon, and Jasmine Trias? No one cares about you at all. Not even in a "I can't Nikki McKibbin is still in this" kind of way. Go home. Vomit out that baby lamb you have stuck in your throat, defeather your hair, and cry some more tears into your pillow.

AI9: The Top 4 Prove that They Just Aren't the Same As Last Year's.

Where do I begin. Well, first, fair warning, I just went to SweetGreen to get froyo because I needed to end my night on a positive note. Reva, a few other friends, and I went to a pub quiz that was severely underwhelming. We were told ahead of time that it was for a good cause -- fine. No biggie. Then we learned (too late) that it was for heart disease. And that all of the questions would pertain to health. Seriously.

So of course, we think -- well, obviously, let me order a burger and fries and drink beer as I do this. And of course, afterwards the emcees immediately ran outside for a cigarette. And of course the questions were completely impossible to answer (e.g., Which fruit has the most anti-oxidants? That's it. Not per serving or any standard measure like that.) Boo.

So it's in that context that I review tonight's American Idol.

First, Jamie Foxx -- two years in a row as a mentor? Really? Is it because you haven't been in any good movies lately? I think so. Also, remember when you promised to do a song with Kris Allen? Yeah. Punk. Also, the t-shirt thing was stupid. Even Ryan was confused as to which one the contestants should want. They keep being told to compete, compete, compete -- but no, they shouldn't REALLY be doing that. GAH!

Second, Lee, you really chose a song that DEMANDS perfect pitch? My grawd, dude. That's not your thing. You should stick to the speak-singing that works so well.

Third, Mike, you are no MJ. And that warble you've got in your vibrato is just as annoying as Casey's lamb vibrato.

Fourth, Lee and Crystal decide to take on Kris Allen. Look, on it's own, it's actually not that bad. It was, after all, originally a duet. Still, I just hate how this entire season seems to have been a big FU to Kris.

Fifth, Casey sucks.

Sixth, what was with the mariachi band at the end, boys?

Last, look Crystal, honey, I love you. You are the most talented one here. And you are going to lose to Lee. Hey, I don't make the rules, but he is the non-threateningly cute one, so just deal. Here's the thing, I love that blues thing you do -- but if you keep doing it to obscure songs, you are never going to have A Moment on American Idol. You are just going to be good. And that's not enough to win. So, for one week -- next week -- just sell out and sing a g-damn Top 40 pop song. Blues it up all you want, but make it a friggin' song that 10 year old goilz know. Please. Because if Big Mike makes it to the finals over you, I'm so done.

Please go home Casey. (BTWs, did anyone else wonder if Mike might have chosen "Have you ever really loved a woman?" as a passive-aggressive way to ask Casey if he's gay? Just sayin'.)

Sigh. I'm going to go listen to Kris Allen now. And maybe even some Adam Lambert. Yes, that's how much I hate this season. (But don't worry, it's not like I'm going to go listen to Evil Gokey or some shiznat like that.)

AI9: The Top 5 Make My Ears Bleed.

Let me make this easy.

Casey goes home.

Aaron is also in the bottom.

They aren't going to do a bottom 3 because then it would be too obvious who the frontrunner finalists are. And at this point, it's just too obvious.

I just can't take it! As much as I bag on Evil Gokey from last season, at least he can sing in tune. We're at the top 5, and Casey and Aaron are just awful. Just -- if I heard them in an audition, I'd think they were one of the joke auditioners. And yes, Mike did okay tonight, but can you actually imagine yourself buying his album? Let along LISTENING to it?

Eff the judges. Crystal looked and sounded stunning tonight. My favorite Crystal perf of the season. And Lee is indeed a mini-Harry Connick Jr. They hugged an awful lot tonight.

Can we do an all-stars version of American Idol and not invite back anyone from this season?

I Miss Kris.

I agree, Lee will probably win. Sure, I picked him super early on, sort of like I did with Kris. And yeah, he's cuddly adorable in a Kris-like way, and I've downloaded 2 of his perfs this season (by comparison -- I dl'd 1 for Didi -- and 0 for Crystal so far), but, I don't know, he's still not growing the way Kris did. And he still can't sing in tune. Sigh.

It's times like these that make me realize just how awesome Season 8 was (and for that matter, Season 1 and Season 5, too). I'm not just talking Kris -- but Adam and Allison also. And Evil Gokey and Evil Lil made for fantastic villains. How Adam started out as one, but transformed into an interesting hero. How Matt Giraud's goiter just kept getting bigger. Seriously people, I know I talk about Kris a lot in this blog, but I implore you to watch at least one of these vids:

Here's them rehearsing:

Dude, I don't even like this Coldplay song all that much (and in general, I think I only like maybe 2 of their songs), but no one from Season 9 could pull something like this off. Maybe Crystal. Maybe.

AI9: The Top 6 Sing -- Sigh -- Shania Twain.

Yeah, I'm lowering my expectations. Not only because this season is terrible (like, Taylor Hicks terrible), but because this theme could not be dumber. Shania Twain? Canadian country? Really? This whole songbook trend for themes has got to end. As does Randy's taste in sweaters.

Don't get me wrong. I like Shania. She likes the Asians. Just, like, really? As a theme?

1. LEEEEEEEEEE. He's harmonizing! Which is weird, because he doesn't really sing in tune. AND he's doing side-mouth singing. Not as cute as Krissy Allen Poohs, but close.

2. BIG MIIIIIKE. Look, I know that Mike means well, but dude just is uncontrollably cheesy. Everything about his just screams -- velvet. As if he's supposed to be Miss Kentucky in the Miss America Pageant. Totally just not my style. Although, yes, he sings more in tune more than Lee does.

3. KC. I feel like Shania is generally a good mentor. Do you think Casey has problems when it's really humid outside? Like his hair just goes all bouffant, and not in a good way? That was actually really good, except for his vibrato. And it's awesome that Shania is sitting next to a gnome.

4. MAMASOX!!! Omg, Ryan just made a crack about Shania's white teef in front of Crystal -- who used to have poopy coloured teef. Omg, I love Crystal. She just called out her bf for not getting down on one knee already. Grawd. Loves. Oh, is there someone blowing an empty moonshine jug? Or Steve Martin? This is so country fair. I love it. I hope other people love it, too.

5. AAAAAARON. Sigh, will I be missing anything if I just ff through his perf? Oh, please, as if he would ever disagree with her. He's 17 going on 13. Also, everyone who keeps comparing him to Archie: (1) he's not as good as Archie and (2) he's not nearly as adorable as Archie. Archie also has better hair. And laughs like he's being tickled by puppies. This perf is just so karaoke. There's nothing special about it whatsoever. I feel like people are cheering for him as if he took his first step. Like Bambi. Without being as cool. Yes, he's not as cool as Bambi. That's how much I don't care for him.

6. SIOBHAN. Oh, I love this song. This is one of the best Shania songs ever. Siobhan sounds amazing -- I'll give her that. She's even made up like Shania -- hair, get-up, etc. And she does her signature scream -- replete with end glory note. That was awesome. Cheesy, but in a good way, not a Big Mike way. Cheesy in a -- Shania way. SWEET. Punk country is right. That's what Magnus should do it.

Best: Siobhan.

Close: Casey (darn that stupid vibrato).

Good: Lee, Crystal.

Terrible: Mike, Aaron.

Bottom: Mike, Aaron, Casey. Although, I could see a shocker bottom 3 where Crystal is there instead of Casey.

Going home: Mike.

AI9: The Top 7 Give Back.

I'm super busy tonight, so I'm keeping it short and sweet tonight.

First things first, does Randy ever get tired of booing Simon when Simon gets introed? Also, it seems super inappropos for Big Mike to bear hug Alicia Keys like that.

Casey - Ever since he did Huey Lewis, I can't stop hearing HuLew when Casey "sings." Also, best screenshot ever was Casey's "friends" holding guitar-shaped signs reading "Casey Rocks" but accidentally obscuring the R and the top of the o so it looks like "Casey Sucks." Truer words have never been written on guitar-shaped signs.

Lee - Lee's got some tattz. Did not know that. Jebus, forgetting Lee for a sec, this song is so ridiculously good. Back to Lee - he threw on a swanky loose tie combo (a la Kris Allen singing How Sweet It Is) AND he threw in some falsetto. I like Lee's teeth. (Als0, interestingly, Lee is playing in the Kris Allen Memorial Spot. Hah.)

Tim - Does he just never cut his hair? Or sing in tune? That was awful.

Aaron - Oh, this is even more painful. Tim, you're lucky that Aaron's still flailing in this comp. Why did people cheer for that?

Siobhan - I kinda like Alicia as a mentor. What the hell is she wearing? I thought that was cheese-tastically over-the-top AWESOME. So theater. So drama. So overblown. Loves it. I read that the judges hated it, but the judges are stupid. Just listen to me, not them, because I'm an anonymous blogger on the internet. Total credibility.

Mike - Ugh. I'm sure Mike's a nice guy and all, but his whole kumbaya shtick is particularly grating on the "inspirational songs" week. I don't think that inspiration is intentional, which is why I hate people like Mike so much. The song was okay. Meh.

Crystal - She gets pimped again! How many times has she gotten to sing last? Lucky gryl. Plus, she doesn't have the stank of Lil or Danny Gokey on her neiver. I just stopped blogging for a sec, because Crystal just made me stop. No snark here. She looks amazing. Earthy, but sophisticated. Going gospel works for her. And then she is so overcome with emotion that she starts crying. DUDE. Crystal just took Lee's Moment, ripped out its little heart, chewed it like gum, and replaced the whole damn thing with her own. Crystal has her Moment, which is really the only thing she needed to secure her spot in the finals.

But then Fox epically fails. The show gets cut off by my DVR for running long. And now I bet that Glee will also be cut off by a few minutes. Thanks for being just the worst channel ever, Fox. And yes, I realize that NBC sucks.

League of her own: Crystal.

Woulda had a moment but-for Crystal: Lee.

Good enough: Siobhan, Casey.

Bottom 3: Aaron, Mike, Tim.

Going home: Aaron.

AI9: The Top 9 Rehash Themselves. Yet Again.

I don't mind that Adam Lambert is the mentor. What I do mind is that he is the quintessential example of the producers shoving what they think is the star down our throats. And this is what I simply just do not get. This show, this crazy stoopid I-hate-to-hate-it show is TAILOR-MADE to just go with the flow to figure out what the public wants. Why force it? Why pimp your favorites? It makes no sense whatsoever. I like Adam as much as the next one (well, maybe not as much as most people), but I can't help but feel like he's always got the stank of teacher's petness about him. And he don't need that! Sigh.

Crys Bowserocks. CB does her same singer-songwriter bluesy-soul -- but she swirled it a touch. That's awesome. Because as good as she is -- if she doesn't figure out a way to change it up every single week, she's not going to win. See Melinda Doolittle, and, hell, Adam Lambert. No one denies that they were the most talented their seasons, but people, that's not what wins AI. (And I spit on those people who don't know their propuh AI history. Ever since Kelly beat Justin AND Tamyra, this show is about growth.)

Andy Garcia. Not the famous one from the Untouchables. He gets reamed by the judges, and for good reason. AG's performance reminds me -- excuse me while I dork out for a sec -- of the current advice for concerto competition musicians. Because some pieces have become so iconic -- or so associated with a certain performer (think Jacqueline Dupre and the Dvorak Cello Concerto) -- that many performers now use lesser-known or new pieces for competitions. Hound Dog, you see, is the Mozart Clarinet Concerto of Elvis songs. And AG is, sadly, simply an also-ran on some televised singing competition.

Timothe Urbane. "Showing people that I know what the words are about." Deep. TU isn't a bad singer. He's just an immature singer. Meaning that he has a limited voice and still hasn't figured out how to make the most of it. By comparison, Kris Allen (I luv him -- haven't you noticed?) doesn't have a voice that will stop cars -- but oh my grawd does he know how to make the most of it. TU's got a ways to go. All in all, though, he was surprisingly decent this week.

LLe Dwyz. "So, Lee is great." Read: "Lee reminds me of Kris Allen, and I love Kris, so I love you." LD just sounds good. And that smirk-smile he does is so cute. OMG, Kara's advice was spot on. "That was fire." Oh, Ryan, you are a douchebag.

Erin Kheli. Aaron knows that this song is wrong for him... and yet he's still singing it. This has disaster written all over it. Take a look at my critique of AG and apply it here. It's the very definition of KaraDioguarke. See what I did there? I so clever. Here's what AK should have done: a country version of Blue Suede Shoes. Whoa! Simon just gave a shout out to Tim. Snow. Hell. Etc.

Siobhan Magnum PI. SHE'S SINGING MY FAVORITE ELVIS SONG. This sounds kinda Kathie Lee Gifford on a Carnival Cruise. Ooh, except for that little gospel spin at the end. Oh, she should have done that from the beginning. The second half of that song was waaaaaaaaaay waaay waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than the first.

Mika Lyncha. I love ML in those glasses. Oh, boo. He's not wearing them for the perf.

KT Stephens. Does KS bother anyone else just by being her? Yeah. Wow, apparently a Transformer threw up on her. And some weird pleather pants monster is eating her from the feet up. Oh, KS, you are not a badass. Towards the end of the song, I actually heard KS's voice not quite make it -- there were a few points where you could hear her swallow her "big" notes.

KC Jemz. I hate Ryan. Oh noez! Casey is standing in the Pit of Sway Despair! That's where both Kris and Matt had problems connecting. I hate CJ's vibrato. But overall, I like what CJ's doing with a funky, countrifried song. It suits him, and is fun. That's it. Fun. Nothing more than that. And still not hot.

Best: Crystal (duh), Lee (duh, sort of), Mike.

Okay: Tim (snuh!?!), the second half of Siobhan, Katie (I guess), Casey.

Worst: Andrew, the first half of Siobhan, Aaron.

Going home: Andrew and Aaron.

PS. THANK YOU FOR GETTING RID OF THE BACKSTAGE CAMERA.

AI9: The Top 9 Rehash a Theme. Again.

Hey there Comcast, thanks for not recording AI for me. [Editor's note: Reva's Comcast also screwed up. Way to go, Cable.] If it weren't for Rickey and MJ, I wouldn't know what happened in the first half hour. And yet ... this season ... there was a part of me that didn't care at all. Like, so I missed ... something. Wow, I really have no attachment to anyone on this season.

So, I missed a half hour, and wouldn't you know it... only two people have sung. Are you kidding me? You really need another reason for me to hate this season?

1. Aaron. Long and Winding Road.

Aaron pretends to be David Archuleta. If Archie sang with a country twang, out-of-tune, and jebus - out. of. tune. So, you know those swaybots -- does anyone ever do that at real concerts? Snore. My mind is spacing. Even that last "glory note" was boring. Sigh. Moving on.

2. Katie. Let It Be.

Excuse me for a second. Katie, dear. Did you not just see Kris Allen sing this song brilliantly for Haiti? Ugh. I bet either Simon doesn't acknowledge that or Kara says that Adam sang it. Well... okay, now. Ms. Pageant eighty-year-old teenager is sort of doing okay. When Katie crinkles her forehead, it looks like she has a unibrow. I'll be honest: That was the first time that I saw that Katie has potential. Not to win, mind you, but at least deserving of being in the finals.

3. Andrew. Can't Buy Me Love.

Remember the movie where Patrick Dempsey essentially bought a prostitute? I basically spaced out during Andrew's uninspiring perf to think about that movie. Andrew wasn't bad, but there was nothing about it that made me want to hear more.

4. Mike. Eleanor Rigby.

Dude. Sigh. He's singing a David Cook song. Just come on. And his family used to call themselves the "Lynche Mob"? Uhm. Awk--wwaaard. Anyone else with me on that one? All this is making me think of is that I miss David v. David. Mike is making this like some weird Miami Soundmachine 80's retro thing. And I don't like it. This song should be DRAMA. Just a wall of sound. And Mike makes it all laser-y pow pow. That's not a good thing.

Do you think that they hate the backstage cam because it forces everyone to hug each other? Like, what if you don't like someone? Or if someone smells bad? Or if someone is creepily handzy?

5. Crystal. Come Together.

Okay, Crystal, you're treading on thin ice by picking a Kris Allen song. I forgive you for two reasons: Kris kinda did terrible on this one, and you're kinda one of the only songtestants I care about this season. Digiridoo!!! (sp?) I don't know, but that's AWESOME. Niice. That little curl of the words at the end of the first line was so sexy. Hey, Carly Smithson, watch and learn. That's right. Mamasox, she of the disgusting dreaded hair, can pull off sexy because she knows how to infuse a single word with layers. Kind of a rough ending, and it seemed like CB was lost a few times, but we'll chalk it up to her being Phoebe sick.

6. Tim. All My Lovin'.

His hair is consuming him. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. So... like, yeah, this is in tune. And, like, it's pleasanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Zzzz. Snuh? This is just boring. I can't believe that this dude gets a minute and a half of airtime each week.

7. Casey. Jealous Guy.

LOLZ! Synergy! Angel and Zooey have been trotted out! Bare with me a sec -- does anyone else really like Andrew and Lee in these dish-about-the-other-contestants interviews? Touche, Egghead Latin Gokey, for you are sort of likeable. (Lee, well done, as expected.) I like this stripped down performance, but it has the drawback of exposing some weakness in Casey's voice itself. Namely: his lamb-vibrato. It's like that crap that Matt Giraud tried pulling on us last season (that Evil Gokey made fun of -- that b____).

8. Siobhan. Across the Universe.

I love Siobhan's hair. There. I said it. Hmm... Siobhan's sort of playing loosey goosey with the tempo. And when it's slow... it's a touch too slow. I totally get what she was going for with this version. I don't think it was exactly successful. Oh... dramatic close-up of Siobhan with tears. I don't think that Simon was expecting such a sincere, earnest answer. You could tell he had to backtrack and play nice.

9. Lee. Hey Jude.

First impression? Lee is dressed in the same, cazh, relaxed, loosened tie on suit outfit that Kris rocked last year during this night. Not a bad playbook to crib from. Lolz, they are making fun of the bromance! A Danny Gokey reference! Clapper joke! Holy carp, Lee really is stealing from Kris. Is Lee actually smiling? And now he's side-mouth singing Kris Allen style... this is creepy. W. T. F. SHARK JUMPED. BAG-F***ING-PIPES. Well. There's something Kris didn't do. Huge crowd reac. Mama-Sox has got competition. I'm so glad that Lee just owned it with the bagpipe. Sweet.

Best: Katie (where am I? did I just put her first?), Lee (for owning the bagpipe decision 100%).

Okay: Crystal, Siobhan, Casey, Mike, Andrew.

Worst: Aaron, Tim.

Bottom three: Aaron, Tim, and Andrew.

Bottom two: Aaron and Tim.

Going home: Tim.

Yup, I think this is the end of the road for Tim. [Editor's note: Apparently the judge's liked him -- I still think he's going home.]

AI9: I Can't Pretend that This Show Is Worth It Anymore.

Really, America? You're going to send Didi home? Really? Really? Really? Not Tim the Joker? Katie the Robot? Andrew the Potato? Aaron the Turnip? Hell, even throw out Casey or Mike. Neither of them really have a legit chance at winning this thing in the long run.

And really, Judges? Who the F are you saving the Judges' Save for? And what the hell are you chitchatting about that's so important while Didi was singing?

I already fastforward (John Cho shout out!) through the judges' comments because 4 is just too many (they almost always agree -- do we really need to hear four iterations of praise or four iterations of criticism)? I just whizzed through the results show because I don't like Skinny Ruben, Usher's new single doesn't even sound like a song, Diddy's strobe lights apparently cause seizures (and his dancers ripped of Single Ladies), and the producers ran over time so the end was clipped off by about 4 minutes -- like last year's debacle that was its timing.

Blogging about it isn't even fun because I can only trash these horrible contestants so much before even I start feeling bad. Yes, ME! And I love judging others!

Just let Crystal and Lee have recording contracts. Give one to Didi, too, please, someone who knows what will actually sell in today's pop scene. And wake me up next time they have Kris Allen or Adam Lambert on to sing or, in Kris's case, make googly eyes at me through the telly.

Puke goes Season 9. Puke puke puke.

AI9: The Top 10 Usher Ushers Some Terrible Singers.

I'm going to just brain dump today, because I needs it:

• Usher's head has a funny shape to it. It's like a wasabi pea.
• Indoor sunglasses are stupid. And makes me think you're tweaking.
• Raymond v. Raymond = Usher's I Am . . . Sasha Fierce = Reason he's slumming it on AI.
• Siobhan just laid down another "wicked." Pissa!
• Siobhan, the Greek haircut, the ski boots, the bum notes. Oh, it's all atroshe. I gotta say, first major stumble for the presumptive silver medallist.
• This backstage cam is awful. Don't ever do that again.
• Casey looks like he's boring Usher.
• Casey is reminding me of a white Ray Charles who can see. You know, that herky-jerky dance Ray Ray do- well, Casey's doing it, too. Not bad, Casey.
• STOP WITH THIS BACKSTAGE CAM. So awkward.
• Big Mike just got Usher to make googly eyes at America. Thanks Mike. I'm going to have nightmares of wasabi peas giving me the death stare tonight.
• I'm not a fan of India.Arie generally, but this song fits Mike well. It helps him strip away the cheese.
• Did you see that middle-aged dude do the Swaybot? Oh, he'll never live that down at the office tomorrow.
• Whenever they show Mike's family, do you wonder who's babysitting? Isn't it kinda earl-eye to be leaving baby at home with a stranger?
• Didi did not impress Usher. You can tell. And Didi cries again! Usher just did a one-armed hug. Ooh, I feel like that's a major diss. Didi diddid get dissdissed.
• I would have done a really sleek coif on Didi. Not that wavy thing. I really think that's what did her in. Well, that and the terrible singing.
• Tim is having fun! Yay! FUN! Let's say fun again, Tim. You have 30 million, I mean, fewer watchers than Dancing With the Stars. But as long as YOU'RE having fun. Not us.
• Oh! Tim's pretending to be straight! That's so fun!
• If you listened to Usher's comments carefully -- he never actually praises Tim. Nice.
• It's funny that Tim pretends to be straight while wearing that drag queen wig. FUN!
• You know what else is funny? That the judges thought Tim should have been anywhere near the finals. I think Simon was sticking a hot poker into his right eye in that shot. Even Tim's friends can't fake it.
• Tim is just wasting time.
• Andrew . . . OMG! Ryan just touched Ellen's boob! I, I, I don't even know what that means.
• "I feel like this moment was very important for him." -- Usher describing Andrew meeting Usher.
• He's reaching back into his Straight Up playbook -- and you know, it actually kinda works for this song. I'm always a big fan of violins. And songs with phrasing that vocally limited gherkins like Andrew can speak-sing. Ethnic Gokey is back! I don't know if that's a good thing.
• Slezak put it best I think: the Ford commercials with Krissy Poo are the best part of this show.
• Katie chose to sing a song sung waaaaayyyyy too much on this show. You know how nice it was to have Casey sing a new song? And Andrew? Well, leave it to Katie to destroy that. Much like how she and all the other "singers" are destroying my love for AI. (Save me Bowsersock! Help me DD! Whisper sweet nuttin's Lee Dewickywoo!)
• Ugh, Katie is somehow making Chain of Fools into the whitest song ever. So, well, I guess that's a talent.
• BO BICE SIGHTING!!! Bo knows Moe's.
• Lee. Oh, LeeLee Dewyzieski. Looks like a young Helen Hunt. Lee just made Usher smile. USHER JUST SAID WOW. I told you he's awesome.
• "Treat Her Like a Lady." I think Lee thinks too much about the song while he sings it. If he can break that -- break through, I think he can beat Bowserboobs for the win. I'm dead serious.
• And now Simon is noting that there's some pain -- "something happened" -- with Lee. But that tonight, Lee might have won the competition tonight. I love Simon's comment. He just got Lee a whole crapton of new votes. What did I tell you? Great minds, people, great minds. Even if I have better fashion sense than Simon.
• I want to be that guitar pick.
• Crystal is wearing stileh-ohs. Hott. Awwwww.... she's sitting down. Boo.
• Usher is blown away. I kinda like Usher as a mentor. Even if he's phoning it in.
• Ooh, now he's standing. She does not look comfy in heels.
• Randy just name-dropped Gladys Knight.
• Crystal has to stop talking back to Simon. Simon loves herr. She's got to use that.
• NO. NO. NO.
• Aaron is doing "Ain't No Sunshine." This is a Kris Allen signature song. And this is Lee's audition song. Aaron is not allowed to desecrate it. And he is. BLECH.
• First, objectively, he's sharp. He can't find the pitch.
• Second, he's got a teardrop haircut.
• This is el terriblay.
• Just feels disingenuous.
• I need to go watch Kris's perf last year to make me feel better.
• Tepid response.

Best: Lee. Mike.
Okay: Casey. Crystal. Andrew.
Worst: Aaron. Siobhan(!). Katie. Tim.
Bottom three: Katie, Tim, and . . . Aaron.
Going home: Katie.

AI9: The Top 11 Learn from Miley Cyrus. I Wish That Were Ironic.

So, yeah, this week was supposed to be Teen Idol week, but is Billboard No. 1's again. Again. Because the producers suck and can't think of anything new to do. Sigh. In that same spirit, I'm going to non-live live blog this episode.

Does anyone think that Miley sounds like a dude. Or a pompous arse. I can't wait until the Bowersox chomps her head off for being a horrible person.

1. Lee Dewyze - "The Letter." SCAT! The good kind, not the goopy kind. I remember thinking that Lee might have a problem with a voice that's not very versatile, but he's probably sung the most variety of songs. Owl City? This one? Nickelback-y stuff that every expects? It's cool, and surprising. It's actually kind of a throwback to the Kelly Clarkson / Clay Aiken days when the voice mattered more than the artist. It's refreshing.

2. Paige Miles - "Against All Odds." Ugh. It's one of those songs that AI just needs to retire. I can't believe I'm about to write this, but Miley Cyrus totally right. Paige can't sing in tune. Remember Lee's first week? Multiply that by crap taken to the dying cat power.

3. Tim Urban - "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." Miley totally wanted to hug Timmy because she's in love with hard bodies. Just google her past and current boyfriends. Anyway, Tim decides to wear Melanie Griffith's blazer from Working Girl. I think in his head he thinks he did awesome. And now Randy is going to cut him down. Randy, cut Tim's hair instead.

4. Aaron Kelly - "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing." Aaron has tonsilitis. And now Ryan thinks he's going to catch it. Because he made out with him? This is the only "mentoring" that is puppy-cute. Not creepy. Except that he's singing one of the worst songs ever. I think the starry backdrop isn't good for someone battling acne. Also, that thing where singers move their mouth away from the mike when they hit emphasized notes? He's doing it, but there's no point. This country thing is just awful. Except people are cheering for it. Ugh, am I just out of touch with this show?

5. Crystal Bowersox - "Me and Bobby McGee." One more notch. Bowser reminds me of Elise on that episode of Family Ties where she sings a folk song. Except better. That was pretty awesome. Joplin on AI? Dude. Whodathunkit. Crystal's only gimmick is a carpet -- and it's been warmed up. Wow. Totally trying to keep my mind out of the gutter. Not working.

6. Michael Lynche - "When a Man Loves a Woman." Editor's sidenote: Remember how Mariah Carey totally impressed as a mentor? I'm going to say it, Miley is kinda not terrible at this mentoring thing. She's straightforward with that deep dragalicious voice. If only she weren't the devil. So Big Mike has decided to swan dive headlong into a vat of cheese. He's just so over the top. Mike dresses as The Continental and wants to be taken seriously. Look, he has a play-zent enough voix, but it's just not very modern. It's like an early 90's End of the Road, without the heft (well, vocal heft).

7. Andrew Garcia - "I Heard It On the Grapevine." Andrew reminds me of a potato with toothpicks sticking out. I actually don't mind the tone of his voice. It's immature, but there's something promising. Like that last superfine sandpaper you use to buff things.

8. Katie Stevens - "Big Girls Don't Cry." Katie is such a soulless robot. Confession: I kinda love this song. Just not Katie's rendition. It's basically a copycat of the original, and well, Fergie is an awful singer. Mileyferatu said it right: Make it your own. Trim two eyebrows and call me in the morning Katie.

9. Casey James - "The Power of Love." "I'm a Big Fan of Your.......... Father's." SWEET. Way to drain the power of Miley Mouse. You know what's awesome? That CJ is singing a Michael J. Fox movie song, and I've already reffed Family Ties in this blog! I'm such a child of the 80's (even though I was born in '79 - Cambodia! Girl Who Spelled Freedom!).

10. Didi Benami - "You're No Good." Does anyone else really like angry Didi? She sounds waaaay bettah than Sweet Didi.

11. Siobhan Magnus - "Superstition." Look. At. Those. Jeans. THOSE FRIGGIN' AWESOME STONEWASHED JEANS!!! AND SHE JUST WHIPPED OUT THE "WICKED COOL"!!!! MASSACHUSETTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm done. What is she . . . what is going on with her ... hair. Last season was the year of Adam... this is Eve. My Grawd, she's fascinating in all her dorkitude. I'm speechless. In a good way. Totally good way. She's even standing like a dork.

No one was all that outstanding this week. Sigh, and it's starting to be the same ol' same ol'.

Decent: Crystal, Siobhan. Again.

Safe: Casey, Didi, Mike, Lee, Katie. Again.

Bottom: Tim, Paige, Aaron, Andrew. Again.

Send Paige home. She's terrible.

AI9: The Top 12 Sing The Rolling Stones.

Because my previous post about the Top 12 is so awesome, I'm going to keep this recap short. Overall, I gotta say, I was pretty pleased. Here's what was worthy of my clicking-fingiz:

MEMORABLE FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS:

Lee (I don't care what the judges say - this was AWESOME.)

Siobhan (WICKED!)

Crystal (I can't keep putting her first, can I? CAN I?)

Didi (Angsty.)

GOOD ENOUGH - LIKE THAT MIDDLE GROUP WHOSE SCORES QUALIFIED THEM FOR THE NEXT ROUND ON PROJECT RUNWAY:

Paige (Sick voice suits her.)

Mike (Spastic.)

Casey (Loved his mom.)

Andrew (Loved his silent lump of a mother.)

Aaron (Just barely.)

Tim (Had me until the closeup of his GROSS FINGERNAILS.)

PUT THEM OUT OF THEIR MISERY:

Katie (Ersatz Leann Rimes. Siobhan's gonna have to represent the northeast.)

Lacey (Just... baa aa aa aa aa d.)

AI9: The Top 8 Guys, or How I'm Totally Unenthused.

So... this is the last. The last round before we finally get to the Top 12. When we finally think that the singers might be good. Oh, if only. When... we finally think that Kara will say something smart? BWAHAHAHAHA. Wow. This really is teh season of teh suck hard. Just give Crystal Bobby-sox the dumpy trophy that Kris got last year, some more teeth whiteners, and pictures of Tim Urban to keep her warm at night.

Well, here we go:

1. Leeeeee Dewyze. He's singing that stupid Firefly song. This is so odd, with his growl. He sings sharp. But that blue shirt does make his eyes pop. So dreamy. Did he sing a song? I can't remember. All I want to know is what dark past he's hiding. Snuh?!?! Where am I?

2. Alex Lambert. It is SO odd that his name is Lambert. Oh!!!! He's singing that song where the dog can't sleep because he's worried about his bone! PUPPIEEEEEEEZZZZ!!!! This is really good, though. And Alex is starting to grow on me. He's got the tone -- he's got the innocence -- he's almost got it. And he has dimples! He just needs to smile more!

3. Tim Urban. Take off your shirt. Take. Off. Your. Shirt. Shirt. Off. Off. So the guy who isn't the guy from the Apprentice (back when that show actually had normal people on it) is trying to pull a Jason Castro. It's pleasant enough, but this song, this Jeff Buckley song is one of the most wrenching out there. And he just doesn't have the depth to pull it off. Though, if he sang it shirtless, maybe. Ellen just gave him a hug. ROFLCOPTER. No one is immune to the shirtless wonder. Thing is, with all the notoriety of how bad he is... this might be enough to get him through to the finals.

4. Andrew Garcia. The once and future frontrunner. Now he's doing Genie in a Bottle, one of the best songs of all time. (I'm totally serious.) He's doing the same thing he always does --- takes a pop song and acoustifies it. It's just not... surprising anymore. I want him to come out and just sing a song as is. Like a bagel with nothing on it, and not toasted. This was more successful than his recent efforts, though, so good on him.

5. Casey James. Have you notice that when it sings, it tremors its head in front of the microphone. There it goes. There it goes again. It's like he has a mild muscular disorder that keeps him from keeping his head in one place. KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON! That's me being happy for him -- this was good. I give Casey a lot of crap for being ugly, but I've got to say, he's been consistently good with his acoustic-country vibe. Dare I say I like him? What'll you give me?

6. Aaron Kelly. And we're back. The the guys sucking. SO CLOSE. We had, like, 5 decent perfs, and that includes the biggest stumbling block of Tim Hotguy. But oh, this is just Lonestar minus the tone, pitch, emotion, and clear skin. That was not good at all.

7. Todrick Hall. WHOA. He's going to try and pull off a GLEE song??? With Adam Lambert lighting? And Adam Lambert squealing? Dude. I thought there was nothing worse than doing a Kelly Clarkson song on AI. I was wrong. He's doing a GLEE song. The only thing -- the only thing I like about that show -- he's doing it. Jebus. If your name isn't Adam, you can't pull off Queen (even I thought that Krissy-Poo kinda didn't fit in last year -- shock! gasp! w/e, I love Krissssss). His voice is pleasant, but it doesn't have the edge needed.

8. Michael Lynche. YIKES!!! He's singing Kate Bush!!!!!!! WOW. Okay, I might not like the guys this season, but they chose some amazing songs tonight. Kate Bush? Queen's Somebody to Love? Hallelujah? The Firefly song? The worrying puppy song? Genie in a Bottle? And now he's singing a glory note. I love this song so much. And he rocked it out. WOW. I have to give him kudos for that. That was a risk. And it paid off. I can't believe he just pulled it off.

BEST: Big Mike. By a lot. No one else is worth putting in this category.

WORST: Aaron. Tim. Todrick.

Going home: Aaron ... Todrick. Tim is going to skirt through on the strength of Ellen's hug -- the hug that transcended sexuality itself.

AI9: The Top 8 Girls, Or How We're So Close To The Finals, Where People Are Good? Yeah. Right.

First week, I was 2 for 4 for my predictions. Last week, I was 4 for 4 (even I was kinda surprised at how I did). How will this week go?

1. Katie Stevens. Again, why would you ever sing a Kelly Clarkson song? You're just asking to be compared unfavorably to one of the best Idols ever. Plus, you know, she is more off-pitch than an old fart throwing out the first ball in the World Series. That. Was. Horrible.

2. Siobhan Magnus. I pronounce her name as Sy-o-ban. Magneto is pulling out an oldie -- with an a capella opening! Dope is right, Randy! Ugh, I just agreed with Randy. I have to admit, chillz, from the slow-talker. I'm a fan. That was really, really good. The nicest thing I can say is that I actually want to hear what the judges have to say. Except Simon is wrong. I just agreed with Randy over Simon. I'm getting sick.

3. Lacey Brown. She's totally singing on borrowed time. If you can call it singing. But, you know, this song fits her voice really well -- and the warble warble of her vibrato actually kinda works her. That was cute. Not great -- but cute. She's been sucking hard -- I don't know if this was enough to overcome her slow start.

4. Katelyn Epperly. I hate this song. I also am hating her hair. She's got this amazing Felicity type bob of curls, and she seems like she's Drew Barrymore-ing it every performance. I do like the little hitch in her voice though. But, yeah, I hate this song, and it totally does not work for her.

SB: I like these Kris Allen commercials - but it does remind me that (a) he needs his second single to be released and (b) his tour is shaping up -- and it's all crap! Nothing in the DC area!

5. Didi Benami. Wow. We really have no big voiced divas this season. There are a bunch of soulful folk singers though -- Didi, Lily, Crystal. Lacey and Katelyn to some extent. It sort of makes me fall asleep.

6. Paige Miles. Probably the closest this season has to a power singer. Yikes, she's singing this song like she's ready to cut herself. It's all over the place -- she's singing like Jessica Simpson looking for a clue. Never quite there, although the effort is there. Sort of. Oh, I can't take it. And the last note just nailed her coffin shut.

7. Bowersox!!! Ooh, she's doing Tracy Chapman. I never thought about it before -- but this is absotively perfect for her. Every time she sings during this dreadful season (yes, I just pulled a Simon and said dreadful), it's like taking Whitestrips to Crystal's teeth. Just clears it all up. SO GOOD! That last little run was like so awesomely melisma, without being melismatic. I would love to see her sing Fast Car. She even has the name of someone who's a star!

8. Lily Scott. Doing Patsy Cline. REALLY? Jebus, we really are in American Idol: A Mighty Wind. I mean, I like it and all, but it's weird -- I just don't know how the contestants are going to be able to adapt to all the different styles of the finals.

BEST: Bowersox. Siobhan. (I feel like this is going to be a recurring thing.)

WORST: Paige. Katie.

GOING HOME: Paige . . . and um . . . it's either Katie or Lacey. Let's go with Paige and Katie. I think that Lacey is going to overstay her welcome for a few weeks in the finals.

AI9: The Top 10 Girls, or How Bowersox Is BACK!

1. Crystal Bowersox. She's first! She has a twin named "Carl" who she called a square. Yes, if your name is "Carl" you are a square. Oooh... Crystal just dissed Simon. Love it! She's sassy. Oh, she's so good. Dude. For realzies. Whatever sickness she had is like when Phoebe caught a cold and just sounded sexier. This sounds professional. This is amazing. Whoa -- the judges did a 180. I'm sorry. Just give her the crown. She's so natural and unironic.

2. Haeley Vaughn. Lispy the lisper. She's singing Miley. This actually isn't that bad. I mean, it's bad -- but not bad. It's basically like Miley -- passable, with no emotion and no connection. Wait, now she' going flat. Is she also all leg? I take it all back -- she can't sing.

3. Lacey Brown. Adorable Lacey. She's like the Snuggle Bear minus the creepy Chucky vibe. She's singing Sixpence None the Richer. And this is kinda cool. She needs to emote more, and show more range. Her shoulder pads are distracting.

4. Katie Stevens. The favorite of the producers. She has some pronounced eyebrows. What's the big deal with her? Her interview package is a little awesome. She's coming across as a sweet 17-year old. Nice. Oh, and Ryan just did a disingenuous chuckle. Side note, I miss Paula and her wacky dancing to the most undanceable songs. I have a feeling that if she were here, she'd be headbangin' to K'Steve. She's not bad, but I don't know that she excelled tonight.

5. DD Konami. Normally I'd write her off, but there's something going on with her. I like her. But I don't think it's going to be one we'll talk about tomorrow.

6. Michelle Delamar. Seriously, a poor man's Jordin.

7. Lilly Scott. Sorry Kara, this is not a "Moment." Do your homework.

8. Katelyn Epperly. Oooh good song. The Scientist. This is .... really good. WHAT IS GOING ON? THE GOILZ ARE TOTES BREAKIN' IT DOWN TONIGHT! Okay -- it's a little lounge singerish, but this is still good.

9. Paige Miles. What is Simon picking at? Dry skin on his ankle? Why would you ever sing a Kelly Clarkson song on AI? Still, Paige is working it out.

10. Boston Girl Who Talks Like She's Thinking Really Hard. Yes. Siobhan!

Best: Crystelline Bowser-sox, Siobhan, Katelyn.

Worst: Michelle, Haeley.

Going Home: Michelle, Haeley.

[EDIT: If you read my first version of this post... um... yeah. Sorry! But I hope you had fun anyhoo.]

AI9: The Top 10 Guys, Or How Bowersox Got Sick.

Hi, Ryan Seacrest! So Bowersox got illz, and now the boyz are going to go first. Uh oh, Comcast didn't get the memo. My DVR tells me that it's still the goilz. So I'm live-blogging this, but not -- meaning that I'm not watching the live airing, but I'm blogging live. What? So confused. DVR is a wonderful thing. First impression... did Randy and Ellen switch places? Down is UP!

1. Big Mike. Do you think that Big Mike likes being called Big Mike? Does it put pressure on him to stay big? Oh BM, he's a regular old Troy circa HSM. He wants to be both a jock and a sensitive artiste. But still... he wasn't there for the birth of his first kid. Now he's singing about this being a man's world. This fits his voice pretty well, actually. I'm too tired to listen to the judges. But I will say this -- Randy's blue cardy is blending too much into the background.

2. John Park. Oh, he's singing a song by that star-whore John Mayer! This is the second ballad in a row that he's sung -- he's going for the ultimate cheese vote I guess. Why not just go full-on Unchained Melody? So the problem I have with his voice is it's like a viola. It's pretty, but indistinct. At a JP concert, he'd be putting people to sleep.

3. Casey. You know, if he cut his hair, and got in shape, and looked like Colin Farrell, he'd actually be hot. He pronounces "TV" by emphasizing the "T". That's weird. Oh crapo, he's singing a song done waaaaayyyy too many times on AI. That was a pretty endearing intro segment, though. Can he actually sing? He's sort of talk-singing. It's like what people who can't sing do when they get on Broadway. Whoa, but now he's going all Guitah Hero on us. And we melt into the amber waves of his hair.

4. Adam Lambert. I mean, Alex Lambert. HE'S NELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nell. Like, Jodie Foster Nell. Nell. He made up his own language. WOW. Andrew Garcia and Big Mike are snuggling. You know that Ryan just wants to jump into all of that. Wait. This is actually pretty good. Alex, yes Alex--not Adam--is singing a John Legend song. And it's good. There's something, dare I say it -- Paul McCartney about him? Ok, he shouldn't have did that falsetto. But this was good. You can see that he is improving. Yeah, and the judges are recognizing it. Not too shabby. Oh, and now Kara is pulling out the pity. I hate her. And now Simon just straight up told him the truth. That was good.

Side note: I heard that Alice in Wonderland is basically just an action flick.

5. Todrick Hall. There's something about his... like, are they gheri curls? I can't tell. Nutcracker! Either way. I don't like him. He just comes off as arrogant. He just said "platform." You know, this is the big difference between someone like him and someone like Alex Lambert, who really wouldn't have been found without this show. I'm sorry. I just don't like these established performers as much as those whose lives actually change. Last week, Toddy effed with Kelly, and now he's effing with Tina. This is just too R&B schmaltzy. Like, Courtyard Marriott quality. Toddy's fist pumping is out of synch! I thought he was a dancer! Lame. Hated it.

6. Simpsons Character! Jermaine Sellers or something. Seriously, look at the proportions of his face. It's weird. "It opens you up." I. Bet. HwAH? "You just have to take it . . . ." Lulzworthy. Yikes, the fauxhawk went out in 2003, dude. I get the onesie irony, but come on. You know, he reminds me of Corey Clark, the one that Paula felt up. Er, allegedly felt up. This isn't a compliment. Shot of Lee in the background looking hot and gloomy. *Swoon*. Jermaine, that wasn't bad, but I'm not going to remember that tomorrow morning.

7. Ethnic Danny Gokey! (Andrew Garcia). It's like how Allison Iraheta is an ethnic Kelly Clarkson. Dude. Andrew is a chunky guy, but he can move. Wow. I feel bad, he reminds me of Danny, so I don't like him, but he doesn't seem like Evil Gokes at all. YEEEKS. He is all over the map with the pitch. He can't find the pitch. He's flat... like, really really flat. This was not very good. And Randy totally CALLED HIM OUT ON IT. Nice. Asian Rihanna is part of Andrew's family?!?!?!? Ellen hit it on the head -- he might be sabotaged just by the fact that he was so good during Hollywood week. It's the Sundance Head problem.

8. Aaron Kelly. Aw, littl'un pronounces "pictures" as "pitchers." PUPPIEZZZZ!!!! He's singing and dancing like he's gotta pee like a vache. That's French for cow for you heathens. I think Simon just thinks Aaron is his ticket to the Disney/Nickolodeon goldmine that awful people like Demi Lovato and Miley Cyrus live in. I hate Miley Cyrus. Did Aaron just go through puberty on that last note?

9. Tim Urban, the shirtless wonder! Tim has no upper lip like Mark Lynn-Baker. Look it up.

[EDIT: I was looking up some old posts to see my first impressions of some of these guys. Apparently I assumed/guessed that Tim was like Zac Efron but without the body. Boy how wrong I was.]

Side note: KRIS ALLEN COMMERCIAL!!!!! Love it.

10. ***Lee***. Oh, my Lee Dewyze. He's my pseudo-Kris Allen during this horrible, horrible season. He's like a huggable penguin (yes, one might even compare him to Hugsy, Joey's bedtime penguin pal). He's got the pimp spot. Doesn't he seem like the most earnest guy ever? Is that what I like about him? Hmm... also, he looks like Kris. So there's that. WOW. Back lighting much? This sounds totally current. This is good. Like, really good. Judges are glowing. "You may be the one to beat" - Simon. "But we like you" - Kara. Oh, Kara, you are so very stupid.

Best: Lee, easily. (Leesily?) Big Mike and Adam/Alex Lambert are very close behind.

Worst: Todrick, Andrew, and Aaron.

Going home: Jermaine and John. Sometimes being forgettable is worse than being bad.

AI9: The Top 12 Guys.

It's late. I'm cranky. And I just ate a gajillion dark choco m&m's. I can't be bothered with 2 hours of blather, so I'm only going to watch the perfs themselve. That means no golden pearls (is that a thing) of wisdom from Randy. Yeah, no snark from me tonight, Kara. Well, maybe some.

1. Todrick Hall. Adam 2.0? If you Google him, you'll see that he cheats little guppies out of their money. And now he's cheating our ears of one of the sweetest pop songs ever. Boo.

2. Aaron Kelly. David Archuleta 2.0? Well, he's not gasping. And he's not adorable in a way that only puppies and bows can be. Oh he's also out of tune. And his falsetto isn't. Yikes, I just want to take his spikey hair and stab him to make it stop. Is he cute enough for the tweens? GRAWD I hopes not.

3. Simpsons Character (Jermaine something or other). Seriously, his eyes are so far apart, like Homer after a bender. Is he wearing tails? His upper register is like scratches on a chalkboard. Do those even exist anymore? Everyone has white boards. Hated it.

The best part of this so far are the Kris Allen Ford commercials.

4. Tim Urban. Not the dude from the Apprentice. I really think that if he cut his hair, he'd be the best looking dude. And that can get you pretty far in a tv competition. He's effing up the falsetto parts. Why would you choose a song that you fundamentally can't sing? Also, that 80's jacket and those skinny jeans have got to go.

5. Joe Munoz. So heeeeeere's the first cannon fodder. You can't discount him for that (after all Kris was). Can you hear him? Is he singing in a microphone? Oof, he's off the key and off the beat. Can I make a latino joke about The Rhythm needing to get him? This is painful. Like, not even Menudo (that means tripe!) would take him. Well. Cannon fodder it be.

6. TYLER GRADY! Love him. He's basically Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. He doesn't have quite the same presence as Chris Daughtry or Bo Bice, but he's likable. Also, he's chosen the first interesting song.

Time check: 20 minutes!

7. LEE DEWYZE! He's my Kris 2.0. He's got a Sundance Head type voice, and the chunky cuteness of David Cook. Let's hope he's good. I'm kinda diggin this. His tone is so scratchy -- I can't tell if he's in tune or not. Hmmm... I kinda want to know what the judges will say. AND SIMON AGREEZ WITH ME. Also, he just put his guitar pick in his mouth. That's kinda adorable. Huggigigiigigigigigigigigiiigi.

8. Korean Guy (John Park). Apparently wind is always blowing on him from his left, our right. He starts out by singing something... and it sounds like it's in Korean. Sigh, not a good day for the Koreans. (Harrumph to you, short trackers.) He's doing too many runs. I think he'd do better with some power notes instead. He's like a viola -- it's a great sound, but it's hard to project and appreciate. He's got to step out.

9. Dude Who Wasn't There For His Daughter's Birth. That's really hard for me to accept. Why is the Michelin Man singing Maroon 5? And why does he pronounce "wings" as "weengz"? It's a singing comp, not a squinting comp dude. It's not bad overall though.

10. Generic White Boy (Alex Lambert). MULLET! Oh dude, that is sick. Love love love it. Seriously, Simon, if you're name isn't Kris Allen, you aren't allowed to have your shirt down that low. Oh dear. This dude is way too country bumpkin. It's like he's seeing a toaster for the first time. Wow. A toaster. That was terrible.

11. Ugly Dude (Casey James). Oh Kara. You might be an idiot, but you are objectively hot. You can do better than this dude (I'd hope). This dude is a robot - he's smiling through every lyric. Where's the emotion? Where's the heart? AARGH. I hate it when singers don't know how to emote. Also, when they can't sing vibrato. Dude, just go feather your hair and pretend you have a prayer at life.

12. And the pimp spot goes to... Andrew Garcia. QUEL SURPRISE. Not. Dude is so likable. He's like the anti-Gokey. I love this song -- yes, the emo version. And he's stripping it down. He did this before with Straight Up. So the problem is that this isn't surprising. And not as effective. It's too bad. He needs to show that he can just sing. Think when Kris sang To Make You Feel My Love. Still, this dude is clearly the frontrunner for both genders.

The Best: Andrew, Lee.
The Worst: Aaron, Jermaine, Tim, Joe, Alex. Yes. I just put FIVE people in the bottom. These dudes are just awful.

The judges totally stacked this season for the girls to win... except I think that the best guys are better than the best girls.

Going home: Tim and Joe.

Side note: Who can't wait to see Bowersox do a group number? Lulz.

AI9: The Top 12 Girls.

And we're BACK! It's been about a year since Krissy-poo saw the man in the mirror and Adam made googly eyes at Kris. Oh how things have changed. I mean, come on, who would have thought . . . that RANDY WOULD BE COHERENT?!?!?!?!?!?!? Unbelievable.

1. Paige Mills. She chooses to try and get handclaps going, except she forgets she's still carrying the mike. Dude. Stop. The chorus sort of sucks, but that glory note is ok. Now, the first time we see the judges -- TOO MANY JUDGES.

2. Jelly Bean Head. Singing a Leona Lewis song? Did she not know that Simon Cowell sort of discovered her? This is the first time that I notice that Randy actually says something coherent. Down is up, up is down! Oh, and Guy Smiley is terrible.

3. Janelllllllle Wheeeeeler. She wants to "light up on that stage." I bet. I don't get teh black spanx, and I don't get why a singer-songwriter would do Heart. Maybe if she Allen-ized it, but this isn't good.

4. Tilda Swinton. Is she British? I can't tell. But it's so affected. I like this neo-soul stuff, though, but I just don't know if this'll work on AI. Some people hate this stuff, and it could get tired after a while. Remember when Madonna was British? Yeah, that got annoying fast. Her parents have the same beady eyes. Wow.

5. Katelyn Epperly. I love this song, "O Darling." Her Felicity-hair is rocking, but her wax lips are ugerly. Simon calls her messy, Randy likes her tone, and Ellen says she pushed too much. They are all correct, which is weird. Notice that Kara is not included in this list. Because Kara is stupid.

6. Black Taylor Swift. I just think that if you're 11 years old, you are not allowed to say you've been dreaming of something your entire life and have that mean anything. Also, is it really a dream come true to be in the semi-finals? I think the dream should be getting to the finals. You know, the way Kris Allen did. Because he's awesome. And stop screaming: "AAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHHHHH Wanna Hold Your Hand!" I want you to fix your lisp. Also I want to know who's writing Randy's words because he just had another good piece of advice telling BTS to lower the key.

7. LACEY BROWN . . . is terrible. OMG. She's the cutest thing ever, but she's terrible. She's British, and southern, and phrases her songs like Charlie Brown's mother. Oooh. I'm not hopeful.

8. Thin Jordin Sparks. Hey. It's the semis. I don't have enough time to learn their names. Let's see, she's good, but I think she'd do better, you know, in Seasons 1-4, when you only had to sing, and you didn't have to rearrange songs. Also, she sings without dynamics, like Queen Latifah. Ooh, double-diss.

9. Didi Benami. I'd call her Crying Girl, but her name reminds me of Konami video games (up up down down left right left right B A start). Also, she's wearing a rainbow tortilla. That makes me hungry. I like this. It's a good starting point, but she def has room to grow over the season. I like the tone of her voice.

10. Siobhan. Um. I know I shouldn't make a joke about her slow talking, but she does sound like David Archuleta with one less chrome. She seems sweet though (and dumb) and sings well. She basically just needs to never talk. Sort of like Allison Iraheta. Play up the dork angle (as if she can help it) and she just might go far.

11. Bowersox. Bowersox. Nescafe? Did someone take a baking soda SOS pad to her teeth? They are still yellow, but at least they aren't the same shade of chestnuts and poop. I love that she just said that she needs a bigger paycheck. That's so refreshing. I'VE GOT CHILLS! I don't care what the judges say, I liked it. And I can tell that there's only better things to come. My hope is that her disdain for this competition doesn't come bite her in the behind.

12. Katie Stevens. Ugh, she's singing a song that's too old for her. She's not so cloying, which is good, but I don't get that she'll Jordin Sparks her way to the top. The judges like her, but I feel like they like her in a Jasmine kind of way (that girl who was "so commercial" last season, was 12 years old, and didn't make it past any round by America's vote -- the judges just couldn't let it go).

The Best: Bowersox, Didi, and Tilda Swinton (Lilly Scott).

The Worst: Jelly Bean (Ashley Rodriguez), Janelle, BTS (Hayley Vaughn), and, sadly, LACEY BROWN!

Going home: Paige and Ashley.

[Editor's note: BTW, I'm typing this while watching the Ladies' Short Program at the Olympics. Mao Asada just brung it. Kim Yu-Na just slapped her down. Dan Jansen just spoke with true grace. And Joannie Rochette just make me shed a tear. I can't wait for the Long Program.]